"You cheat!" I screamed at Carry, and then I smiled to let her know I was joking. I would never have given this courtesy to my brother, Dan. He and I often got into extremely heated card games. We'd shout and slam our fists against the floor and call each other names, then we'd shake hands when it was over. It was fun. However, for some reason, today, my brother was no where to be found.
In fact, neither Carry nor I had seen any of the boys in over an hour. We, feeling abandoned, had decided to indulge ourselves by playing a game in our room and then make them feel guilty when they finally wandered in. It was actually kind of fun. Carry and I almost never spent time with each other and Dan and Alex almost never got together with Dennis and Toby, so it was probably a good thing, but I was beginning to get worried.
I mean no one had seen them in over an hour and a half now, not even Mamma. Suppose, just suppose they were up to something. I knew how Alex and Dan's minds worked, especially Dan's. I couldn't help being a little paranoid, especially after the incident that had occurred three years ago. Now Dan and I both knew that when our father was angry he could lose control very fast. "Come on Carry, let's try and find them," I had decided that our little bonding session was over.
"All right," she said, more because she was bored than for any other reason. We knew that the boys were not anywhere in the house, so we went outside and wandered around for awhile. We weren't in any particular hurry. It was a half-hour or so before we found anything, and then it was not at all what we had hoped to find.
The ground by the barn was littered with cigarette butts. Looking at it made me queasy. I hated to think my big brother was smoking. Worse yet, I hated to think he was teaching my three younger brothers to do the same. Worst of all, I hated to think what my dad would do to all of them, especially Dan and Alex, if he found out. "Jess, are they going to be in big trouble?" asked Carry quietly.
"I hope not," I said. "Let's pick as many of these up as possible. Maybe, Dad won't notice . . . ." I tried to keep my voice calm as I lied through my teeth to keep from scaring my sister. My father was a very observant man and Carry and I did not have time to clear away all of the telltale evidence. Where on earth were the four boys, anyway? Were they trying to get in trouble or something?
As if he'd read my mind, I heard a masculine voice behind me, "Jess, we'll take care of it," said Dan, his voice was barely above a whisper.
I turned to glare at him. We locked eyes and he grimaced. "Daniel Neil Kane! What the hell were you thinking!?" I shouted. "Don't you remember anything? How could you forget so soon!? Are you crazy!?" Alex, Carry and my two youngest brothers stood opened mouthed and gawked as I rushed at Dan, making him drop the black garbage bag he had with him. They gaped wide-eyed as I attempted to pummel him with my fists. The only move Dan made to defend himself was to grasp my arms firmly before my hands struck any part of him. I wriggled, trying to break loose to no avail. Finally I screamed at him, "How could you be so stupid!?" My hysterical fit then turned into erratic sobbing and at last my brother responded. He put his arms around me and held me tight. I clung to him and cried.
My sister and brothers still stood in stupefied amazement. They had never seen me act this way towards Dan, and they were shocked that he had not tried to defend himself in his usual hot-headed way. When I at long last withdrew from my brother's concerned arms, things became awkward and for a minute all was silent. I looked sideways at Alex and saw the curiosity in his eyes, he was about to open his mouth.
"Well," I practically interrupted him as I brushed at some stray tears, "we've got to get as many of these as possible picked up before Dad gets here and by my watch we have about five minutes." I had said magic words to make Alex, Dennis and Toby forget, or at least delay their curiosity, and they sprang into action. We could only hope that their questions would not resurface. Carry was still standing there, looking inquisitively at me and Dan. Neither of us had moved either. She looked ready to ask something, thought better of it and closed her mouth, turning to help the others. Dan and I breathed an inward sigh of relief and turned to pick up the cigarettes.
In a few minutes time we had almost all of them picked up. I bent down to pluck another bunch off the ground, stood up and . . . "Son, what are you doing?" My father's stern, cold voice reached my ears. I spun around, my heart racing. Dad had his heavy hand on Dan's stooped shoulder and my brother slowly stood up. His face and eyes seemed to overflow with panic. My father's voice had belied his words, giving us every indication that he knew only too well what we were all doing. Dan didn't say anything. "Daniel, I believe I asked you a question."
