The day of March 8, 1987 was cheerful and sunny just as a Spring day should be, and yet as the six of us walked down the road toward home, I looked at my two brothers and had the distinct feeling that their mood did not match that of the atmosphere. I knew that they had something they wanted to tell me, and I was dying of curiosity.

After a few more minutes of walking, Dan turned to Carrie, Dennis and Toby, "Hey guys, could Alex and I talk to Jessica alone, for a minute?" Dennis and Toby nodded and immediately turned into the small field along the road. Carrie looked at me for reassurance. I nodded and she followed.

When they were way out in the field, almost out of sight, Dan and Alex each handed me a folded piece of paper which they had withdrawn from their pockets. I opened the one Dan had given me first and read it slowly. I then looked at Alex's, but I didn't read it. I didn't need to; they both said the same thing.

I slowly folded the notes again and looked up to peer quietly into my brothers' faces. "We have to get them signed," said Dan, avoiding my eyes.

"Why?" I asked. "What happened? Pranks, I can understand, but fighting! Both of you?" I'd been wondering where Dan had picked up the cut on his lip and how Alex had bruised his cheek.

Dan shrugged,"We got tired of watching the bullies pick on the little kids." I looked at Alex. He offered no further explanation, so I assumed it was the same.

"I don't suppose this has anything to do with Toby and Dennis?" My youngest brothers had been having difficulties with some of the older kids on our road. They would wait around for the elementary school to let out and harass the younger kids as they walked home. The problem had gotten really out of hand. Twice, Dennis and Toby had been jumped and had lunch money taken from them. So, Alex, Dan and I had gotten in the habit of waiting the extra half hour around the highschool, until the elementary school (right across the road) let out, so we could walk home with our younger siblings. Often our cousins and my friend, Kelly Patterson, walked with us too, but today they had been detained by a variety of after school activities.

The problem had mostly been solved, as the majority of the bullies were intimidated by my oldest brother and cousin, but there were one or two who persisted even now. Twice, Dan had forcibly threatened them, and I knew that he and Alex were both losing their patience. I had not known, however, just how close they were to losing it completely. Now, as I asked my question, the boys who had both continued to evade my eyes, finally looked at me.

"Please don't tell them. They don't know about this. It would have happened sooner or later anyway. We don't want them feeling responsible."

"Well, they're gonna find out when Papa reads these notes," I said. They looked pleadingly at me. "Oh, all right," I said, "but you can't let it happen again!" Dan and Alex smiled gratefully as I took a pen out of my purse, and Alex bent down so I could lean on his back.

I'd signed notes for them before, but our parents would be furious if they found out Dan and Alex had been in a fight and they didn't hear about it. I,consequently, felt unusually nervous about signing these. Then I thought about the sound thrashing I was saving my two brothers from, and I was much appeased.

When we entered the house Mamma greeted us hardily without questions and we knew Carrie and the twins had covered for us. They were standing by the steps in the hall and as I started toward my room, I caught their worried eyes. I smiled, trying to reassure myself as much as them. They smiled back, but their concern was still apparent. Had I done the right thing by forging my mother's signature? As I continued up the stairs, I had the sinking feeling that I had only made things worse.

A week had passed and my nerves were just beginning to settle. It was period 5c, time for lunch and almost the end of school. There were only two more periods to go. I walked into the cafeteria and got into the lunch line. I was jabbering happily away with my friends, and having a perfectly wonderful time, and then it happened.

"Hey, Jess," Kelly pointed, "isn't that Dan?" I turned to glance around the whole cafeteria. "No, no. In the hallway." I turned just in time to see Dan's fist make contact with Jerry Bower's jaw. I tore out of line, bumping into someone and almost making her drop her tray. Kelly was right behind me.

The two boys were soon engaged in full fledged combat, rolling around on the floor, clutched in an embrace that was anything but friendly. I reached down and grabbed Dan's arms and Kelly helped me separate them. Dan was still struggling as I pulled him away from Jerry, and I hooked my arms through his. Kelly was restraining Jerry, also still fighting, as best as she could.

"Dan, that's enough," I said gently but firmly. "Do you want Mr. Brown to see you?" Dan's struggles began to subside, but then Jerry broke loose and started taunting him.

"Come on you pussy! Are you going to let a sissy little girl stop you from fighting? You chicken!" He was dancing around and lunging with his fists, making chicken noises and calling Dan a coward.

I could feel the heat rising in my brother, and I lowered my voice so that only he could hear, but I put great emphasis on each word I spoke, "Do you want Papa to whip you!?" I asked. His face flushed, but he controlled the impulse to swing.

My younger brother, who had been observing the whole scene without our knowledge was, on the other hand, incensed. "Hey Bower, you Pussy Ass! Don't you have something better to do than pick fights with people who can wipe the parking lot with your pathetic face? I heard you were wanking off in the boys' locker room the other day. That's got to be more fun!"

"Shit, Alex!" I exclaimed, horrified as Jerry forgot Dan and turned his attention to our younger brother.

"What did you say, creampuff? Would you care to repeat it now that you have my full attention?" Jerry's face was tight with anger as he moved toward Alex.

"Jerry, let it go!" Kelly stepped in front of him. Jerry stopped, but kept his eyes on Alex.

"Go on you pansy! I dare you to say it again!"

"What? That you wank off in the locker room? I only know what I hear Jerry!"

"Jerry, he is just a kid! Let it go!" Kelly tried to block his path, but he pushed her roughly aside, covering the space between himself and Alex in two strides. He collared my brother and held him up, pressing his face directly into his.

"You think you're such hot shit! Don't you?! You snotty nosed little brat!"

"Hey, that's my brother, Fuckhead!"

"Yeah, so?" Jerry retorted, without turning his head.

"So! Put him down. Your problem is with me!"

"Is that right? Well, little brother decided he wanted to be first." With that Jerry shoved Alex against a locker and let his fist fly. He had popped Alex once in the face and once in the groin before Dan managed to reach him. Once involved it took Dan half a second to haul Jerry off Alex and send him reeling with a well-aimed fist to the jaw. Jerry retaliated by driving his fist into Dan's stomach and knocking the wind out of him.

