Question: Was there ever a time in your life that you got away with
 something you wish you hadn't? Tell us what it was and try to explain
 
your feelings :x

All right well here it goes again. I know y’all have moved on to a different question now, but here I am, typical me, stuck back here on the first one. God this is still so embarrassing, but Zach says as this is still bothering me so much, writing it down might help. Stupid fucking journalist thinks it helps to write everything down. He went and made it an assignment! Can you believe that? Says I don’t have to post it if I don’t want to, but I mean still. As if the rest of this wasn’t bad enough, now I have extra homework; like I don’t get enough of that from class.

Anyway, I don’t really know if my answer should count as an answer to this question cuz in the end I didn’t really get away with anything but Zach says it’s close enough, so here goes nothing I guess.

The night I really want to tell you about I think might seriously be the worst night of my life so far. I know that sounds dramatic, but it really was. Before I tell you about that, though, I think maybe I should start with some background information since none of y’all even know me. I guess I should begin by telling you about Jamie and Jordan. They are my two best buds, see. We call ourselves the three ‘J’s’ and we’ve been tight ever since we roomed together freshmen year. Sophomore year was when Jamie and Jordan met Rob and Zach and from that moment on, even though my two friends said they wouldn’t, I knew things were going to change. I was cool with that. I mean, it was nothing new or anything. It was the story of my life, really. In the end, though, things really didn’t change as much as I thought they would. Not at least until this year. We are seniors now. Zach and Rob graduated a year ago, but they decided they were going to stick around for Jamie and Jordan, so they bought a house, and at the end of last semester Jamie and Jordan moved in.

It was after that that I started noticing things, and for a while everything got real tense. My two buds were always in a bad mood, and I knew there were a lot of fights at home. Zach and Rob had forgotten apparently in the short time that they’d been out what college life was like. I felt bad for Jamie and Jordan but at the same time, and this sounds horrible but I can’t help it; at the same time I was kind of happy. It seemed like the whole thing was doomed and I very honestly just wanted my two best friends back. Zach and Rob, as far as I was concerned, were a couple of stuffed shirts who, now that they had graduated, were just plain boring.

For a short time I got what I wanted. Jamie and Jordan seemed determined to piss Zach and Rob off every chance they got. Everything their partners asked them to do, they did the opposite on purpose. They were going home late, skipping classes, refusing to do anything around the house like cooking or cleaning or anything. Well, I mean really! Who wants to do any of that stuff? College is hard enough without all that. Free time should be about relaxing and hanging with your buds. Just when I thought for sure things were over though, Jamie and Jordan seemed to change their minds. It seemed Zach and Rob had a bigger hold on them than I thought.

They started making some pretty drastic changes, changes that affected my life too. I mean most of them weren’t too extreme I guess. It’s not like we never partied again, but it was like all of a sudden there were all these rules. The rules themselves weren’t really the strange part, though. I mean Zach and Rob had always had rules. The strange part was that now, all of a sudden, Jordan and Jamie were following them. I just couldn’t figure it out, but then I guess I didn’t think too much about it either. I mean the guys did seem happier over all, and I guess I just thought I’d underestimated Rob and Zach and how important they were to my two best friends.

It wasn’t until I started spending some serious time there, that I began to suspect there was more to it than that. Since we were hanging out less on campus, I was over at their place much more often. We’d watch movies, play video games, play cards sometimes, and sometimes Rob and Zach would hang with us too. They were cooler than I thought and I actually started to feel like I belonged there. I guess maybe they all felt that way too because after a while it seemed like they forgot about me, not in a bad way really, just that they were less guarded I guess. I started to hear things and see things that led me to wonder, but the night I knew was one night when Jordan had gone with some friends of his to see a game and forgotten to take his cell phone.