"What do you want me to say, Dad?" he asked cooly, looking at me. I longed to go to him, but neither of us wished to make this appear any worse to Carry and our three chalk-white brothers than it already did. I looked over at the four of them. They had all cowered against the barn, hoping they could somehow disappear into its shadows. I knew the feeling. Dennis and Toby started to cry quietly, anticipating a very sound spanking. They were the least of my worries. I was reasonably certain that Papa would go easy on them.
"Tell me who was involved here. You can't have smoked all of these by yourself!" My Dad's voice snapped my attention back to Dan. He remained quiet and Papa tightened his already somewhat painful grip on Dan's shoulder. Dan gritted his teeth and bore the pain. I could guess what had happened. Dan, being a sophomore in high school now, had probably decided, just out of curiosity to give cigarettes a try, just to see what the big deal was. He had probably tried to sneak off and in one way or another got found. I'm sure he felt like he better appease the twins or they would surely rat, and then of course he couldn't leave Alex out. Now, he felt responsible. All of a sudden my father grabbed me by my arm and pulled me forward, holding me as tightly as he grasped my brother. "Were you involved with this!?" Sparks flew from his eyes. I felt my face go pale as he continued to glare at me. The minute of silence that followed was unbearable.
"She and Carry didn't do anything," said Alex, finally, in a small voice. My father released my arm quickly and loosened his hold on Dan. There was a white ring around my upper wrist where he had gripped me. We all looked at Alex. Tears were now trickling slowly down his face, but he moved out from the wall and stood his ground.
"So, what you're leading me to understand," my father said, remaining dangerously calm, "is that my four boys are responsible for the mess in my yard. Is that right?" He glared first at Alex who looked away and then nodded as he looked back again, tears coming faster. My father then turned his glare on Dan. His oldest son looked up at him and without flinching, he too nodded his head. "Dennis, Toby come out here please." The twins stepped up beside Alex. They had had their cry, and they were now looking down at the ground with moist cheeks, but dry eyes. "Are your brothers telling me the truth? Did you have anything to do with this?"
They didn't look up. They just barely acknowledged the accusation. Nobody in my family lied to my father. We had all been taught, at one time or another, that it was a very unwise thing to do. "I see," said my father and he let go of Dan. I wanted to run to him, but my feet were frozen to the ground. I knew by the way he was looking at me, that he longed for comfort, but that he felt as immobile as I did. So, instead we fixed our eyes on our father.
He walked slowly toward Alex, Dennis and Toby. Carry remained in the shadows, crouching against the wall and sobbing, her little hands acting as a cover for her eyes. Dennis and Toby lifted their eyes, saw Papa approach and slowly backed away. I knew they were going to make it worse. I wanted to shout to them, but my voice stuck in my throat. All of a sudden they bolted, one in one direction, the other going another way. They were headed straight for me and Dan. Before I knew what was happening, Dennis had barreled right into me. I lost my balance, but only for a second. I quickly recovered my composure and grabbed Dennis by both arms. Toby had almost escaped immediate capture, as he did not collide with my older brother, but at the last second Dan reached out and caught the back of his shirt, dragging him back until he got hold of his arms.
I held my little brother fast, knowing my father's rage was mounting by the second. The poor little thing struggled and screamed, trying futilely to free himself. I wanted so much to let him go, but he wouldn't stand a chance. I fortunately did not have long to hold onto him. I knew his wiggling could get difficult to check after awhile. My father had been close on the heels of his two youngest sons. Now, he came on quick and hard. First, he came to Dennis and grabbed one of his arms from my grasp, twisting it cruelly as I released the other. Disregarding the pitiful wail that arose from his son's throat, he pinned his arm behind his back, wrestled him to the ground and relentlessly thrashed him. His hand came down again and again. It seemed ages before he let him go. The whole time, I could do nothing, but stand there and cry. When Papa finally let him up, Dennis took off as fast as he could for the house. I didn't have time to think about him after that, because my father was moving quickly toward Toby.