"Dan!" I screamed, finally finding my voice as I saw my older brother double over in pain. Alex, now recovered, jumped on Jerry in a renewed state of fury, clinging to his back and digging his fingers into his eyes. "Alex! Shit . . . !" I exclaimed as Jerry started to spin and then threw himself against the lockers in an attempt to dislodge Alex. When Dan recovered, he didn't waste any time getting back into the fight, and it wasn't long before the three boys hit the floor with my brothers on top. By this time a large group had gathered around us, composed mostly of Alex and Dan's friends, some of my girlfriends and the random jerks who thought fights were created purely for their entertainment. These were the idiots who were now chanting as loud as possible, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" As if we all couldn't see what was going on. Among them were Jerry's fellow bullies. As the crowd around us grew and the noise level increased I knew it would not be long before someone came out to break it up and then, well I didn't want to think about it. I pushed my way through the crowd, hoping to break things up before anyone in authority took it entirely out of my hands. Kelly followed me faithfully, but my heart sank as I saw Mr. Brown, the vice principal, pushing his way through from the other side.

It took a minute, but the three of us together finally succeeded in untangling the three boys. I pulled my older brother, still struggling, out of the fight first. Then Kelly succeeded in pulling Alex out and restraining him, and the vice principal got hold of Jerry, keeping him neatly under hand. The circle of kids, deciding the fun was most likely over began to dissipate, leaving only some of the boys' closest friends and mine, and finally the boys began to calm down. I began to sob as I let go of Dan and I put my face in my hands. Dan turned and took me into his arms. Blood was running from his nose and his mouth was more swollen than it had been before. These were things we could not hide, even if Mr. Brown did not call my parents. "I'm sorry, Jess," he said quietly as I sobbed on his shoulder, "I'm sorry."

"Dear God, Alex! Look at you! What were you thinking?" I heard Kelly scold and I looked over to see that my younger brother's left cheek was already developing a nasty bruise. She had him by the shoulders and was peering into his face while he blinked back tears and made as many desperate apologies as Dan was making to me. We all knew the boys risked suspension and if that happened my parents would be beside themselves.

"Jeremy, Daniel, Alexander! In my office! Right now!"Mr. B. ordered.

"Mr. Brown," I spoke up tearfully, still clutching Dan around the neck.

"Yes, Miss Kane. What is it?"

"Please, can I come too?"

I saw him about to say no, but his face softened as he looked at me. "Yes, all right. If it's ok with Dan and Alex, it's ok with me."

"Thank you," I said timidly, knowing it would be ok with my brothers even before the two confirmed it.

"All right, but everyone else go back to class. The show is over. Boys, let's go."

"Let me know what happens," Kelly whispered as our other remaining friends began to leave us with some last backward glances of sympathy. I had known Kelly all my life. She lived right down the road from us and I was in the habit of telling her everything. Now, she was the only one of my friends who knew that I could potentially face consequences as well as my two impetuous brothers and she was also the only one who knew the extent of my father's temper. "Hang in there, guys," her scolding tone changed to one of encouragement as she gave Alex a squeeze and then caught Dan's hand as she passed us.

"Thanks, Kell." Dan tried to smile, but the reality of the situation had finally caught up with him and I could tell he was scared. When we got to the office, Mr. Brown told us to have a seat. Then, sitting down behind his desk, he folded his hands and gazed silently for a moment at Dan, Alex and Jerry.

"Well boys, do you want to tell me what this was all about?" He looked at them each in turn, but they were all silent. "Well, I've been racking my brain for another solution, but the three of you aren't leaving me too many choices." He paused and I bit my lip, knowing what was coming. "I'm going to suspend all three of you for a week. I cannot have that kind of nonsense going on in the halls."

"Mr. Brown, please! You don't know my father. They'll be in so much trouble! Please . . . ," Dan and Alex looked at the ground, "isn't there anything else you can do?"

"I'm sorry, Jessica. If you have suggestions, I'm certainly listening." I was quiet and tears started to roll silently down my face again. Alex got up from his chair, came around the back of mine and put his hands on my shoulders. The gentle gesture caused me to cry harder and I could not look at either of my brothers.

"Go ahead! Suspend us!" Jerry smirked. "Apparently those two jerks will finally get what they deserve. My parents, on the other hand, don't give a shit whether I'm suspended or on the honor roll. It's all the same to them."

"Hey, watch your mouth! You know Jerry, I'm really tired of dealing with your crap! And since you're so sure that your parents won't care, let's just call them first!" During the brief telephone conversation, it became apparent to the three of us that Jerry's parents "cared" a lot more than he had bargained on. By the end of the conversation, I had the distinct feeling that Dan, Alex and I would not be the only ones in big trouble tonight.

Dan, who had been sitting on the other side of the room from me and Alex, now came to sit where Alex had been sitting beside me, as Mr. Brown picked up the phone to call our parents. He held the phone to his ear and dialed. Then he sat there for almost a minute, letting it ring, and the three of us held our breath. Mr. Brown was about to hang up. The receiver was almost on the hook. Then we heard our mother's sweet, breathless voice as she answered the phone and our hopes fell. "Hello?" Mr. Brown brought the receiver back up to his ear and we heard no more of my mother's side. We tensed as Mr. Brown neared the end of the conversation.

"I'm very sorry, Mrs. Kane. I like your boys very much, but after the second time I just can't make allowances." Dan closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. I couldn't see the expression on Alex's face, but I felt his hands tense and I knew, as Mr. Brown slowly turned to look at us, that if he had not immediately guessed what had happened Dan and Alex would give it away. "You didn't know they had been in a fight before?" His eyes were on me now, his face a blank. "Well, ma'm, I'm sorry to have to tell you then that the entire older half of your whole brood has somehow managed to get themselves into trouble, because someone signed your name on the notes we sent home with Dan and Alex and it's pretty obvious who it was." Pause. "Yes, I know. I understand why she did it too, but I know you understand that I can't simply dismiss it." Pause. "Ok. I'll send her home with Dan and Alex today. She may return tomorrow, but will have to serve a detention after school both tomorrow and the next day. Dan and Alex may not come back until a week from tomorrow. I'm very sorry, Mrs. Kane. Hopefully, this won't happen again." Pause. "Ok, m.m. hmm, give my best to your husband, yes, goodby."

"What did our mother say?" asked Dan.

"Well, she said she was sorry that you caused a disruption in the school and she quite understood why I could make no exceptions. She asked me to make sure Jess knew that she understands why she signed the notes, but that it was still an act worthy of punishment. . .," Dan reached for my hand and squeezed it as Alex tightened his grip on my shoulders, protectively."