Jamie and I were playing cards with Rob, and Zach kept popping out of his office. “Have you heard anything yet? Did he call?” (Though he knew damn well the phone hadn’t rung). The guy was really antsy and I was actually feeling bad for him. What was really weird though was that Jamie seemed to be getting uptight too, and Rob was sticking closer than usual. Normally, he and Zach would play a couple of rounds with us and then they’d go off and do their own thing. That night, though, Rob stayed with us, and he was being extra attentive to Jamie.

I didn’t necessarily see what the big deal was. I mean, yeah ok, Jordan said he’d be home at 8 and by the time it was 10 nobody had heard from him, but that didn’t mean anything bad. I mean that could be anything. I understood why Zach was worried, but knowing our friend as we did, I was surprised Jamie was getting so worked up. By 11, Jaim couldn’t even hide it anymore. I was about to ask him what he was so worried about when Rob pulled just about the worst fake yawn I’ve ever seen. “Wow, I’m beat,” he laid the cards down on the table and looked intently at Jamie. “Ready for bed, Boo?”

‘Boo?’ I smirked and turned to look at my friend, sure that he would be mortified. I wasn’t sure what was worse, the stupid nickname or the suggestion that 11pm was an appropriate bedtime for Friday evening. Imagine my surprise then to see him nodding, and were those tears in his eyes? I tried to look closer but he looked away before I could really tell and I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask him.

“Come on, sweetheart,” Rob stood up and held out his arm and Jamie went to him, snuggling in as Rob put his arm around him. I was still trying to catch my friend’s eye but he was refusing to look my way anymore. “Justie, if you want to go back to campus, Bud, I’ll take you. Jamie and I have kind of a long day tomorrow. Got some stuff planned and looks like we’re not going to last as long tonight as we had hoped, and since Jordan’s not back yet . . . .”

“Jordan’s fine!” I interrupted him. “What is the big fuckin’ deal, anyway? He’s just a little late!” I hadn’t meant to snap, but by that time Jamie’s weird behavior was really starting to freak me out too.

“Relax, Justin,” Rob replied in that annoyingly adult tone. “I was only thinking since Zach’s busy and Jamie and I are quitting a little early on you, you might prefer to go back to campus tonight.”

“No,” I grumped. “I’d like to wait for Jordan.” I mean he was my friend too. If everyone else was going to be so worried, didn’t I have the right?

Rob’s eyes narrowed a bit and he looked like he wanted to say more but Jamie was practically clinging to him by then and all he said was, “All right then, Bud. Suit yourself. You know where everything is. There are fresh sheets on the bed in the guest room. Just make yourself at home.” ‘Oh I will,’ I thought. ‘Didn’t I always?’ Why was Rob being so formal all of a sudden?

“Night,” was all I said out loud.

“Night, Bud,” Rob returned.

“Night, Jaim,” I was determined to get my friend to speak to me.

“Night,” he replied but he still didn’t look at me and his voice was all weird. ‘What the hell was going on?’ I got myself a fresh beer from the fridge and took it into the living room. I turned on the T.V., flopped in the big recliner and started clicking through the channels, but nothing seemed good; I couldn’t pay attention at all. My mind kept wandering back to the weird way everyone was acting, just trying to make sense of it all. Zach was still up but I was seeing less and less of him. I was hearing the occasional click of the keyboard from the office followed by long interludes of silence and once in a while he would emerge and just stand there in the kitchen looking at the phone as if looking at it might make something happen. He’d rummage through the fridge only to decide he didn’t want anything. He’d glance at me on his way back to the office, but he never said anything to me and finally at 1 am I turned the T.V. off and went to bed.

I was dozing off and on in that state sort of between reality and dream land when loud voices jolted me further awake. “Where the hell have you been?”

“I’m sorry, Zach. Rhiner’s car got a flat on the way home. It was this whole big deal and . . . .”

“And you couldn’t have called me?? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?”

“I know. I’m sorry! I would have! It’s just that I forgot my cell phone . . . .” Jordan sounded more than a little tentative about the admission.

“God Bless America, Jordan!” I smirked at the exasperated exclamation (That’s as close to swearing as Zach ever gets). “How many times are we going to talk about this?”

