"And that's it," Mamma said. She was helping me put the finishing garnish on the salad I was making for dinner and now she turned to me and smiled. I smiled back happily and felt my heart swell as I looked at the pride in Mamma's eyes. It was the first dinner I had ever made completely on my own (well, ok with a little help), and everything had gone perfectly. The kitchen smelled just like it did when Mamma made lasagna. I thought with contentment about how impressed Dan and Alex would be. Lasagna was their favorite, but they were the only ones who liked it so well, and my youngest brothers didn't like it at all, so it was a sort of unusual treat.
I asked Mamma if she would teach me how to make it the moment she expressed her intention to instruct me in the ways of the kitchen. She had made me wait though, starting me on things like pudding, soup and salad. Then when she finally let me make spaghetti for the first time, it was a disaster. I put too much meat in and not enough sauce. Dan and Alex were hanging around, distracting me, and I didn't notice when smoke began rising from the pot. The sauce burned so badly that it set off the smoke alarm and my brothers just stood there laughing as I grabbed the pot from the stove, burning my hand and dropping it, spilling what was left of the smoldering sauce all over the floor. Mamma rushed in from the hall and went straight to the stove, turning it off, and turning the overhead fan on. She then went to the window and opened it, letting the smoke drift out until finally the smoke detector stopped. "Are you all right, sweetie?" She turned to me, where I stood clutching my hand, my eyes brimming as I forced back the tears. My brothers were still laughing.
"Some cook you are, Jess," Dan said playfully. I knew my brother was teasing, but his comment started my tears in earnest and Mamma glared at him as she took me in her arms.
"As if you could do better, young man!" The cocky grin fell away from my older brother's face and Alex stopped his sniggering as I really began to cry. "Out! Out both of you!" she snapped, and my brothers turned to leave, each giving me a repentant backwards glance.
"It's all right, sweetie. This happens to everyone at least once, and today I am going to teach you the first golden rule of cooking. Are you ready?" I was crying hard now, but I nodded against her shoulder. "No men in the kitchen!" she proclaimed firmly. It wasn't what I had expected, and I couldn't help laughing a little through my sobs. "I mean it!" she said. "They'll cause trouble every time!" I really started to laugh then, though I was still crying too and I wasn't sure which emotion was ultimately going to win out. My mom held me a little longer and then, noticing that I was still clutching my hand she asked, "Did you burn yourself?" I nodded, tears still slipping down my face. "Oh Honey, let me see." I held up my injured hand and slowly opened it to reveal a long, red line across the palm where I had grabbed the handle of the smoking pot. "Come with me," Mamma led me over to the sink and turned on the cold water, gently holding my hand under it. The cold felt good on my hand which had really started to hurt and the tears started to flow again as I remembered my older brother's comment. Maybe he was right. "Shh . . . it's all right, Honey, we'll put some ice on it and hopefully that will keep it from blistering . . . ."
"Dan's right, Mamma," I blurted, "I'll never be able to cook."
"Hush now, nonsense!" my mom responded. "I'd like to smack your brother's behind for that comment he made, but you know he was just teasing you."
"But he's right," I sobbed. "I'm a disaster! I can't even make spaghetti sauce without screwing up . . ."
"Now, first of all, my dear, spaghetti sauce is not so easy to make. It depends on a lot of things going right and requires attention at all times, which is why there should never be men in the kitchen," she smiled. "Second of all, things like this really do happen to everyone while they're learning. We'll just try again."
I shook my head. "I don't think I want to Mamma," I sobbed.
"Well, maybe not tonight," she agreed.
"Not ever!" I choked.
"Well, sweetie, that is up to you. Shh . . . come on now." She shut off the water and pulled me to her again, kissing my head. "Try to pull yourself together and I'll tell you what happened to me the first time I tried to make dinner, ok?" I nodded and she pulled a chair out from the table. I sat down and tried to stop crying. Mamma went to the freezer and took out some ice, wrapping it in a wet cloth and then putting it in a plastic bag which she handed to me. She then sat beside me as she began her own tale of disaster in the kitchen. I listened, feeling soothed and comforted by her voice, but inside I vowed to never cook again.
That night we ordered pizza and then Mamma made Dan and Alex do the dishes. I called my cousin, Sam, to tell her what had happened, and was a little comforted to learn that she too had once set off the smoke alarm while trying to bake chocolate chip cookies. Her brothers, Matt and Nathan, had laughed at her as well and gotten in similar trouble with my aunt. As comforting as Sam's reassurance was, however, Nate and Matt took it in their turn to laugh at me and I was still resolved that my cooking days were over.