"I don't care!" I forced back tears, determined not to cry anymore. "What's going to happen to Dan and Alex?" I did not speak very loudly because I did not trust my voice to remain steady.

"Well . . . she said that she and your father would deal with the whole situation tonight." He avoided looking directly at any of us and I knew that was not what my mother had said. With a sinking feeling, I knew that she had been much angrier and much more specific. Silently, Alex, Dan and I got up to go. The three of us went to our lockers to get our things and I left a quick note for Kelly, asking her to let our cousins know what had happened so they would be sure to walk home with Carrie and the twins. Matt, Nate and Sam did not react well, and Kelly told me later how it all played out.

She found them waiting for us in the back of the school as usual when classes had let out for the day. Matt was smoking a cigarette. "You better not get caught with those things, Man," my oldest cousin, Nathan, cautioned him. "You know Dad will eat you alive."

"All right, all right," Matt grumbled, letting the cigarette fall to the ground and crushing it out with his foot. "It's just so hard to stop."

"Nate's right you know," Kelly came up behind them, making all my cousins jump.

"Jesus, Kell! You scared the crap out of me!" Matt admonished.

"Sorry," Kelly replied, "but really Matt! Do be careful! Jessica would have a heart attack if she knew you were smoking."

"That's what I keep telling him," my cousin, Samantha responded. Matt looked at the ground guiltily.

"So where are the three stooges?" Nate inquired in order to change the subject. Kelly looked uncomfortable, and my cousins became immediately concerned.

"Kell?" Nate encouraged, "What's going on?"

"I don't really know how to tell you guys this . . . ."

"What?" Sam responded with growing concern.

"Just say it," Matt interjected irritably.

"Well, Dan and Alex were suspended for fighting today . . . ."

"What!? Who were they fighting with?" Matt demanded.

"Jerry Bower," Kelly replied.

"Shit!" Nate exclaimed softly.

"Well, where is Jess?" Sam asked worridly. "Is she ok?"

"Well umm. . . .actually no, not really," Kelly hedged. Nate's brow furrowed and Matt looked at Kelly, his concern deepening.

"She sort of got sent home with Alex and Dan."

"What?! Why?" Sam asked.

"Well . . . because," Kelly started, keeping her eyes on Matt and Nathan, " . . .because she signed the notes that were sent home with Dan and Alex the first time they were in a fight, about two weeks ago."

"Jesus Christ!" Matt exclaimed. "Why didn't they tell us? None of them ever said a word!"

"Maybe they didn't want you involved," Kelly responded gently.

"Well, why the hell not?" Matt demanded.

"Well, I mean come on guys. You know how intolerant your father and uncle both are," she reddened. My father and uncle's methods of discipline had always made her uncomfortable, and she avoided the topic whenever possible. "I'm sure Dan and Alex knew you'd want to be included if they went after Toby and Dennis' attackers. They probably didn't want you involved . . ."

"Damb it, Kelly! We are involved. We're family!"

"I know that Nate. I know that's how you feel. All I'm saying is, it's likely that Dan and Alex understood the risk they were taking, and with that in mind maybe they didn't want to put you in the middle! Jess didn't know anything about the first fight either until Alex and Dan showed her the notes."

"Well, they could have at least filled us in then," Matt responded sourly.

"Well, you know Jess," Kelly returned quietly. "I'm sure she didn't want you to worry." Matt put his hand to his eyes and turned away. Sam and Nate remained quiet.

Just then, some of Jerry's companions came around the corner of the building and paused upon seeing Kelly and our cousins. Wes Reed, the second biggest bully in the school after Jerry, looked at his fellow bullies and smirked. "Well, well, look who we have here. If it isn't the Kane Gang. Lookin' a little sad today aren't we?"

"Dry up, Wes!" Nate responded.

"Ooh, a response from their fearless leader! Where are your cousins, Nathan? I heard they created quite a scene in the hallway today," he grinned again at his companions. "Little Jessica seemed pretty broken up . . ."

"Shut up! You Asshole!" Matt rushed for him, but Nate stepped in and caught him, pushing him back. Wes and his friends were laughing.

"Don't go making it worse," Nate cautioned his brother in a low voice. Then he looked around over his shoulder. "Clear out!" he instructed Wes and company. They were still laughing at Matt's attempted onslaught.

"Are you threatening us?" Wes stopped laughing and addressed my oldest cousin.

"I am giving you a chance," Nate responded, "and if I were you I'd take it."

"And if we don't?" Wes persisted.

"Then, I am going to let my kid brother go, and believe me, in this state, he'd make short work of all of you. In the case of any difficulties, however, I'd be more than happy to give him a hand!"

"That sounded like a threat to me!" Wes returned.

"You take it however you want, Wes! Just take your ragtag band of no goods and beat it!"

"Oh now, you're going to insult us! Come on guys, they can't talk to us like that! Let's get ‘em!" Nate turned around to be ready if they got rushed, but he kept a hand on Matt's arm, still holding him back. Wes' companions hesitated. "Come on guys! It's just the two of them! Without the other two, we can take them!" His buddies still seemed uncertain.

"It ain't worth it, Man!"Carl Fisher finally spoke up, "I don't want to get suspended." Wes looked at Bobbie Martin, his other sidekick.

"Carl's right, Man! It ain't worth it! Come on, Let's just go."

"You guys lucked out!" Wes looked back at my cousins. "If it were up to me, we'd be wiping the ground with your asses right about now!"

"Anytime, Man! Anytime!" Matt attempted once more to get free from the vice grip Nathan had on him, but it was a futile fight and sourly my younger cousin watched Wes and his gang stalk off in search of new victims. The elementary school was just beginning to let out across the road. Finally, when they were out of sight, Nathan let Matt go and turned on him.

"You have got to calm down! The last thing Jess needs is for you to go and get yourself in trouble too!"

"Sorry!" Matt was rubbing his arm where Nate had gripped him. "They're just such assholes! They get me so mad!"

"Yeah, well look where that got Dan and Alex! Use your head, Man! Don't let those guys get to you." Matt looked at the ground, thoroughly chastened by Nate's rebuke and Sam came up and put her arm around him.

"Jess would at least appreciate the sentiment, Matty, and I'm sure Dan and Alex would be grateful."

"Don't encourage him, Sam!" Nate responded irritably.

"Well, you don't have to be so hard on him all the time!" Sam gave her younger brother another squeeze and Matt smiled weakly at her.