"Let me go, Dan!", yelled the louder of the twins. He wiggled even more than Dennis, but stood even less of a chance in Dan's strong grip. "I hate you!" he shouted. "I hate you so much! You always stand up for Jessica and Alex, but you don't even let me stand up for myself!" I knew Dan felt as bad as I did about what we had felt obligated to do. There was no way for Dennis and Toby to know that we had acted in their own interest. "You, don't like me!" he sobbed, and Dan was unable to respond as his little tormenter was thrown kicking and screaming across my father's knee.
Alex and Carry were sobbing as my father let Toby go and tears streamed down my face and Dan's. Toby gave both me and Dan a look of pure hate before he stomped stiffly off to the house. He actually looked quite comical, but nobody laughed. Dan started to choke and cry harder. He put his hands over his face, and finally I felt my feet move. Then I had my arms around him. We just stood there, holding onto one another, afraid of what would come next.
Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my leg, and I let go of Dan very quickly and looked down. Carry was standing there looking very red in the face and extremely infuriated. Again, she tried to kick me. Dan brought his hand up to catch her leg, and the little weasel bit him as hard as she could. Dan pulled his hand back quickly. Blood trickled out of the wound. "Whose side are you on, anyway?!" she demanded. We stared sadly at her, but didn't answer. All of a sudden she was all over us, biting, kicking, pinching and beating us with her small fists. She did everything an eight year old could think of to avenge her two brothers. Dan and I did our best to defend ourselves, but we did not try to hurt her back, in any way. The tiny wounds she inflicted pained our hearts more than our bodies. Her onslaught lasted no more than a couple of minutes, but it was to cause me and Dan years of nightmares and many sleepless nights. Carry would have gone on, but my Dad was in no mood and with one quick swat across the rear end, he sent her scurrying toward the house.
It was then that Dan and I finally looked up to awkwardly meet Alex's gaze. I could see he was trying to understand. With our eyes, Dan and I pleaded with him to let it go. He seemed to comprehend because he looked down and when he looked up again, we saw that the familiar expression that revealed the love and friendship the three of us shared had pushed out his look of puzzlement. Maybe, he didn't understand our reasons for holding the twins, but he wasn't going to question it. I had almost forgotten that Dan and Alex were in trouble too, but my father brought me back to reality very abruptly.
He came up behind us and grabbed Dan hard by his upper arm. Dan didn't struggle. I was surprised he hadn't gone for Alex, first. As if he knew what I was thinking, my father, keeping a firm grip on Dan, advanced a few steps and secured his younger son in the same way. Alex took his cue from Dan and remained calm. My father then began to walk around the barn toward the doors. His silence and his direction scared me. I followed closely. He escorted my brothers through the open doors, and when they were inside, he released them. He started to unbuckle his belt, with slow determination. Both my brothers turned deathly pale. I wouldn't have been surprised if it were just Dan, but Alex too . . .I began to feel sick. "Papa, please don't use that belt on Alex, please . . .," I pleaded from the doorway. He ignored me as he slipped the dreaded strap from its loops. "Papa, Please . . .!"
"Either keep your mouth shut, or go back to the house!" he shouted. I almost turned to leave, but then I caught Alex's eyes. He looked so terrified. He had never dreamt my father would use anything, but his hand on any of us. My father's next command made my heart freeze. "Alex, pull down your pants and underwear, and get up against the wall!"
"What!?" my oldest brother exclaimed. "Dad, please. It was my fault . . .!"
"Oh! Don't you worry, Daniel, I am perfectly able to determine where the brunt of the blame should lie."
"Then, why do you have to do this to Alex? Dad, please . . .it is MY fault!" he repeated desperately, his voice cracked with emotion.