My mom tried everything to coax me, and then finally, fed up, she threatened my brothers, telling them it was their fault and that they would be doing the dishes every night until I agreed to try again. All of a sudden, needless to say, they became much more supportive, and finally I agreed to give it another shot. I went back to soups and salads for awhile, gradually taking bolder steps as I went and finally, I had done it. Mamma had shooed the boys out, insisting they stay away from the house altogether, and it had worked. I hadn't thought about them once while I was cooking. I had made a whole meal on my own and I was only thirteen. 'Sam is still on desserts and she is a year older,' I thought with pride as I began to clean up.
I was running the water in the sink for the pots and pans when the phone rang. My mom who was also bustling around, almost as proud as I was, picked it up. I was only half paying attention. "Catherine, what a pleasant surprise!" she began. The Schwartzes were old friends of my mom and dad's and of my aunt and uncle's too. They had three kids of their own, Katie, Jimmy, and Tanya. Jimmy was Alex's close friend and Tanya and Katie often hung around with my younger sister and brothers. My hands were covered in soap and I was starting to wash up when I heard my mom's voice take on an altogether different tone, and I turned my head to look at her as the water continued to run. "I see," her brow darkened and I became anxious. Just then my eight year old sister, Carrie, entered the room. She was the only other girl in the house, and for the moment, the only other one not banned from the kitchen.
"Smells good, Jess . . .," she started and then paused as she followed my gaze and saw our mother's now furious face. "What's going on?" She looked back at me with a nervous expression.
"I don't know," I answered my sister tremulously. Knots were now forming in my stomach.
"No, Cathy," my mother continued, "I'm glad you called. Yes, we will certainly deal with it. Yes, umm hmm . . . I know. Yes, well you know how Steven is. Right, ok. Well, I am so sorry, but it will certainly be handled. Yes. I hope Katie is ok. All right, umm hmmm . . .thanks for calling. Ok, umm hmmm . . .good-bye." My mother hung up the phone and remained silent with her back to us as Carrie and I waited fearfully. I shut off the water and turned to face her.
"Mamma?" I finally managed, "What's going on?"
"Well," Mamma began in a tone of controlled fury as she finally turned to look at me and my younger sister, "it seems that Dan and Alex chose to spend their free time today, hiding out in the bushes by the road and lobbing water balloons at the cars that passed by." I felt the blood drain from my face as my mother continued, "Mrs. Schwartz happened to be walking by them with Katie, and without knowing she was there, your brothers stood up to throw, missed the car, Thank God, and instead hit Katie Schwartz, who ended up drenched and more than a little frightened." My stomach was a sea of nausea now, but my mom was not finished, "As if all that wasn't bad enough, instead of apologizing to Mrs. Schwartz, Katie, and the driver of the car who nearly ran off the road before managing to stop, your brothers chose to make a run for it. I can only assume they are on their way home now." I swallowed hard not knowing what to say as I looked at my mom's angry eyes. 'If they know Mrs. Schwartz saw them, the last place they are headed now is here,' I couldn’t help thinking, but I didn't dare say it. Another minute of silence passed and my sister looked at me with what could only be described as gloating anxiety.
"What are you going to do, Mamma?" I spoke with quiet dread, not sure I really wanted the answer, "You're not going to tell Daddy, are you?"
"I most certainly am, Jessica."
"Mamma, no! You can't! Please!" I pleaded.
"I'm sorry, Honey, but your brothers both deserve a good spanking."
"But, Mamma . . .," I began to cry as my sister snuck off with an air of quiet smugness. It was the information she had been waiting for and I knew she could hardly wait to spread the news to Dennis and Toby, my younger twin brothers. I put my hands over my face. How could this be happening? "Mamma," I tried again, "please don't tell Daddy! Everybody will be here tonight." We had purposely planned this dinner on a Saturday, so I could invite my cousins and aunt and uncle over to enjoy it too.
"Jess, I have to tell your father. It's not something I can hide. If the boys come back soon, perhaps we can get it over with before your cousins get here, but it has to happen. They could really have hurt somebody today."
"But Mamma . . . ."
"Jessica, it is not up for negotiation!" The sharpness of her voice contrasted so drastically the warm affection of her earlier tone that I felt like I had been slapped.
"It will ruin everything!" I screamed, and I ran from the room, sobbing. I went straight to the parlor and curled up in my favorite Lazy Boy, putting my head on my arms. I didn't want to go to my room where there was a good chance I'd have to face my gloating sister. After a minute I heard my mom come in. I didn't look up, but I could sense her beside me.