"I'm not as hard on him as Dad would be," Nate reminded her. Sam was silent, but she kept her arm around Matt.

"Hey guys, where are Dan, Alex and Jess?" Carrie and the twins appeared out of nowhere, taking Kelly who had remained silent through all this and my cousins off guard. The four exchanged glances.

"They already went home," Nate finally returned.

"Why is something wrong?" Carrie asked worridly. "Are they sick?"

"No, they're not sick, Sweetie," Sam replied.

"Well what then?" Toby persisted.

"I don't think we're really the right ones to tell you," Nate said after a minute.

"They're ok aren't they?" Carrie started to become really agitated.

"Yes, they're ok," Sam responded tentatively.

"For now," Matt interjected bitterly.

"Come on, let's just get you guys home," Nate rejoined. That was all my cousins would say as they started down the road with my worried younger siblings in tow.

I finished my note to Kelly as quickly as I could and then I grabbed my books and my bag and headed for the main doors of the school. Dan and Alex were already waiting for me, and we slipped quietly out and started home.

It was the longest walk I ever took. We were in no hurry to face our mother and we weren't very chatty, not really knowing what to say to console one another. I knew Dan and Alex felt guilty and I couldn't stop kicking myself. I should have insisted that my brothers give those notes directly to our father and let them deal with whatever punishment he dished out. Then that would have been the end of it. Instead, I had signed them and now things were worse, for all of us.

When we entered the house, our mother was bustling around the kitchen, beginning to prepare dinner. She didn't even look at us and we could tell that she was furious. "Go up to your rooms and stay there until your father comes home! And I want Jessica in her room and Dan and Alex in theirs, in fact, I think I want Alex to go to Toby and Dennis' room, so you can all think in peace about the disturbance you've caused." The three of us stood there without moving, silently numb to our mother's wishes. Then she looked at us for the first time and her face got dark with anger. "I told you three to go upstairs and I meant it! Now Go!" she yelled. I ran from the kitchen and up the stairs to my room,throwing myself on my bed and sobbing into my pillow. I heard the door next to me and the one across the hall slam as my brothers followed me and my tears came faster. Our mother practically never raised her voice to us. Papa was going to be double mad if mama was as angry as this. When, I finally calmed down, I turned on my back and stared up at the ceiling, feeling very sorry for myself and for Dan and Alex.

I had left my door open,so I could hear when Carrie, Dennis and Toby got home and when Papa got home. I did not have long to wait for Carrie and the twins. As they came noisily in the door, I heard Mama greeting them in a halfhearted sort of way, and then they were immediately quiet. Mama was almost always cheerful and happy. "Where are Dan, Alex and Jess? Why'd they go home early?" This was from a very worried sounding Carrie.

"They're upstairs . . .," there was a pause, and I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. "Carrie, you may not go up there. The three of you can put your things in the hall for now. Alex is in Dennis and Toby's room, so I don't want you guys up there either." The footsteps stopped and then came again, but instead of getting closer they got farther away.

"Why can't I go to my room?" asked Carrie.

"Because Dan, Alex and Jessica are being punished and I do not want them to have any company," said Mama. "Dan and Alex were suspended for fighting, today . . . " I could almost picture the twins' faces.

"So. What's Jess got to do with it?" asked Carrie.

"Your sister forged my signature on the notes sent home with your brothers the first time they got in a fight."

"Oh my God!" wailed Carrie. "Mamma, you know how she is about Dan and Alex. It's not fair . . . !"

"Carrie! I do not want to hear it!" my mother warned.

"But, it's not her fault!" My sister's tone was obstinate and I began to be afraid that she'd step too far. I jumped off my bed and raced out of my room to the top of the stairs.

"Carrie, don't get yourself in trouble!"

"Why, Jess? Why'd you do it?"

"Go back to your room!" yelled Mama.

"You know why, Carrie!"

"But you know how Papa is!"she screamed and stamped her foot. "How could you take such a risk?"

"I don't know!" my voice shook and tears streamed down my face. "I wouldn't have done it if I thought it would turn out like this, but I'd do it again if it was best for Dan and Alex. Please try to understand, Carrie."

She looked exasperated, "But now you are all going to be in so much trouble!" She started to cry too and Dennis put his arm around her.

I heard the bedroom doors open and a second later Dan and Alex appeared on either side of me. The twins stared reproachfully up at them, but there was visible worry in their young eyes. Dan held out his arm to me, and I buried my face in his chest.

"Go back to your rooms!" Mama ordered once more. We ignored her. "Go back to your rooms this instant, or I will get one of your father's belts and come after the three of you myself!" That made us scatter, with no desire to meet with more punishment than was necessary. Dan gave me a final squeeze before we parted and as I entered my room I could hear Carrie still crying at the bottom of the stairs while the twins attempted to comfort her.

The hour that was left before my father got home passed too quickly. He came in cheerfully, but did not remain cheerful for long. I heard mumbling from below and knew that Mama was filling him in. A moment later, my mom called up, "Dan, Alex come down here, please. Your father would like to talk to you." I went to my doorway and Dan and Alex looked at me as they emerged from their rooms. Alex gave me a half smile and Dan grabbed my hand and squeezed it as he passed. I went to the corner of the stairway and knelt down, peering through the railing as my brothers went slowly downstairs to face my father. He was standing in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs.

He looked sternly at them and started to unbutton his cuffs. "I hear you boys were in a fight today. Is that right?" The boys nodded. "What? I didn't hear you." My father continued rolling up his sleeves and his eyes never left the boys. "I said is that right?"

"Yes," my brothers managed as they looked at the ground.

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, sir."

"And you got suspended?"

"Yes." Dan found his voice and I could hear the defiance that crept into his tone. My father heard it too and looked hard at Dan.

"Watch your tone, mister! And look at me when I'm talking to you. Yes . . .?"

"Yes, sir." Dan looked right at my father now and the venom in his voice made me cringe.

"I see," my father continued, "do you want to tell me what it was about?" He was setting them up and they knew it, so they remained silent, and after a minute my father went on. "Well, I'm glad to see that you're not offering any excuses." He waited for a moment more while he finished rolling up his sleeves and then he said, "All right, I want you both to go to your room, and wait for me."

"Is it going to be pants down?" Alex asked timidly. His voice was so low, I was surprised I heard him, even in the deafening silence that filled the house.

