The Crossroads

OH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD?
TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES
COME ON AND COME TO ME NOW
DON'T BE ASHAMED TO CRY
LET ME SEE YOU THROUGH
'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE DARK SIDE TOO
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
NOTHING YOU CONFESS
COULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS

I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU

SO IF YOU'RE MAD, GET MAD
DON'T HOLD IT ALL INSIDE
COME ON AND TALK TO ME NOW
HEY, WHAT YOU GOT TO HIDE?
I GET ANGRY TOO
WELL I'M A LOT LIKE YOU

WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE CROSSROADS
AND DON'T KNOW WHICH PATH TO CHOOSE
LET ME COME ALONG
'CAUSE EVEN IF YOU'RE WRONG

I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU

AND WHEN...
WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU, BABY
YOU'RE FEELING ALL ALONE
YOU WON'T BE ON YOUR OWN

I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU

I'LL STAND BY YOU
TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR
AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU
WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU
I'LL STAND BY YOU

Chris jolted awake and sat up. Something had woken him, but he couldn’t be sure what it was. The room was silent except for the tick of the wall clock centered over the T.V. The only light emanated from the small glass window in the door, and there was no movement of any kind. He rubbed his hand over his face and then looked to the bed where Andy was sleeping peacefully, his limp hand clasped tightly in Chris’ own.

The last fifteen hours or so had been dreadful. Chris had told one of the very few lies of his life to gain access first to Andy’s status and then to his room. He had ridden in the ambulance with Andy, and had told the medical staff that he was his brother. He had been asked to fill out Andy’s medical history upon their arrival at the hospital, and had done so convincingly enough that no one questioned his claim of a familial relationship. Andy had been through two blood transfusions, and had been in intensive care for six hours before the doctors finally pronounced him out of immediate danger. In all that time, Chris had never left the hospital. He had neither eaten nor slept. Shane had done his best to lure him to the cafeteria but had succeeded only in getting Chris to accept a lukewarm cup of vending machine coffee and a bag of mostly stale Doritos. Both items remained mostly untouched.

Finally, the doctor had come down to the waiting room to talk to Chris. He told him that he was confident he had gotten the bleeding under control, but that Andy would have to be monitored closely until he felt sure that he was stable enough to be transferred to the Psych Ward. He would then be kept under close watch for at least another 72 hours, and would have to undergo an evaluation by the Psychiatrist before he was approved for release. Chris could stay with Andy until then, but once he was moved, Chris would only be able to see his “brother” during visiting hours. The doctor asked Chris if he had any questions. Chris said he didn’t, and at last, he was allowed to see his partner. It was around 8:00 p.m. by then, and Shane, who had been home only once himself since Andy was brought in, bid his friend goodbye, and, leaving Chris in the care of the kind nursing staff, went home to get some badly needed rest of his own.

If there was luck of any kind to be found in the situation, it was that Andy had his room to himself. It was not meant to be a private room (such rooms came at a premium), but the semi-private room Andy had been placed in happened, at the moment, to be empty. Furnishings were spare, giving doctors room to maneuver quickly in the small room if necessary. There were two beds, two chairs, and a curtain down the middle of the room that separated them. The ward nurse very kindly placed a cot in Andy’s room, so Chris could comfortably spend the night, but he had chosen instead to keep vigil in the cramped and ratty armchair beside Andy’s bed. No amount of cajoling on the nurse’s part could persuade him otherwise.

Andy lay now in the bed farthest from the door, by the window, an IV stuck in his left arm, a bag of clear fluid hanging on the rack above him. For hours, Chris had camped by his side. Each time she came in to check on Andy, Melanie, the nurse on duty at the time, smiled sweetly at him, reassured him that all was well, that Andy was almost certainly out of danger, and that he should try to get some sleep. Chris, each time, thanked her politely but insisted on staying where he was. He was loath to think that Andy might wake and need him, only to find he was not right there, or worse that some set back would occur while he was sleeping. Finally, though, he had succumbed to a fitful doze, all the while believing himself to still be fully awake.

Now, still unable to determine what had startled him, he settled back in the chair once more, and still clutching Andy’s hand tightly, finally allowed himself to relax a little. A very few minutes more found him drifting off into a deeper, more restful sleep.

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Sun was flooding the sterile looking hospital room when Andy finally opened his eyes. It took him a few moments to remember what had happened and understand his surroundings. Then, in a rush, it all came back and the pain crashed down around him. ‘Chris.’ The thought caused a wrenching twist in his gut, and he looked over to see his partner sprawled at an awkward angle in the chair next to his bed. Sporadic flashes of memory from the last few days overtook him, and tears started to leak silently down his cheeks.

************************************************************************

Chris stirred sleepily, turned, and woke to find watery green eyes trained on him in silent distress. “Hey,” he sat up and smiled, “you’re awake!” He leaned over to caress Andy’s wet cheek. “It’s all right, my darling, it’s all right. You’re going to be ok, now.”