"You and I will have a thorough discussion about this later, Dan. In the mean time, Alex, you need to do as you are told!" Alex had not moved, but now he started to back away. Tears filled his mischievous green eyes and ran down his terror stricken face. I even saw a couple roll down and plop off the end of his little freckled nose. He crouched against the side of the barn and his heartrending sobs filled the air. Alex do not make me tell you again!" Alex did not move. Slowly, my father moved toward him, his belt now looped and dangling from one hand. Dan stood frozen to the ground, his eyes wide with horror.
"Daddy, NO!!!" I screamed. I ran forward as he reached for Alex and pulled him to his feet. I grabbed my father's arm, "Please, Daddy! Please don't do this!" He shook me off without a word. Alex and I grabbed frantically for one another. My father dropped the belt, and wrenched us apart with the strength that all my brothers, but Toby and Dan in particularly, had inherited. He kept us just inches apart.
With his one hand, he shook me hard. "I clearly remember telling you to go back to the house!" he yelled.
"It's not her fault!" screamed Alex. "Daddy, please . . . ." In one motion my father let go of me, drew back his hand and brought it down hard against the side of Alex's face, sending him reeling. I caught my breath and drew it in. My crying stopped. I could not believe this was happening. That horrible day, three years ago, would not be an isolated event in my memories, after all. Dan let out a yell, and rushed forward to steady Alex as he stumbled back. Alex raised a hand to feel the red welt that was already beginning to form. His sobs had ceased as well, but his eyes were full of shocked and frightened rage.
Dan stood, now with his hands on Alex's shoulders, towering above him, for he was extremely tall even for fifteen. My oldest brother's normally warm hazel eyes were now dark with anger, but my father's fury was still greater. "All three of you, just shut the hell up! I am sick of listening to your mouths!" He turned to me, "You go back to the house before I decide to give you a full share of what your brothers are about to get just for getting in the way! I will not speak to you again!" Then he turned to face Dan and Alex again, "And the two of you had better start minding me! I should think you've caused enough trouble for one day! Teaching two ten year olds to smoke! The very idea makes me ill! Alex get over here!"
"Everyone makes mistakes, Dad!" my older brother responded hotly.
"Oh, yeah?! Well you two messed up big this time!" With that, My father grabbed Alex from Dan and gave him several hard smacks with his hand.
"OWW!! I'm sorry! Oww! Papa please!"
"Oh, now, it's 'I'm sorry,' and 'Papa Please!'" Alex was crying again before he stopped. "That is for giving me such a hard time. Now, maybe you will start cooperating! You get those pants down and get ready for the worst whipping of your young life!"
I began to cry again silently, as my Dad picked up the belt. Alex sobbed as he began to undo the button on his jeans. I looked at my older brother, whose punishment I could not even bear to think about, and my stomach lurched to see the expression that told the whole world how solely responsible he felt for the humiliation Alex was having to endure. I knew I should go back to the house, in order to spare both my brothers any more pain and humiliation than was necessary, but I could not make myself leave. "Get 'em down, Alex! I don't have all day to play games!" My Dad's voice snapped my attention back to my younger brother who was standing with his pants unbuttoned and unzipped, his face beet red, as he looked across at me. I met his eyes, and swallowed, but still I could not move. My Dad followed Alex's gaze and erupted. "That's it! I have had enough of this nonsense! Jessica, if you want to humiliate your brothers still further that is your business, but don't you dare interfere even once more. If you do, they will be the ones to pay for it." With that my dad grabbed Alex by the arm again and hauled him to the side of the barn. He ordered him to place his hands against the wall and then he roughly jerked his jeans and underwear to his ankles.
"No! Daddy, please!" The sight of my little brother in that vulnerable position made me forget my father's warning the moment after it was uttered and I rushed forward, but my older brother caught me in his arms and pushed me back.
"You can't help him, Jess! You're only going to make it worse," Dan cried. "I already have this on my conscience. I will not let you carry it on yours." I struggled briefly with him until his words sunk in, and then I collapsed against him. He held me tightly, blocking my view of my father and Alex. I put my head in his chest and cried. I could hear both my brothers crying too and I clung even tighter to Dan.