"You're damb straight, it is!" The boys stood there for another moment and my father repeated firmly, "Go on!" They turned and started up the stairs and my father headed down the hallway to the closet where he kept his belts. I stood up as the boys got to the top of the stairs, and my heart lurched as I looked at their white faces. As they passed me, Dan caught my hand again, briefly in his own, and I squeezed it. Neither of the boys stopped though. It was best not to mess with my Dad when he was on the war path. They disappeared into their room and closed the door.

A moment later my father came back down the hallway carrying the belt, looped and ready to use in his right hand. He passed Carrie and the twins who had been silently observing from the doorway of the parlor and started up the stairs. Carrie began to cry again. My father paused at the top of the stairs as he saw me, but then continued on without saying anything. "Daddy . . ." I made a feeble attempt to stop him, grabbing for his hand. He shook me off.

"Don't start with me, Jessica! I am not very happy with any of you right now, so don't try my patience."

"Daddy, please!" I sobbed, moving in front of the door to the boys' room.

"Jessica, get out of the way!"

"Oww! Daddy, Oww! Oww!" He smacked me six times and then let me go and I turned to face him, sobbing and rubbing my bottom.

"You better learn to mind me, girl! Or you'll get more of the same!"

"Yes, sir," I choked, and I pressed my face into my pillow as he slammed the door. I knew he meant it too. He had done just that in the past. I lay there, swallowing hard, my hot tears wetting the pillow. I didn't dare to breathe as I heard my father enter Dan and Alex's room. He didn't waste much time on a lecture and it wasn't long before I heard the dull smack of the leather as it made contact with my brothers' bare skin and shortly after that, I heard them both crying. The belt struck them over and over. It sounded like my dad was going from one to the other. I felt so helpless.

I was concentrating so hard on the sounds from the other room that I didn't hear my door open or close as Carrie quietly entered. I didn't know she was there until I felt her small hand gently stroking my hair and shoulders. I looked at her minute body kneeling by my bed and realized how awful this kind of scene must be for her and the twins. I knew she had heard Alex and Dan punished before; the walls were so thin, but I was usually with them, either because I was trying to defend them or because I was sharing in their punishment. I had consequently never really thought about how it affected her. She was crying too and having her there was a comfort as my father continued to whip our brothers. Finally, I sat up against the wall and held out my arms to her. She climbed onto the bed next to me and buried her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and she began to sob.

It seemed like an eternity before my dad finally left Dan and Alex's room, telling them on the way out that they had an hour before dinner to pull themselves together, and that he expected them to come down. Carrie stayed the whole time. I wanted to go to them immediately, but I just didn't know what I would say, and I thought maybe they'd rather be alone. Carrie was a consideration too. She had just started to calm down and I was worried about her. So, being unsure whether the boys would want me there, and knowing that Carrie did, I stayed with her. I stroked her hair and unstuck the clumps from her wet, freckled face. Eventually, she stopped crying and after another minute or so, she lifted her face to look at me. Almost a half hour had passed since my dad had gone downstairs. "Aren't you going to go talk to them?" she asked softly.

"I don't know, Carrie," I sighed. "I'm not sure that they want me, or anyone around right now."

"You're kidding right?" Carrie responded. "Jess, you are the only one who can get close to them when stuff like this happens, and they must need somebody, even if they don't know it." My eyes filled with tears again and I hugged her as I thought about what she said. Just then, there was a light knock at the door.

"Yes?" I thought it would be Mama, or the twins coming to check on Carrie, but when the door opened it was Alex who stepped timidly inside and a minute later Dan followed him. They had both changed from jeans to loose fitting khaki shorts and it touched me to see that they had both pulled baseball caps low over their eyes to try and hide the fact that they'd been crying.

Carrie looked at them shyly and then whispered loudly to me, "You see? I told you." She then got up from the bed and headed for the door. Dan and Alex followed her with their eyes, and she gave them a timid little smile as she left.

"Told you what?" inquired Dan looking back at me.

"Nothing," I bit my lip to keep from smiling. "Guys," I cautioned, in an effort to change the subject, "those caps don't work and Dad will have a stroke if you wear them down to supper."

"What do you mean work? Maybe we just wanted to wear them," Dan retorted. I raised my eyebrows at him and he shrugged, but after a minute he took the cap and threw it on my desk. As he did so, the red, swollen rims of his eyes became much more apparent and I felt stunned, faced with telltale evidence that showed how hard he had been crying. "You see, it was working," he accused in reaction to my expression. "What did Carrie tell you?" His defensive tone and the way he as making an issue out of everything told me that something was up, but I wasn't quite sure what it was yet.

"Nothing," I insisted. "It was really nothing. Just girl talk."

"Since when do you and Carrie engage in girl talk?" Dan responded disdainfully.

"Since we were both forced to listen to Dad beating the shit out of the two of you!" I returned hotly. That shut Dan up and started Alex's tears. "What is going on, guys?"

"Jess, are you mad at us?"

"What?!" The question came from my younger brother, but I looked at Dan for clarification. He gave me none. "Come on guys. Give me a clue. Where is this coming from?" They were silent and tears continued to slide down Alex's face.

"Alex thinks," Dan finally scoffed, "that you might be mad at us for getting you in trouble."

"Alex, why on earth would you think that?" My little brother shrugged and looked away. "Tell me."

He looked back at me and really started to cry. "We know," he started in broken words, "that Papa whipped you for getting in the way earlier."

"What?" I exclaimed again. I looked back at my older brother, but he looked away and I could tell that he was struggling not to cry too. "Why, would you guys even be thinking about that after what you've been through?" I asked. "Alex, come here." I patted the bed and he walked over, sitting carefully down beside me. I could see how sore he was. I took off the cap and looked directly into his brimming green eyes. "You are not making any sense," I said gently. "Tell me what's really going on. Why did you think I would be mad at you?"

"I don't know," he sobbed, and then it all came out in one big breath. "We thought you'd be in right after Dad left, and then you weren't and we just feel so guilty for asking you to sign those notes. . .," at this point Dan began to cry again too, and I looked over at him, " . . .and Dad told us that we had more to talk about at dinner tonight, and we're so afraid that it's going to be that and we just thought when you didn't come in after he left that you might think it was that too, and you might be mad."

"I'd sure be mad," Dan choked bitterly. "I'd want to kill us."

"Well, I'm not mad," I said.