“I’m such a fuck up!” Andy choked, turning his face into the pillows. “I can’t even kill myself, right!”

“Hey! Don’t talk like that!” Chris dropped to his knees by the bed and placed his hand gently on the back of Andy’s head. “Andy, look at me!” he ordered. Andy rubbed his face in the pillow, but then turned reluctantly to face his partner. Chris clasped his face in his hands. “Don’t ever talk like that!” he repeated. “Not even jokingly. You must promise me that you’re never going to do anything like this ever again, ok?” Andy was quiet as he tried to gain control of the tears now coursing down his face. “Promise me, Andy!”

“Ok,” Andy sobbed at last. “I promise, I’ll try not to do it again.” ‘Didn’t Chris understand? Things just weren’t that simple.’

“I love you, Andy! Don’t you see that?” Chris persisted. “I need you, and want you with me. Nothing is ever going to change that. Do you understand? Nothing!” Andy saw it was useless to try and explain what he was feeling; Chris would never understand.

“Please don't tell my mother about this,” he pleaded tearfully, changing the subject as his mind fastened on his greatest concern. Chris didn't answer right away. “Chris, please. It'll only upset her, and I don't know if her health can handle it.”

Chris was silent for another moment, but he saw his opportunity to broach the subject foremost on his mind, and at last he took it. “Ok, Andy,” he said quietly. “I won't tell her, but there are conditions . . . .”

“What conditions?' Andy asked apprehensively.

“Well, if I don't tell your mom what's going on, then I need some other ways to assure myself that you're going to be ok, so we're going to have to make an agreement.”

“What kind of agreement?” Andy demanded guardedly.

“Well, first of all,” Chris began, “I am coming home with you for Christmas break.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Chris . . . .” Andy started. His family was well aware, and had been for more than a year, of his sexual preference, but being aware of it and being ok with it were two different things. His mom, he knew, really didn’t care. His coming out had not changed their relationship a bit, but it did make her worry more about him. Plus, even if he liked girls, he wasn’t sure how comfortable his mother would be having someone he’d been seeing for barely three months stay in the small two bedroom apartment with them. Then, of course, his sister would be home too for the holidays, and that was a set of complications he didn’t even want to think about. No, his brow puckered, he would love to have Chris stay with him over the break, but it just wasn’t going to work out.

“I will stay at a hotel or rent a room if needs be,” Chris interjected, reading his anxiety. “That is not at all a problem, but I'm coming.”

“What about your family?” Andy asked anxiously. “Don’t you want to be with them?”

“My family is spread all over creation, these days,” Chris assured. “We’re never all together for the holidays. I do usually try to visit Liz and her kids at some point, but they’ll be close enough that I can still do that. We’ll just see how things go. If it works out for me to see my sister at some point that would be great, but if not, she’ll understand,” he said in a tone that brooked no argument. Andy scowled. ‘Great, here we go,’ he thought. ‘Back in the land of the living for barely an hour, and already I’m ruining someone else’s holiday plans.’ But, he didn’t say anything. Arguing with Chris when he had his mind made up was like trying to argue with a mule. “Secondly,” Chris went on, pretending not to notice his partner’s obvious unhappiness, “from now on, if I am not with you, I want to know at all times where you are, no exceptions.” Andy received this news with no outward reaction. This was a demand he thought he could handle easily enough. “Third, you are going to see a therapist . . . ”

“Oh, no!” Andy objected vehemently. “No therapists! No! The last thing I need right now is more of their psycho babble bullshit!” Chris eyed his partner quizzically, and Andrew glared back at him. “I mean it, Chris. You can come home with me, but I’m not going to some quack doctor, just so he can tell me to get in touch with my feelings. I’m perfectly in touch with my feelings,” he sobbed. “Sometimes, I just can’t get away from them!”

Chris hesitated, thinking of the conversation he’d had with the doctor. He knew this was not going to be Andy‘s choice, but there had obviously been a bad experience of some kind, and now didn’t seem like the time to force the issue. He didn’t know how much therapy was going to be required to satisfy the hospital, but he hoped it would be a fairly significant amount. Perhaps it would be better to leave this particular issue in the hands of the doctors. “All right, Andy,” he said softly at last. “We’ll talk about this some more. We don’t have to decide right now, but they may make it a condition of your release, ” he warned gently. Andy bit hard on his lip, his eyes glistening. “ Lastly,” Chris hurried on, hoping his young partner would like this last condition a bit better than the previous three, “when the semester begins again, you are going to move in with me.”

“Don't you have a roommate?” Andy protested.

“Yes, but the condo where we live has been in my family for decades, and Douglas gets a real break on the rent. He can stay or go as he chooses, but there is plenty of room. The condo was built to accommodate all twelve people in my family, so three should be no problem, and this is a point that is nonnegotiable. You and I are going to work together to finish the paper for Mr. Bricard, but other than that you are taking the semester off until we find you a more suitable major.” Andy looked ready to protest again, but Chris held up his hand. “This will also give you the time you need right now to spend with your mom, and if you like, I will help you explain this decision to her. You're not a business man, Andy. You're an artist, and a damn good one. If you want to pursue schooling for some art related industry that will allow you to use your creative skills, I'm all for that, but you are not going to pursue a life that is destined to bring you nothing but misery; I won't allow it.”