My father took up a position on Alex's left side. "Alex, look at me," my father's voice was flat and emotionless. "What have I always told you about smoking?" Alex didn't say anything. "What was that? I didn't hear you," my father continued evenly.
"That it's bad," Alex finally managed in a barely audible voice.
"Umm hmm. And . . .haven't I always promised to punish you properly, if I ever caught you doing it?"
"Yes sir," Alex's voice was still no more than a whisper.
"Well, didn't you believe me?"
"Yes," came the tiny response.
"Then why, in God's name, did you do it, Alex?"
"I don't know," my brother replied softly.
"I see. Well . . . that's not good enough," my father brought the belt up, let it rest for a moment against Alex's bottom and then drew back and brought it down hard. Alex cried out and reached back with his hands, and I felt Dan flinch. "Try again."
"I don't know why I did it, Papa," Alex pleaded, still rubbing the sore spot "I really don't."
"Ok, Alex. We will do this the hard way. Get your hands back against that wall and do not move them again. Push your bottom out! Further! Good." With that my father stood back, took aim, brought the belt back and brought it down quick and hard five times in a row.
"Oww!Papa please . . .!" Alex started to cry really hard.
"Why'd you do it?"
"I don't know . . .OWW, OWW, OH . . .I mean. . .just because I guess."
"Just because is not a good answer!" My father continued to bring the belt down, two on one side, two on the other, one in the center. Alex was crying so hard now that when he spoke everything he said was garbled and incomprehensible. He was dancing from side to side to avoid blows and only succeeding in taking them on his thighs instead. Dan and I clung to one another as my father continued his rhythmic pattern with the belt. "Do you think that everything your brother does is cool?" I felt Dan suck in his breath and when he released it, it came out as a half-strangled sob.
"No!" Alex responded defensively.
"Then why did you follow his example today?"
"I . . .don't . . . know . . .," Alex's voice caught in his throat, "it's not his fault."
"Are you grateful to your brother for this experience?" SPANK, SPANK, SPANK, SPANK.
"Oww, Oww, it hurts! Papa, please!"
"Answer me! Are you glad that your brother introduced you to smoking?" SPANK, SPANK, SPANK, SPANK, SPANK! "No. But . . .Oh! Oww! It's . . .not . . .his fault!" sobbed Alex and he reached back with his hands to rub his bottom. "Papa, please! It hurts so much!" My father took the belt and struck at Alex's hands, making him scream.
"You have your brother to thank for that," he replied. Alex was sucking on his fingers where the belt had struck them. "Put your hands back up, and keep them out of the way! Let's thank your brother properly for this experience. After every stroke, say 'Thank you Dan, for letting me smoke.'"
"No . . .it's not his fault . . .it was my choice . . .!" Alex remained stubborn. Papa spanked him five more times with the belt.
"Say it!"
"No . . ." Alex sobbed.
"Alex, for God's sake, say it!!!" Dan interjected, lifting his head from my shoulder.
"I am giving you one more opportunity, Alex, and then if you don't say it, I am going to finish your punishment by giving you twice what you will otherwise get."
"Alex, please!! It is my fault! Please just say it!" Dan pleaded desperately, but Alex held out, refusing both my Dad's demands and my older brother's pleas.
"All right, have it your way. Bend over and grab your ankles!" Alex slowly did as he was told, tears sliding down his cheeks. "Count every stroke. If you miss one I will repeat it until I hear you count it!" With that my father stepped back and really let the belt fly.
Alex's screams were terrible to hear and it did not take long before they pushed my older brother over the edge.
"Stop it, Dad!"
"Dan . . .you were right before! Please just let it go . . .," my pleas fell on deaf ears, and I gripped my brother tighter, and sobbed, knowing he was beyond reason.
"Just stop it!! He has had enough!" Dan yelled. My father ignored him and continued to lay into Alex's already well punished bottom, making my little brother shriek in a way that turned my blood cold.