"Are you sure?" Alex asked. "Because you definitely have the right to be."

"Oh, Alex," I hugged him, "of course, I'm sure, and you both ought to know better." I kept my arm around Alex and beckoned to my older brother who immediately dropped to the floor by my side and placed his face in my lap, finally letting go. "My God, you guys! I can't believe you. When was the last time I was mad, like really mad at you? I can't even be mad when I have a reason to be," I was still holding onto Alex and I began to stroke Dan's hair as he continued to cry, "and I definitely don't have a reason to be. It was my choice to sign those notes, and if that's what Dad wants to talk about at dinner, and it probably is, then we'll deal with it. I mean I feel guilty for signing them because I think you guys are in more trouble than you otherwise might have been, but what's done is done. I didn't come in right away because I wasn't sure you'd want company. I didn't really know what to say, and Carrie was pretty upset by the whole thing, so I felt like I should make sure she was ok."

"You're sure that's it?" Alex asked again.

"Yes, I'm sure that's it, " I replied soothingly. "And," I grinned slightly, poking my older brother, "all that Carrie, Miss Insightful, had to say, was that I should go and talk to you guys because she was sure that you would want to talk."

Dan half laughed between his sobs, "Is that really what she said?"

"Yes," I grinned affectionately at him as he looked up at me through dwindling tears, "I promise that we weren't conspiring against you."

"I guess I did sound a little paranoid," Dan responded sheepishly and I touched my hand to his face, brushing away the remaining tears and stroking his wet cheek. I held his eyes for a long moment, and then Mama was calling us to dinner.

Time had gotten away from us, and the boys were not prepared to face everyone else just yet, so I told them I would pave the way if they wanted to wash up quickly. They, consequently, headed for the bathroom while I went downstairs. Everyone else was already at dinner even when I got there. My mother must have already allowed us an extra minute or two before she called us. My father narrowed his eyes. "Where are your brothers?" he asked sharply.

"They're coming," I said as neutrally as possible, as I took my seat across from Carrie. She looked uncomfortable, and I smiled reassuringly at her as Dan and Alex appeared. They were wearing their caps, against my advice, and my father frowned as they sat down next to Carrie.

"You know the rule about hats at the dinner table," my father snapped. It was clear he was prepared to make an issue of it so I hoped that my brothers would just take them off. No such luck. "Are you boys trying to piss me off? Take them off, at once!"

"Fine!" returned Dan obnoxiously, and my father's lip curled as first Dan removed his hat and hung it on the back of his chair and then Alex tentatively followed suit. Carrie and the twins stared at them the same way I had and they looked uncomfortably down at the table.

"The two of you had better watch your step. You hear me?!"

"Yes, sir," my two brothers replied.

"All right, then. Let's eat!" My father picked up his fork and stabbed at his food, but he and Mama were the only ones eating. Alex and Dan looked at me, miserably and I tried to smile my encouragement, but couldn't. Carrie and the twins just looked at the table. "Come on," my father said, "let's not let this good meal of your mother's go to waste." Toby, Dennis and Carrie picked up their forks and started to pick at their food, mostly in an attempt to appease my father. "I meant everyone!" He clipped as he looked up again and saw that Dan, Alex and I were still not eating. The tone warned us not to push, and we picked up our forks as my father glared at us each in turn. We pushed our food around for awhile and then finally we began eating. We were quietly trying to force down some dinner when the final boom was landed.

"I suppose, the three of you are wondering," my father started, "why I have not yet mentioned the first fight, or the notes that Jessica forged your mother's signature on." We were silent and he went on, "Well, I have been giving the matter some long, hard thought." He looked reprovingly at me, "Jessica, I am very upset with you for signing those notes . . .," I looked at my plate to escape the looks of anguish that pierced Alex and Dan's expressions, " . . .I am, however, much angrier with your brothers for putting you in that position to begin with." My father redirected his glare at the boys, and they looked at their plates. "Now if these had been two totally unrelated incidents, notes or no notes, there would have been two punishments. It, therefore, seems only appropriate that there be two now." An ache rose in my throat as I looked across at my brothers. The news seemed not to affect them. It was what they were expecting. It didn't really surprise me either, but I didn't know how much more punishment they could take. My father continued, "After dinner, therefore, you boys will get the rest of the whipping you have coming to you, but this time I will not be dealing it out, though I will supervise to make sure it gets done," he stared right at me. For a moment the three of us continued eating, ignorant to his meaning, and then at the same time it hit us.

Alex spit out the milk he had just begun to swallow at the same time that I overturned mine, and Dan gagged on the piece of steak he'd just put in his mouth. "Daddy, no! Please!" I sobbed.

"You can't be serious!" Dan's voice was full of panic and he was on the verge of tears.

"Daddy, No!" cried Alex, his face turned deathly white. Mama got up and quietly cleaned up the mess we'd created and then sat back down.

"Your sister thought she was protecting you by signing those notes. Now, she'll see that she literally ended up harming you instead."

"Daddy, please don't make me, please!" I choked.

"All right, this is your choice. You either punish Alex and Dan after dinner, or I will bare their bottoms again and give them another licking right here and now in front of everybody. It's your choice."

I looked first at Mama. Her eyes were lowered, keeping her expression a secret. I then looked at Dennis and Toby. Their eyes were round with horror. What would it do to them to see Dan and Alex beaten in front of them? Now, I looked at Carrie, cowering in her chair, looking at me, Dan and Alex in turn, fright and sympathy in her eyes. I then thought how degrading it would be for them if Papa whipped them here and now. I almost had my answer, as much as it would tear me and them apart, and then I looked at them, meeting their fawn-like eyes that were now so sad and scared. Silently, they pleaded with me to tell Papa "no." They didn't want me to do it after dinner, no matter what the consequences of that decision were. Finally, I choked out an answer. "I can't Daddy . . . I just can't!" Dan and Alex lowered their eyes.

"Very well," said my father, "have it your way." He got up from the table, unbuckled his belt and slid it out of the loops. He went to Dan, took him by the arm, and pulled him out of his chair. "Pull down your shorts," he commanded. Dan turned crimson, but he did as he was told and my father ordered him to lean against the wall. He still had his boxers on, but even so, it was easy to see the dark welts that had formed on his legs and lower back from his previous punishment. Carrie was already crying and the twins looked stunned, and as my father went to slide Dan's underwear down, I could stand it no longer. I jumped up from my chair and ran in between my older brother and my father.