“It’s not your decision, Chris,” Andy returned a little heatedly.

“Andy,” Chris responded evenly, “you just tried to kill yourself. Are you honestly going to tell me that you’re happy, and this major is really what you want?”

“No,” Andy replied petulantly, “but it’s important to my mother.”

“With all you’ve told me about your mom, Andy, I’m sure what’s most important to her is your happiness. There are ways to make a steady living that don’t involve a 9-5 desk job in some corporate office, somewhere. The courses are only going to get harder next semester and you are feeling overwhelmed as it is. You’re right. Ultimately, it’s not my decision, but I love you, Andy, and I want what’s best for you. I want to help you figure out whatever that is, and I know your mom will understand that. All she wants is to know that you are happy and well taken care of, don’t you think?” Andy was silent, feeling exhausted and all of a sudden overwhelmed. He didn’t know what he wanted, what was right, or what was wrong. He knew only that he couldn’t think about this anymore, right now. He pressed his cheek into the pillow again, and enjoyed the sensation of Chris’s fingers trailing through his unruly mop of brown hair. “Trust me, my love,” Chris pleaded softly as Andy’s eyes started to droop. “We don’t have to think about all of this right now. Just promise me, you’ll let me help you.”

‘Help,’ Andy thought as he began to drift away. ‘It was such a nice word; it brought so much relief. He’d been struggling for so long to handle everything on his own.’ He had closed his eyes now, unable to keep them open any longer, but he felt Chris’ warm hand encasing his own once more and he squeezed his partner’s fingers by way of assent to his plea. ‘Yes, he wanted help, he would be very grateful and happy if Chris would help him.’ He felt the warmth of Chris’s lips on his fingertips and knew his partner had understood. He was no longer alone. He had someone on his side, now, someone who would help him make difficult decisions, face his mom’s illness, his sister’s callous disregard, school, and the unkind world that awaited him afterwards. He was safe, he thought for the first time in a long time. With that thought the ever present knot of fear and anxiety he had carried in his stomach for as long as he could remember finally started to unravel, and as it did, Andy slipped away into a mercifully dreamless sleep, the best he had had in months.

By his bed, still standing guard, determined to ward off demons both real and imagined was the young man who loved him. Chris pressed his lips to Andy’s fingers once more as Andy drifted away, and tears welled in his eyes. He looked at the tousled hair and peaceful expression on his partner’s face and knew a love stronger in that moment than any he had ever previously experienced. This was his life, he realized, his purpose, his reason for being. He would help restore the bloom to those sallow cheeks and the sparkle to those deadened eyes. He would learn to understand the complex inner workings of this angel he had come upon, and he, in his turn, would be saved from the monotonous routine he’d come to expect from life. ‘Divine intervention at its best,’ Chris thought with a small smile. For it was obvious to him that there could be no pairing more appropriate nor two people who needed one another more than he and Andy needed one another at this moment in their lives. ‘It’s funny how things work out,’ he mused, caressing Andy’s hand as he watched him sleep. ‘It was almost enough to make one believe that everything was all perhaps just part of a greater plan.’

“How’s he doing?” The soft whisper reached Chris’ ears and he turned his head to see William, the nurse who had relieved Melanie, standing in the doorway. William had been on duty when Andy was first brought in and Melanie had relieved him an hour or so later. Both had taken a shine to the frantic young man claiming to be Andy’s brother. William smiled at him, now, and Chris acknowledged him with another small smile of his own.

“He seems to be doing ok,” Chris responded gratefully.

“Good,” William replied, “how about you? How are you holding up?” Chris shrugged, overcome all at once by exhaustion. “Think you could get some rest now?” William questioned gently. Melanie had informed him of Chris’ all night vigil. Chris nodded, and with one more kiss to Andy’s hand, stiffly rose from his knees to his feet. He made his way to the cot as William moved into the room to check Andy’s vitals and his I.V. bag. Chris laid down and pulled the thin white hospital blanket Melanie had left over him. He hugged the pillow and watched as William ministered to Andy, but the nurse hadn’t even made it around the bed to check the I.V. before he was fast asleep.

William smiled as he finished his work. Rarely had he witnessed a sibling who displayed the level of ardor and devotion Chris had. William was good friends with Melanie and they had discussed this anomaly in warm undertones as she came on shift. ‘Andy sure is lucky,’ William thought, looking back one more time at Chris before he closed the door, ‘to have a “brother” who loves him the way Chris does.’ He smiled again as he closed the door. ‘Now, if only I could find such a “brother” for myself,’ he mused wistfully as he walked down the hall to check on his next patient, ‘then the world would indeed be a perfect place.’