"I'm sorry, Jess," she said softly, "I know this is an awful thing to happen today of all days, but your father and I can't stop being parents and look the other way just because it is a special occasion. If the situation were not so serious, it might be different, but your brothers really did a bad thing, and then they didn't even take responsibility. There has to be consequences for that, sweetheart!" I just continued to cry, feeling the day had already been ruined beyond reparation, no matter what happened now. Finally, after another couple of minutes without a response, my mother left me to myself, and I waited anxiously for either my father or my brothers to show up. I was hoping beyond hope that at the least, the worst of this whole affair could be gotten out of the way before my cousins arrived.
My father was in town, running errands. He had been sent there by my mother. I think more to keep him out of the house too, than to get anything she really needed. My father had certainly participated to a degree in the mirth expressed by my brothers over my previous cooking adventure. When he finally returned, Dan and Alex were still among the missing. Though I had stopped crying long ago, too exhausted to cry anymore, I had not moved, and I did not even look up as my dad came into the hallway through the front door, his arms loaded with groceries. "MMMM. . .something sure smells good!" he called loudly. I didn't respond, and I heard my mother come into the hall from the kitchen as my dad set the bags on the hall table.
"What's wrong?" my dad asked. He had caught sight of me now and looked inquiringly at my mom whose serious expression tipped him off even more than my lack of response to his praise, "Is everything ok?"
"No, I'm afraid not," my mother replied flatly.
"Well, it can't be the cooking," my dad tried again to revive a light and cheery tone, "everything smells wonderful."
"No, it's not the cooking," my mom replied. "The cooking went splendidly."
"Well what's the problem then?" my dad responded, concern in his voice.
"Jessica knows her brothers are going to get spanked after I tell you what they've been doing this afternoon."
"I see," my dad returned seriously, "and what have those two rascals been up to that would require such a serious consequence on this very special day?"
"They've been throwing water ballons at the cars passing along Ash Rd. They missed one and accidentally hit Katie Schwartz who was walking with her mom, instead. They nearly caused an accident! Cathy called me. She was very upset."
There was a long moment of silence, and then he sighed resignedly, "All right. Where are they?"
"I don't know," my mom replied.
"You don’t know?" my father retorted. "What do you mean 'you don't know'?"
"I mean," my mother snapped back, "I don't know! They ran off when Catherine shouted at them, and they have not been seen since."
"Damn it! I tell you . . .sometimes those boys . . .," he lowered his voice again, "have you tried asking Jess where they might be?"
"No," my mother replied softly, "she hasn't said a word since I got the phone call. I'm not sure she would know anyway . . . ."
"Oh please! Of course, she knows. She's got to at least have some ideas where to look."
". . . and I didn’t want to add to her anxiety," my mom continued as if my dad had not spoken. "She's a mess. She's worried about tonight, what with Rob and Rebecca and the kids all being here."
"Well, if I can find them, I'll be happy to take care of it now, and then that won’t be an issue." I heard my father approaching my chair, and I looked tearfully up at him. He sat down in the rocking chair next to me, eyeing me softly. "Jessie," he started, "I don't suppose you want to tell me where they are, do you?"
"I don't know where they are, Daddy,' I replied quietly.
"I see," my dad replied, "not a single idea where they might be huh?" I bit my lip and shook my head, determined not to betray them. "It would make things a lot easier on everybody, Jess, if I could get this out of the way, now." I still remained quiet. "Well, it is your night, Honey," my dad sighed, "we'll do this the hard way if you want." He got up and made his way out of the room and I started to cry again.
When, at 5:00, my brothers still hadn't shown up, my mother insisted that I go upstairs and get ready. "You are still the hostess, Honey, and you have to look presentable when your guests arrive, even if they are close family." I responded automatically, without enthusiasm, stripping out of my clothes as soon as I was in the bathroom and leaving them in a pile on the floor. The hot water was soothing and brought forth more tears as I stood under the steadily flowing stream.
I had blown my hair dry and had just finished zipping my favorite black and white checked skirt when the doorbell rang. ‘Shit! Was it 6:00 already?' I had been moving in slow motion, but now I grabbed my my new training bra and pulled it on, and then pulled my black v-neck t-shirt over my head mussing up my very carefully brushed hair. I rammed a brush through my hair again and then scrambled for my shoes as I heard Carrie open the door. I could hear the voices of my cousins, my aunt and my uncle below interspursed with Carrie, Dennis and Toby's, and I willed my younger siblings to keep their big mouths shut as I pulled on my shoes and hurried out of my room. I took a deep breath as I started down the stairs, determined to be as composed as possible when I faced my relatives. ‘Matt and Sam will know though,' I thought with agitation.