"Please don't do this, Daddy!" I wailed, "Please . . .!"

"Don't you interfere with me, young lady!" My father reached around me and pulled Dan's boxers to his knees. Silent tears streaked Dan's cheeks and my stricken younger brother was pressing his fingers against his eyes, and swiping at the tears that managed to escape.

"Daddy please . . .!" My anguished scream filled the room.

My father took hold of my arm and guided me to the other end of the table. Once there, without releasing my arm, he warned me, "Jessica, you made a choice and this was it. There is only one way you can stop it and you know what that is. If you interfere again not only will I give your brothers extra, but you will have your share as well. I will not tell you again." With that he released my arm and, folding the belt, made his way toward my older brother who was biting his lip to keep from breaking down completely. I looked at my younger brother who was now no longer even trying to maintain his composure and I couldn't bear the idea of him being put through this as well.

"Daddy please!" I screamed again. I ran after him and grabbed his hand. He jerked it away and kept moving. He reached Dan and raised the belt and I saw my brother brace himself. With one tremendous effort, I threw myself between them again and fell to my knees. I grasped both my father's hands and begged. "Daddy, Daddy, please!" He tried to jerk his hands away to raise the belt again, but I was ready and I held him fast, pressing my face against his hands, "Please, Daddy, please!" I was hysterical now and everyone was looking at me with shocked eyes, except Alex and Dan. Even my father seemed somewhat disconcerted, but he finally succeeded in yanking his hands free and he went to raise the belt again while I clung to his legs pleadingly. "All Right!" I shrieked, "I'll do it!" I thought of nothing now except how to get Dan out of this humiliating situation. "I'll do it, Daddy! Please, just let Dan go!" My father brought the belt back to his side and instructed Dan to get dressed as I crumpled and fell back on my knees, covering my face and sobbing.

"Carrie, Dennis, Toby, go upstairs, please," Mama directed. The three left tearfully, without a word.

"You three have as long as it takes your mother and me to do the dishes, and then Jess is going to keep her promise," my father said, and then my parents left us.

Alex left the table and dropped beside me, putting his arm around me as Dan pulled up his underwear and shorts. I looked at him, "I'm sorry, Alex."

"It's ok," he choked, he was still crying hard as well. I hugged him close and a moment later I felt his gentle hand stroking my hair. Dan, after he was dressed, fell on his knees beside us too and took my hand in his. I went from Alex's arms to his, clinging tightly to him as I continued to sob.

"I'm sorry, Dan, I couldn't bear it . . .to see you so humiliated . . .I'm sorry."

"It's ok, Jess," his voice was husky and he held me tight. "It's ok. I guess we've gotten good at putting you in tough positions."

"Oh Dan, what am I going to do?" I choked.

"I don't know, Jess," his voice broke, "I guess you'll have to go through with it."

"But I'll never be able to bring myself to strap you and Alex. I've never struck either one of you, even when we were little."

"You will be able to do it, Jess. You have to, or he'll think of something worse, and you know he's capable of it." He pressed me close and I felt Alex's hand on my shoulder. "We'll get through this. You know we love you, no matter what." I was still in Dan's protective embrace and my brothers were still trying to reassure me when my father walked back through the door to the dining room, walked over to us and handed me the belt as though there were nothing to it.

"You're really going to make me go through with this?" I whispered hoarsely, seeing out of blurred eyes. Ignoring me, he grabbed Alex's arm and raised him to his feet. "Get up against the table, Alex," he said. Alex's eyes filled with tears again as he did as he was told. My father then pulled me to my feet and pointed to Alex, "Now this is serious and I am very angry with the boys, so their punishment will be severe. Alex is going to get 20 licks." I sucked in my breath. I had not counted on so many. Neither apparently had Alex and Dan. They both paled another shade and Alex gripped the side of the table harder.

"But Daddy," I cried, "you already punished them this afternoon!"

"Don't argue with me, Jess." He pointed again to Alex, and taking a deep breath, I folded the belt. I had to get this over with. I approached my younger brother ever so slowly and placed a hand on his back as I aimed the belt.

"I love you, Alex!" I sobbed, and he started to cry hard before the stroke even landed.

"No, no, no!" My father stepped in and took the belt. "Just because you are delivering and not me, these boys are not going to escape some amount of real punishment. This is how you do it." My father aimed, stepped back and then forcefully cracked Alex one, making him jump and cry out.

"Oww! Daddy!"

"Alex, hold your position!" He turned back to me, "Ok? That is what I expect to see." He handed the belt back to me and with a trembling hand I raised it again, but the second stroke was not much harder than the first, and though my brother responded emotionally, he did not react to the strap. My father took the belt again and gave him three hard licks, making him cry out and reach back to rub his bottom. "You know better!" My father cracked him again, catching his hands and making him scream as he jerked them out of the way. "Now look, Jess,'' my father lectured as he handed the belt once more to me,"the twenty have not even started yet, and we are going to keep doing this until you get it right. And if you can't do it hard enough over their shorts then I will ask them to take them down." Both my brothers and I were already crying so hard at this point that it was impossible for us to react outwardly to my dad's threat, but inwardly I vowed that I wouldn't let it happen. With this in mind, I gathered my courage and mustered all my strength and, biting my lip, I stepped back and drove the belt forcefully into Alex's bottom. He whimpered and gripped the table to keep from breaking position. "That was much better," my father approved, "that will suffice." I drove the next five home and my brother screamed.

"Oww, Jess, Oww!"

"I'm sorry, Alex, I'm so sorry!" I sobbed.

"Don't apologize to him!" My dad scolded. "He knows he deserves this punishment." I swallowed hard and continued. The next ten had Alex dancing from side to side, trying to avoid the blows without breaking position, but the last one caught him on the thigh accidentally as he moved and his scream pierced the air as he reached for the sore spot.

"Give me that for a minute," my father held out his hand for the belt and I had no choice but to give it to him. "Alex get your hands on the table and keep them there!" Alex was crying uncontrollably as he followed my father's orders. He gripped the table hard and my father let him have it with five sharp, stinging blows of the belt. "Do not break your position again!" He warned as he handed the belt back to me. I was crying so hard now that I could barely see what I was doing and I tried to go a little easier on Alex despite my father's previous threat. Thankfully, he either didn't notice, or he let it pass, as I finished the last five strokes of Alex's punishment. My father told Alex that he could stand up and immediately my younger brother looked for my arms. I took him into them and held him close.