Finally Dan was unable to stand it any longer and he rushed at my father. "Dan no!" I tried to block his way, but he pushed me aside. I grabbed at his arm, but he easily pulled away and I watched in helpless terror as he caught the belt in mid-swing and threw it across the barn.
"You bastard! Leave him alone!" Without a word, my father grabbed Dan by both shoulders and threw him against the wall. He brought his hand up and slapped him hard across the face twice.
"You little shit! You think you're really hot stuff, don't you! Well, I am going to remind you that at fifteen you are still expected to obey rules and mind your manners! You are in more hot water than you've ever been in! Boy, you can't even imagine! I'm going to whip your ass so hard, you'll be wearing the marks for a month!" With that he grabbed Dan's arm, and began to manhandle him toward the door. I met Dan's frightened eyes and my heart stopped. As concerned as I was about Alex, who had by now crumpled in a heap on the floor, I could not bring myself to leave my older brother. Tentatively, I followed them out of the barn.
"Daddy . . .," I ventured timidly. If my father heard me he didn't stop, so after a second I tried again, making an effort to be louder. "Daddy, where are you taking him?" I swallowed. Still he did not turn around and we were almost back to the house. "Daddy!" My desperation caused my voice to be louder than I had intended it to be, and as we reached the door to the house, my father turned on me, keeping his tight grip on my brother.
"I will not have you interfering with this, Jessica! Do you hear me!?" I shrank away as my father glared at me, but I didn't answer. I couldn't think of anything to say as I looked at Dan's face. My father turned to open the door, shoving Dan in front of him.
"Daddy please!!!" I wailed.
My mother rushed from the kitchen as we entered the hall. "What in God's name is going on out here? . . .Steven!"
"Stay out of it, Sarah!" My father pushed Dan quickly past her and Carry and the twins who had emerged wide-eyed from the parlor, and continued up the stairs. I was close on their heels.
"Daddy!" I screamed. "Daddy please!!" I grabbed his arm and he quickly let go of Dan and grabbed me hard by my shoulder. We were at the top of the stairs, just in front of Dan and Alex's room. I heard my mother order Dennis, Toby and Carry out of the house before she came up the stairs after us.
"Now you listen to me! And listen good because I am only going to say this once more! You kids know how I feel about smoking! Not only was your brother pointedly disobeying me, but he went and involved your younger brothers as well. Then he sassed me in the barn. He has more than earned the licking he is about to get. If you want to cry about it, you go right ahead, but you go downstairs to do it because your tears are not going to do a darn thing to help Dan, and frankly I'm tired of your bawling!" My father finished and I threw myself into my brother's arms, trying to hold onto him. He held me tight.
"It's ok. . .," his voice was cracked, "I'll be ok." There was nothing further I could do as my mother and father separated us.
"Daddy, no!!!" I screamed. I tried to follow them into the boys' room, but my mother gently held me back. I broke away from her just in time to have the door slammed in my face and locked. "Mamma! Please don't let him! Papa, please!!!" I banged on the door as I heard my father's muffled tones, ordering my brother to strip. I became more panicked as I heard Papa's steps in the direction of Dan's closet. I knew he was rummaging for a belt to replace the one Dan had taken from him, and I knew he would, between Dan and Alex, have plenty to choose from. "Mamma, how can you let him do this?!"
"Sweetheart, you know how useless it is to fight with your father when he gets like this . . ."
"But . . .Mamma please . . .," I sobbed.
" . . . and," she cut me off, "you know as well as I do that your brothers deserve some amount of punishment. Dan more than any of them."
"But Mamma!!!" I cried "Please !!!" Just then Dan shrieked from the other room and I saw Mamma's face turn white. I turned to pound on the door again. "Papa, Please! Let him go!! Let him go!! Please!" I pounded until my hands were bruised and bleeding. Once my mother tried to draw me away. She pleaded with me to come downstairs. She even tried to drag me away from the door, but I refused to budge, and finally she left me. When I was too exhausted and bruised to protest anymore, I crumpled to a ball in front of the door and just cried as I heard the leather cutting into my older brother, and as I heard Dan crying and even begging my dad to stop.