"There she is!" My uncle spotted me first and they all looked up. Matt grinned at me, his blue eyes twinkling as he looked appreciatively at my outfit.
"You look good, Jess," he remarked as if that was a surprise.
"Thank you," I smiled back at him and my stomach did a flip flop despite myself.
"Give her the flowers, Dummy," my older cousin chimed in.
"What? Oh . . .oh yeah." Matt awkwardly produced a bunch of somewhat wilted looking flowers from behind his back, blushing to his roots as he held them out. I took them as I came farther down the stairs and I could feel my face getting hot too.
"Thank you," I took them and looked shyly at the ground.
"Congratulations, Honey!" my aunt smiled. "You look beautiful, and everything smells wonderful!"
"Yeah congratulations, kiddo, on not burning the place down!" Nate smirked. My aunt reached out and smacked him on the butt. "Oww!" he cried. "Come on, I'm being nice. I was congratulating her!"
"Shut up, Nate!" Sam jumped in. Then she turned to me, holding up a foiled covered tray, "Look! I brought dessert," she grinned.
"Yes, and wonders never cease! Somehow, we also still have a house!"
"Nathan!" my aunt rebuked.
"Well, come on, I have to have some fun," Nate grumbled. "Where are our two campadres?" he asked me. "Matty and I thought they'd be right behind you, giving you all sorts of shit!"
"Watch your mouth," my uncle scolded, but the remark had hit home. Tears welled in my eyes, and I looked away quickly . Silence fell as I struggled to keep from crying. ‘Where is Mamma?' I thought.
Finally, after a minute, Matt spoke looking at me with concern, "Jess, what's wrong?" Nobody was smiling now. I still didn't answer, knowing I would cry if I did. I was just praying now for my mother or father to come through the kitchen door and redirect the activity.
"What is it, sweetheart?" my aunt encouraged gently. I swallowed and tried to meet her eyes, but tears began to streak my face.
"Did you burn something afterall?" Nate scoffed.
"Shut up!" Sam hissed at him.
Finally Carrie was no longer able to contain herself, "Dan and Alex are going to get a whipping," she blurted.
"Shut up you little brat!" I screamed. "Why can't you just mind your own business? You are such a blabber mouth!"
"Then, it's true?" Matt spoke quietly. I looked back at him, and nodded, biting my lip.
"Oh Dear," my aunt exclaimed softly, looking at my uncle. I dropped the flowers, putting my hands over my face and breaking down completely. Matt quietly bent to pick them up, placing them on the table. "Come here, sweetie," my aunt held out her arms to me, and I went to her, snuggling up against her as she held me and really letting go.
"What did they do?" Nate asked quietly. All my cousins were pale and worried looking now.
Just then my dad entered hurridly through the swinging kitchen door, followed closely by my mom. "Sorry, sorry everyone . . ." my dad started with a good attempt at cheerfulness, but stopped short as he took in the scene, "well I can see you've all already been apprised of the situation," his voice took on the ironic tone it always did when somebody was in trouble.
"What's going on, Steven?"my uncle inquired.
"What's going on is Dan and Alex are about to get their butts whipped, just as soon as I find them!" My dad retorted.
"Well, we gathered that much," my uncle returned. "They're not in the house?"
"Jess didn't give you all the details?" my dad snapped irritably.
"Jess didn't tell us anything!" Matt responded protectively, his eyes flashing.
"Watch your tone, Matthew!" my uncle scolded. "It was actually Carrie who alerted us to Alex and Dan's predicament," he explained, "but she left out most of the details."
"I see," my dad glared at my younger sister who shrank against Dennis and Toby. Each of the twins put a protective hand on her shoulder, but my dad's tone was softer, almost tired when he next spoke, "No, they're not in the house. They were throwing water balloons at the cars on Ash Road earlier today."
"Dear Lord!" my uncle interjected. He glared at Matt and Nathan as they each turned another shade of white, "I certainly hope you boys have never been involved with anything so foolish!"
"No sir!" they chorused a little too emphatically.
"Well, at one point," my dad continued, "they apparently missed the car they were aiming at and hit Catherine's youngest daughter by accident. The car swerved and nearly ran off the road, and the boys ran off. Cathy called Sara, and was understandably furious. The boys must know she saw them because they've been keeping themselves well out of sight, though I'm sure they're on the farm somewhere. I'm a little worried now though. I don't like any of the kids to be out there after dark when I don't know where they are." He put his hand to his eyes, "We were out looking for them just now, but there are too many places for them to hide," he paused. "Jess, Honey, I need you to tell me where to look or I need you to go and find them. Your mother is getting very worried."