"I'm sorry, Alex, I'm so sorry," I said again and again. He just continued to cry.

After a minute my father interrupted, "All right that's enough! You still have your other brother to deal with. Alex, go upstairs." I gave Alex one last hug and then we parted and still crying, he obeyed our father's orders. "Dan, up against the table." My older brother was already a mess from watching me and Alex and as he got up from his knees, where he had remained during the entirety of Alex's punishment, I knew that this would be even harder for me than punishing Alex had been. Dan was older than me and I not only loved him, I respected him and looked to him for protection. Now, I saw the little boy in him, the scared part that didn't know how or didn't want to deal with certain situations.

He stopped beside me, as he made his way to the table, and turning to face me, he placed his hands on my shoulders and peered earnestly into my face. "Just do it and get it over with," he entreated me. I nodded silently, too overcome to speak. It was a resolution I had already made. I would not let Dan go through what my younger brother had gone through.

"All right, Dan, let's go!" my father demanded impatiently. My brother looked at me for another moment and then turned to place his hands on the edge of the table. "Usually, Dan gets three extra for the three years he has over Alex," my father informed me, "but since Alex ended up with extra, we are going to start Dan at 25 tonight, understood?" I nodded, and swallowing hard, I tried to focus. I had to do this. "Ok, then, whenever you're ready, and Jess, you might want to have him count. He looks more capable than you right now." I nodded again. "You want him to count? You've gotta tell him."

I gathered my courage as I took up my position behind my brother, just to his left. "Dan, please count the licks."

"Ok, Jess! Just do it!"

"Watch your tone, Dan!" my father cautioned.

I took another minute to muster my courage and my strength, and then I let the belt fly.

"One!" my brother winced and the unexpected sting of the first blow made him cringe in anticipation of the next. It was not long in coming. "Two!" he cried. I knew I was hitting him harder than I had hit Alex, but I was determined not to have my father interfere. "Three! Four! Oww! Oww! God! Five! SIX! Oww! Jess!" I knew I was surprising my brother, but more importantly my father had nothing to say. I continued and as I found my rhythm, my brother could hardly keep up with me. "Seven! Oww, Oww! Eight! Nine! Ten! Eleven! Oww! That hurts, Jess! Oww!

"Damb Jess!" he shrieked. The belt cut him sharply under his bottom and he jumped, reaching back to rub, without thinking. Quickly he placed his hands on the table again, and I prayed my father had not seen, but he hadn't missed a thing, and now he approached and held out his hand. I slowly backed away, but I knew with a sinking feeling that all my efforts to protect my brother were wasted.

"Give me the belt, Jessica!"

"Daddy, Please!" I pleaded and Dan began to cry harder.

"Right now!" I knew I could not argue and win, so with shaking hands I handed him the hateful strap and he immediately turned to Dan.

"I do not like your tone, Daniel! Get across the table, all the way!" My brother, in response, lay flat on the table, reaching for the other side. "Jess, get over there and hold his hands since he can't seem to keep them out of the way!" I obeyed, tears streaming down my face as I made my way slowly to the other side of the table. I stood across from my brother and as he looked at me I saw how frightened he was and I suppressed the rush of fury that flooded me with the urge to scream at my father. Instead, I just offered Dan my hands. He willingly took them and gripped them tightly as my father yanked his shorts and underwear down to expose his already well punished bottom. My father continued berating him as he stepped back and raised the belt. "Jess has been nothing, but nice to you," SMACK! My brother grimaced and his fingers tightened around mine. "She has been taking it so easy with you!" SMACK! Dan gasped and tried to pull his hands away, but I held him fast for his own good. "And how do you repay her?" SMACK!

"Oww! Dad!

"With swearing and whining and a generally ridiculous fuss!" SMACK! "I thought I taught you better! Maybe you need a little of this for a while to remind you what tonight could have been like!" SMACK, SMACK, SMACK!

"Oww, Dad! I'm sorry!"

"You're gonna be! When I get done with you, you better show your sister some respect! Is that clear?" SMACK, SMACK, SMACK! Dan tried again to pull his hands away, but when I wouldn't let him he just held tighter and sobbed. "I said, is that clear?!"

"Yes sir," was my brother's barely audible response.

"Good! Now, stay still!" With that my father really lit into him and Dan reacted, screaming and trying to pull away.

"OWW! OWW! OWW! Daddy, OWW! I'M Sorry! I'm so sorry! Please!" His anguished cries filled the air, but still my father didn't stop. "OWW! Daddy! Please . . . please!"

"All right, Dan," my father finally relented, "get dressed and watch your attitude from now on!"

"Yes, sir," said Dan reaching back to rub his burning bottom as I released his hands. He then slowly stood up and after rubbing for another minute, bent to pull his underwear and shorts back up. My father beckoned to me and I reluctantly went back around the table to face him.

"Finish it up," he said and held out the belt. Determinedly, I took it and as I looked at my brother, he avoided my eyes. My father motioned toward the table and Dan once again leaned against it. I took a deep breath and then delivered the last ten licks with Dan counting faithfully and remaining in position for every one. As I finished, my hand shook, and I let the belt fall to the floor. I was trembling and I covered my face as my brother turned to take me in his arms. I felt feverish and very, very dizzy. I clung to him and we sank to the floor, both of us too tired to stand anymore.

"I'm Sorry Dan!" I cried.

"I know. It's ok," he responded softly. Tears were still running down his face too and he pressed his hot, wet cheek against the top of my head as I nestled against his shoulder. We remained like that and it wasn't long before I slowly began to drift off, lulled by the warmth and security of my oldest brother's shoulder.

I woke with a start and looked around my dark, silent room. Carrie was in her bed sleeping peacefully. Had it all been one giant nightmare? I started to cry quietly and a few moments later I heard soft footsteps sounding on the floor in the hall. My bedroom door creaked slightly as it opened and Dan entered, shutting it as quietly as possible, behind him.

"Oh, God! Dan!" I whispered. I was dreadfully afraid of waking Carrie. I looked into my brother's eyes as he sat gingerly beside me on the bed. "Please tell me it didn't happen!" He just took me in his arms and held me close as we sat there in the dark, both of us trying to forget the living nightmare in which the two of us and our younger brother had been forced to participate, and wondering if we'd ever really be able to put it behind us.

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