It seemed like ages before the door finally opened and my father emerged. I didn't know if I even had the strength to get to my feet, but my father didn't give me long to contemplate the matter. He grabbed my arm and jerked me up to face him. I was too tired to resist. "You little, snot! You're lucky I don't beat your ass too, for pounding on the door that way! If you're so anxious about your brother then you can share the rest of his punishment!" He shoved me into Dan and Alex's room. "You both stay here for the rest of the day. I don't want to see hide or hair of either one of you, or hear a single peep coming from this room. I assure you, you will regret it if I do. There will be no dinner, and when you come to breakfast tomorrow, you'd best be prepared to behave yourselves! Is that understood?" I nodded. "Alex will sleep in Carry's room tonight. I hope I will not have anymore trouble from the three of you." With that, he closed the door and left.
I turned to look at Dan who had been watching the scene with dull eyes. He was still lying naked on his bed. He had stopped crying, but as I approached him and knelt beside him his tears started again. "I'm sorry, Jess," he whispered.
"You can't blame yourself for what I did, Dan. Besides, you know this is where I would be anyway." I stroked his hair and looked worriedly at the nasty welts and bruises that were already forming on his bottom, thighs, legs, and back.
"It's bad, isn't it," his voice was tired and full of pain.
"No . . ." the lie came out in a sob.
"You're a lousy liar," he attempted to smile. "If you were the best liar in the world, you'd never fool me and you ought to know that. Besides, I can feel how bad it is." I just continued to cry. "SHH. . . Jess, I 'll live. I'm ok. I'm awful sore, but that will get better with time." I knew he was right, but I couldn't stop crying. "Why don't you grab the blanket off of Alex's bed, and curl up with me," Dan whispered. "We'll both feel better after we sleep." I nodded tearfully and got to my feet. I walked over to Alex's bed and grabbed the blanket and the sheet off of it. I covered Dan as carefully as I could with the sheet, and then lay down next to him, covering both of us with the blanket. I put my head down on the pillow next to his as he made room for me, and this time he did smile, weakly. He threw his arm over me, and I moved closer still. It wasn't long before, cuddled up close that way, we fell asleep.
"Guys," I woke to Alex's loud whisper and I opened my eyes to see his freckled face peering down at us with concern. I raised myself to rest on my elbow.
"Alex, is everything ok?" I whispered back. Dan was still asleep.
"Yeah, fine. Well, as good as could be expected," he replied dismally. Mamma had it out with Papa and she sent me up here with that." I looked where he was pointing and saw that he had set a tray on the nightstand. She said that you guys should eat and she'd be up in a little bit. I think she's really worried about Dan.
"Well, she should be," I retorted.
Alex paled. "It was really bad, huh?" I bit my lip and my silent tears, caught in the moonlight coming from the window, were all the answer he needed.
"How are you?" I tried to at least redirect the subject.
He shrugged. "So, so I guess. Better than Dan, I'm sure."
"Aaaa, Dan's tough," I whispered. "I think I made a bigger deal out of it than he did." I decided that was all I could trust my voice to say.
"Well, I can't bare to think that I added to his punishment," Alex swallowed. I could see that he was near tears.
"I don't think you did Alex," I reassured him quietly. "Papa had it in for Dan from the time he found us in the yard, and Dan felt terrible that he got you and the twins in trouble."
"Those were our choices to make!" Alex's whisper got louder, and Dan opened his eyes. "He should not blame himself!"
Dan rubbed his eyes and yawned. Then he poked me. "Talking about me?"
"Well, look whose awake," I grinned affectionately at him, and he returned the smile. "Alex is very adamant that you not blame yourself," I said seriously. Dan looked over at him.
"Hey, champ. How you doin'?"
"Better than you." Dan grinned and very slowly sat up, wincing as he did.
"Come here," he said to Alex. Alex went around to his side of the bed.