"I don't know where they are, Daddy!" I sobbed, clinging to my aunt. She tightened her arms around me.
"Jessica," my dad was growing impatient, "either you find them or I will! And if I have to walk back out that door and go tramping around the farm all night, they are going to be very sorry indeed when I do get hold of them." I just continued to sob on my aunt's shoulder without responding.
"All right, have it your way!" my father exclaimed irritably after a long silence. He turned to leave again and my uncle took his hat from the hooks by the door.
"I'll go with you, Steven," he said.
"No!" I cied, horrified, lifting my head to look at my father and uncle. "No, wait! Wait . . . ." They did as I stood there trying to collect myself. "Ok," I sobbed, "there might be one place I can check."
"Do you want me to go with you, Jess?" Matt asked softly. My uncle looked at my father and winked.
"No, it's all right," I said, brushing at my tears, "I think I better go alone." I turned towards the door. Matt caught my hand as I passed him and squeezed it. Maybe it was time to just get it over with before things got any worse, I thought.
"Make it quick, Jess!" my dad commanded as I opened the door. "I have just about had it!"
I was still crying when I left the house, but the night air around me was soothing and I became calmer as I walked. I was headed down to the creek which ran just down the hill from the barn. There was a treehouse there that my dad had built for me, Dan and Alex when we were younger. These days we all considered ourselves too old for it and Carrie and the twins had more or less taken it over. Dan and Alex especially played up on the idea that now they were too old for such childish things as treehouses, specifically because they still did, on occasion, come here, mostly when they wanted to be alone and often, like now, when they were in trouble. There was a huge amount of undergrowth that afforded numerous places to hide and because they put on such an air of disdain around everyone else they could easily sit forever in the treehouse without being noticed. No one would ever think to look for them there.
I saw no immediate signs of them when I stepped into the little clearing, but I knew they were there. Silently, I made my way over to one of the two swings hanging from an outstretched limb of the tree and sat down, looking at the ground and listening to the night sounds as I traced designs in the dirt with my toe. After a few moments of waiting quietly, there were rustling sounds that I didn't think were being made by an animal, and then a minute or so later, Dan emerged from the shadows. I didn't look up at him, and wordlessly he sat down on the empty swing beside me. He looked alternately at the ground and at me, as he traced his own patterns in the dirt, but still neither of us spoke, and finally my younger brother appeared too, stepping out from the dark outline at the base of the tree and sitting on the ground in front of me, with his knees drawn to his chin.
It was Dan who finally broke the silence, "How mad is he?" he whispered hoarsely. He'd obviously been crying, and tears stung my eyes.
"He's pretty mad," my voice broke, and Alex hid his face on his knees. "Uncle Rob, Aunt Rebecca and Matt, Nate and Sam are all at the house . . ."
"Fuck! I forgot they were coming tonight!" Dan exclaimed, and my younger brother's crying now became audible. Clearly he had forgotten too.
I didn't really know what to say as my brothers each struggled with this new information that made their situation about ten times worse. Part of me was really annoyed with them and wanted to shout out, "Why not? Why didn't you remember? It was MY night! Couldn't you have just put your foolish pranks aside and stayed out of trouble for just one night?" The larger part of me, though, knew that no one was more sorry than my brothers right now, and no one was wishing more that they could go back in time and erase the whole incident, not just because they had gotten caught either, but because they were genuinely sorry. They never used their heads when it came to these things. They were always pranking people, and they never intended anyone to get hurt, but tonight someone nearly had. They knew it, and that, together with the knowledge that they had ruined my night, was making them more miserable than the whipping they knew they were bound to get.
As if reading my thoughts, my older brother finally looked at me, "I'm sorry, Jess . . .I'm so sorry," he lost it completely then and I put my arms around him, my heart aching as he nestled against my shoulder.
"Oh Dan, it's all right," I said, my anxiety increasing as the sobs from my younger brother became noticeably harder. His heart was even more tender than Dan's. "Listen guys, it's all right! I did it once, now. I can do it again."
"So . . .ever . ..every . . .thing went ok?" My younger brother's question was nearly incomprehensible.
"Yes, everything went fine," I murmered.
"We were afraid," said Dan, "that Mrs. Schwartz might have called at a bad time . . ."
"No, no," I assured him, "we were finished." I didn't mention that we had only just finished.
"What did you make?" Dan was starting to calm down and I hesitated. I didn't want to make them feel worse. "What, is it like a secret or something?" Dan asked when I still hadn't answered after another minute. He lifted his face to look at me, and I gently brushed some of his remaining tears away.
"No, not a secret exactly," I answered him slowly, "more of a surprise." He looked at me inquisitively. "I made lasagna," I admitted reluctantly, and I heard my younger brother's crying pause dramatically.
"What!? Oh no, Jess! Did you make that for us?" Both my brothers began to cry hard again. "Why didn't you tell us that's what you were making?" Dan sobbed.
"Because I wanted it to be a surprise," tears started to streak my cheeks again too, "and I didn't want to get lots of shit from you guys if something went wrong!"
"God, Jess! I don't know what to say. I feel like such a jerk!" The violence of Alex's sobs told me he was feeling the same way, and I was once again at a loss for words.
"It's all right," I soothed, "there will be other nights. I'm just worried about you guys now."
"What's Dad going to do, do you think?" Dan choked. "Do you think he'll cane us?"
"I don't know," I whispered again brokenly, "he is pretty mad." My father had aquired a cane two years ago to use on me and Dan when we were caught skipping school one day. My cousin, Matt, had been with us. My aunt, to my uncle's chagrin, had forbidden my dad to cane her youngest son, but he had been forced to watch the bare bottom canings Dan and I had received and had, against his mother's wishes, received the strap from his father when they got home. So far, my father had not used the cane again, but it was always there as a threat. All was quiet again for a few minutes, my brothers' sobs being the only sound, and then finally Dan began to calm down.
"I guess we have to go back, don't we?" he asked even though he knew the answer.
"It would be better," I agreed, feeling sick as I looked at my brothers' scared faces. "It will be worse if he has to come looking for you." Dan looked away, trying to pull himself together enough to face the houseful of people that awaited us. Finally, after a minute he looked at my younger brother who was still crying, but not as hard.
"Are you ready, Bro?" Alex nodded against his knees and looked up at us, brushing at the tears that still trickled down his face. He then got to his feet, looking longingly at me. I stood up too and held out my arms. He buried his face against my shoulder and started to sob again. Dan looked away guiltily. I knew the whole thing was probably my older brother's idea, as all of these hair-brained schemes usually were and as usual Alex was just along for the ride. I swallowed hard as I held him, trying to fight back my own tears. I knew we had to go back. My dad would be getting impatient now, and the more impatient he became, the worse it would be for my brothers. Finally Alex started to calm down again and my older brother got to his feet. When Alex had pulled himself together as best as he could, we started the ascent up the hill, making our way slowly back to the house. I was in front and my brothers came just behind me. None of us spoke as we walked, but I could sense an increase in Dan and Alex's agitation as we neared the house. I paused as we came to the porch steps and looked at them.
"Are you guys sure you're ready?" I asked softly. They looked really scared.
"Do we have a choice?" Dan returned sarcastically. I knew the tone was sparked by a turmoil of emotion, and I reached for his hand and squeezed it. He looked away. Alex too, was fighting back tears again, but I continued up the stairs. It was better now just to get it over with. Slowly, I opened the door, and immediately bit my lip.
All my siblings and cousins were in the parlor watching a movie. At least, Carrie, Dennis and Toby had been watching it. My cousins were not even pretending to be. Sam was sitting with her feet drawn up, her head on her knees, hiding her face. Matt was stretched beside her, picking at the carpet and looking as though it really was the most interesting thing he had ever seen, and my oldest cousin was flopped on the couch behind them, clutching at the pillows. Carrie kept pushing his feet off the end where she was stuffed and Nate kept putting them back, kicking her accidentally on purpose in the process. "Stop it, Nate!" she squealed, pushing his feet to the ground once more. "Your feet are smelly!"
Nate looked up as I opened the screen door, and raised his eyebrows inquiringly. It was then that I realized my brothers were not behind me. They had remained at the bottom of the steps, both trying to master their emotions. I stepped inside, shutting the screen door as quietly as possible behind me, and then turned back to Nate, my eyes swimming. We shared a long look and then he poked Sam, making both Matt and Samantha look at him. He nodded towards me and they both got to their feet. They were walking towards me when my dad entered the hall from the kitchen where the adults were gathered. I quickly closed the wooden door again halfway in an effort to block his view, and my cousins paused, standing awkwardly in the doorway, unsure what to do.