"Now what's this that you've been babbling about to Jess.?"
"Dan, I just don't want you to blame yourself," Alex's voice caught and Dan hugged him. "It's not as if you didn't get more than your share of the punishment," he continued. "You don't need to beat yourself up too."
"Ok, Alex. I will keep that in mind. It means a lot to me that you don't blame me," he said seriously. "It goes a long way toward easing my conscience already." He gave Alex another squeeze and let him go. "Is that food on the night table?" Alex nodded and Dan grinned. "I knew Mamma would draw the line there. Did she give Papa what for?"
"Did she ever," Alex grinned a little as he said it in spite of himself. I was glad my brothers were feeling better, and I knew how loyal they both were to Mamma so I kept my mouth shut, but I wasn't ready to forgive her for letting Papa go as far as he did. Alex continued, "She said you guys should eat and then she'd be up to check on you."
I watched Dan as he authorized Alex to bring the tray over and I knew he was putting on a show for our brother's sake. Once he glanced at me and that one look told me that he was no hungrier than I was and that he was in intense pain. For Alex's benefit, however, we both tried to force down a few bites. It was at this point that Mamma entered the room. She smiled to see us eating, but I could tell she wasn't buying it either. I wasn't even 100% sure that Alex was. After a minute she shooed him out.
"Ok, Alex. You've seen that they're ok. Now go on and get to bed. It's late." I looked at the clock on Dan's dresser. It was late. Much later than I had thought. It was already 10:00.
"All right," he grumbled. He hugged us all goodnight and after Mamma had made a little fuss over him he dragged his feet in the direction of the room that Carry and I usually shared.
Then Mamma looked at Dan. "Are you ok, sweetie?" He started to nod, but broke down in the middle. "Oh, baby," Mamma rushed to gather him in her arms and he clung to her as though he were a much younger child.
"It hurts so much, Mamma!" He sobbed.
"I know, sweetie. I'm so sorry." She held Dan while he cried, but I just glared silently at her. As far as I was concerned, she was as responsible for Dan's condition as Papa. When Dan began to calm down a little she said "Now, we have to do something and at first it's going to hurt more," I could see Dan cling even tighter to her and she responded by tightening her arms around him, "but then I think it will start to feel much much better."
"I don't know if I can take it hurting more, Mamma."
"I know sweetie, but we have got to clean out those welts, or they might get infected, and then you could be in real trouble. Ok?" He nodded silently and looked for me. I met his eyes and I knew we were both thinking about the night three years ago that our father had beaten us both so bad that our mother had had to bathe us. Dan had been 12 at the time and I had been 11. Everything about today had drudged up that memory for both of us.
When Dan had finally stopped crying altogether Mamma let him go and stood up. She removed the tray, mostly untouched, from the bed and directed her attention to me. "Come on, sweetie. It's time for you to go to bed too. Why don't you go ahead and wash up . . ."
"No!" Dan's voice was desperate, almost panicked. "Let her stay."
"Dan, honey, it's not going to be . . ."
"I know Mamma. I know what you're going to say, but Jess and I have been through so much together. It's not like she hasn't seen it all before," he couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. My mother hesitated as she looked at me. "She is the only one who knows what I am going through, Mamma. I need her to stay," Dan pleaded.
"All right, sweetie, it's up to you. Of course, you need to ask your sister if that's all right with her too." Dan looked at me, but he knew already that it was what I wanted and no words were necessary between us. Mamma left us to ourselves briefly and silently Dan looked for my arms. I took him readily into them, and just held him.
When Mamma returned she had a basin of warm water, a tube of salve and a wash rag. Without a word, Dan let the sheet drop and stretched out on the bed with his head in my lap. I stroked his hair for a moment, but the minute Mamma touched him, as tenderly as she could, with the washcloth, he cried out and tried to sit up. With tears in my eyes I soothed him back to the pillow I had placed on my lap, and I gave him my hands to hold. It was a long torturous night for both of us and it was one that brought back all those memories of three years before that we had so hoped to forget.