"You didn't find them?" my father pushed his hand through his hair, with an expression of livid anxiety. Just then my brothers came up the porch steps, appearing at the screen door behind my shoulder. My dad caught sight of them, and started to unbuckle his belt. "Get in here!" he commanded, throwing the wooden door wide as he slid his belt through the loops. I looked longingly at Matt, my vision blurred. I wanted to run to him, but I was mortified for my brothers. Things could be no worse.
They hesitated slightly as their eyes fell on Matt and Sam, but they didn't dare to disobey my dad. Alex was in front of Dan and timidly he opened the door. My dad grabbed his arm as he stepped through and dragged him the rest of the way in, twisting his arm sharply. "OWW! Daddy, OWW!" Alex cried. My father took no notice, but pinned my younger brother's arm to his back and forced him against the wall, right next to the door of the parlor. "NO! Daddy, No!" my brother pleaded.
"Don't you tell me ‘No!'" my father responded, and SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! He let the belt fly.
"OWWW! OWWW! OWWW!" my brother screamed. I flinched each time the belt struck him and hot tears started to trickle down my face. My older brother had been close on Alex's heels, stepping through the door and closing it behind them. Now he stood with his back against it, his face in his hands as my father continued to whip our younger brother. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! "OWWW, Daddy!" Alex howled. "Please! Please! OWWW!" Matt and Sam just stood there, frozen in horror and all other sounds from the parlor and kitchen had ceased. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! My father brought the belt down sharply three more times for a total of at least ten, and then let my younger brother go. He wasted no time moving from Alex to Dan and as my younger brother turned from the wall, sobbing and rubbing his bottom, my father hauled my older brother forward by his arm, forcing him against the wall too.
SMACK! "Ah . . .!" my brother gritted his teeth and threw his head back. SMACK! "AH!" his cries were not as loud or as paniced sounding as Alex's were. He was trying to retain his composure in front of our cousins and younger siblings, but my dad was hitting him harder than he had Alex and he was scolding him all the while too.
"Do not think that I don't know that this foolishness was your idea, Daniel!" SMACK!
"Ahh . . .!"
"I am very unhappy with you! Not that I'm particularly proud of your brother at the moment either," he glanced over at Alex who was still sobbing and rubbing his bottom, "but you, as the oldest, are in particular trouble!" SMACK!!
"AHHH!! I'm sorry, Dad!"
"Not as sorry as you're gonna be!" SMACK!!
"OWWW!" My brother had been holding up well. Each stinging smack brought tears to my eyes, but he took them without much more than a single grunt of pain at first. Now, however, I could see him starting to lose control and I knew with sickening certainty that my dad's intention was to make him cry in front of our cousins.
"I am so ashamed of both of you right now! To have participated in something so reckless and foolish to begin with merits the whipping you are both about to get!" SMACK!
"OWWW! Daddy, OWWW!"
"But to run off like you did and hide! Not even taking responsibility! Making me tramp all over the farm trying to find you!! Causing your mother worry! Forcing your cousins and aunt and uncle into an extremely awkward position! Ruining the night for your sister!!"That started Dan's tears. He had been chewing his lip in an effort to hold them back, but now they began to streak his face. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
"OWW! OWW! OWW!" my brother shrieked as my father really turned the belt loose. "I'm sorry, Dad! I'm so sorry!"
"Yes, well you're going to be sorrier still!" SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
"OWWW! GOD, Dad!" Dan sobbed.
"Watch your mouth!" SMACK! "You're both lucky that I don't take your pants down and cane you here and now for your behavior tonight!" SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
"OWWW! I'm Sorry!" my brother screamed. "I'm sorry, Dad! I'm so sorry!"
"All right, Daniel!" he let my brother go and Dan immediately grabbed his bottom and turned to face us. He was sobbing as hard as my younger brother. "Both of you get upstairs! You have your mother and sister to thank, that the rest of this will be continued in the privacy of your room!" Dan and Alex both just stood there. "Go on, get!" he commanded. "Before I change my mind!" My brothers both made a dash for the stairs, not even glancing at me as they scrambled up them and into their room, slamming the door behind them. My father walked off down the hallway toward the dining room and ultimately his bedroom, and I collapsed against the wall putting my hands over my face and sobbing. A minute later I felt Matt gently pulling my hands from my face and I looked up at him, tears running down my face.
"Oh Baby Girl, I'm so sorry," he said softly, and I threw myself into his arms, hugging him tightly and burying my face against his shoulder.
"It's not fair, Matt! It's not fair!" I sobbed.
"I know," he said softly, "I know." He held me tightly and kissed my cheek as I continued to sob. Sam remained shell-shocked in the doorway of the parlor and Nate who had not moved from the couch had his face down in the pillows, clutching them tightly. Even Carrie and the twins looked sorry. Dennis and Toby sat on the floor by Carrie's feet, their knees drawn up and their faces hidden. Carrie was curled into her corner of the couch, her hands over her ears. Tears were visible in her eyes.
I was still in Matt's arms when my dad came back down the hallway, carrying the cane. I saw him over Matt's shoulder and my stomach lurched violently. "No, Daddy!" I screamed. "Please! Please!" I grabbed the cane as he passed us. Matt tried to pull me back, but I was holding on with both hands, determined not to let go.
"Jessie, let go, sweetie!" my father's voice was gentle at first, but firm.
"Please don't, Daddy! Please don't cane them!" my father tried to shake me off, but I held on and was dragged with him as he continued toward the stairs. Matt tried again to pull me off, but I resisted, still holding onto the cane.
"Jessica," my father's tone became impatient, "your brothers have earned this! Now let go!" My father started to walk forward again and Matt tried to hold onto me, but I clung with all my might to the cane and both my cousin and I were dragged forward, making my father lose his balance and stumble.
"Daddy! Please don't do this," I sobbed, "Please! Please!"
"Jessica, I will not tell you again! Let Go!" My father started forward once more, but still I clung, "ONE!" He started counting. My cousin redoubled his efforts to pull me away, but I fought him with everything I had, determined not to lose this battle. "Two!" my father continued.
"Matt, stop it!" I screamed. "Let me go!!"
"Nate!" Sam sobbed from the doorway. I could hear Carrie and the twins crying in the parlor, and I heard the door to the kitchen swing open as my uncle stepped into the hallway. I was still straining against my cousin as he tried to pull me away.
"Two and a half," my father continued. I was nearly brought to my knees as my dad continued to pull one way and Matt continued to pull the other, but I held on.
"Daddy, please!" I sobbed. Then I saw my older cousin come up behind me. "Nate, no!!" I protested, reading his intention even before he reached down to pry my fingers from the cane. I tried to resist, but Nate's strength and patience eventually won out and he finally succeeded in loosening my grip. My dad yanked the cane away and I lunged toward him in an effort to regain my hold, but my father was already on the stairs and Matt dragged me back. "NO!!!!!!" I screamed, flailing against him. "Let me Go, Matt! Let me go!!" my father was almost at the top of the stairs when I finally succeeded in breaking away from my cousin. I made a run for the stairs, but Nate caught me from behind, lifting me off the first step as I fought him. He set me on my feet again, only as we heard the door to Dan and Alex's room close behind my father. I turned on my cousins as my feet hit the ground again, glaring furiously at them, especially Matt and Nathan. "Why did you do that?" I screamed. "I hate you! I hate you! I will never forgive you!" Nate and Matt looked like they had been slapped and Sam just continued to sob in the doorway of the parlor.
"Jess," my uncle rebuked softly, "you're not being fair."
"I don't care!" I screamed and I ran up the stairs and into my room, slamming the door behind me. I threw myself onto my bed and sobbed, clutching my pillows and burying my face, trying to drowned out the sounds of my father's angry voice as he lectured Dan and Alex. I knew I really was being unfair and I cried harder as I thought about the expression on Matt's face as I shouted at him. I was still crying hard when I heard the door open softly. Without a word Sam entered the room and came to sit beside me on the bed. She was still crying too. I felt her hand on the back of my head and I looked up at her. "I'm sorry, Sam!" I choked as tears trickled down my face. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it!"
"Oh Jess, it's ok! We all know that!" she sobbed.
"I just can't believe this is happening! Why did this have to happen, Sam?"
"I don't know," she returned brokenly. I looked at her for another minute and then sat up, seeing her through blurred vision. She opened her arms and I put my head on her shoulder, feeling her arms close around me.
"They never learn!" I sobbed. "They never learn!" She was quiet and we just clung to one another as my father's tones increased and became sharper.
"Daniel! I do not want to hear one more thing coming from your big mouth! Show your brother how to do the pillows. Alex, pull down your pants!"
"How many ballons do you boys reckon you threw today?" Silence. "Somebody better answer me!"
"I don't know, ten maybe," my older brother returned obnoxiously.
"You had better can the attitude right now, Mister! Alex, do you agree?"
"Sir?"
"Do you agree? How many ballons do you think you threw today?"
"Yes," my younger brother responded timidly, "probably about ten. Somewhere between ten and fifteen."