“I’m sorry!” Jordan’s tone was pleading, and I gripped the pillow tighter, holding my breath to hear what would follow.

“No one else had a phone either?” The question was followed by a long silence in which some kind of answer must have been given on Jordan’s part because then Zach spoke again. “All right, my boy, well we are going to have a long talk about this tonight. Go on upstairs.”

‘My boy?’ I cringed and felt my cheeks grow hot. ‘Fucking asshole! Give it to him, Jord!’ I thought as I waited apprehensively for Jordan to tell Zach right where to stuff it, but that wasn’t what I heard. The next thing that came to me was Jordan’s voice all right, but it was far from the indignant response I had anticipated.

“Zach, please, I’m sorry!”

“Upstairs, Jordy! We will talk about it upstairs! Go on!” Jordan did respond to that. Something hit the floor, something glass by the sounds of it. Then, there were some sounds that at the time I couldn’t identify, though now I would take bets what they were, and a moment later Jordan was sprinting up the stairs. I could hear that he was definitely crying by then. The door to Zach and Jordan’s room slammed hard and a few moments later I heard Zach coming up the stairs. His steps were much quieter than Jordan’s and I heard him pause beside my door.

‘Shit!’ I barely had time to close my eyes before I felt a thin stream of light from the hallway fall across my face. I held my breath, feeling stupid. I had heard Zach and Jordan fight before, but it had never been anything like this. This was bloody awful. ‘What was Jamie thinking?’ I wondered. ‘Did Jordan and Zach fight like this all the time?’ I don’t know how convincing my pretense was, but a moment later my door closed and the one just down the hall opened and closed again softly. There were muffled voices, the sounds of soft crying, and then the low tones of Mozart drowned everything else out.

I lay there, wide awake now, straining to hear the sounds from the next room and trying to make sense of it all. There were no more really loud noises, at least not right away. For a long time I could barely hear anything. I caught bits and pieces here and there of Zach’s low, soothing tones and then of Jordan’s broken ones. It wasn’t by any means the knock down drag out I had expected from the way Jordan had come upstairs. In fact, I couldn’t recall having ever heard Zach speak so gently before. For a moment, I was even jealous. ‘What would it feel like to be spoken to like that?’ I thought wistfully.

I was beginning to drift off again when the music all of a sudden seemed to get louder. At first, I thought I was imagining it, but the sounds that followed immediately after assured me that I wasn’t. I’m sure Zach’s intention had been that the music would override the other sounds coming from the room, but it didn’t exactly work out that way. Not that they were extremely loud or anything, but they were clear. There was no way for me to kid myself about what was happening and I will never forget how I felt at that moment.

It was the oddest mix of emotions. I felt horrified for Jordan of course and wondered what I should do. What could I do other than lie there and pretend I was not hearing it? I felt angry on behalf of my friend that Zach would treat him like that, angry that Jordan didn’t stand up for himself and yet . . . I thought about Zach’s gentle, soothing tones earlier on in the conversation and all of a sudden had this deep sense of yearning. I was both intrigued by the sounds I was now hearing and repelled by them. I was indignant for my friend and jealous of him at the same time. God help me, part of me was even turned on. ‘What the fuck is wrong with me?’ I wondered. What would Jordan say if he knew I was lying here, having these thoughts and feelings? He’d never forgive me! ‘I’m the worst friend ever!’ I thought, shoving my head as far under the pillow as I could and pulling it tightly over my ears. I felt my eyes burning and I tried to force back the lump in my throat, but of course I couldn’t. ‘Oh for shit’s sake!’ I thought. ‘Here we go! Always such a freaking cry baby!’ I pressed my face hard into the sheets as the tears started. ‘Who the hell would ever want a fucked up friend like me?’ I thought.

Those kinds of thoughts do not go away easily as maybe at least some of you know. I lay there long after all the noises had stopped. Zach was no longer talking or . . . well . . . you know. Jordan was no longer crying, and even the music had faded to nothing. Everything was quiet except of course all the voices in my head. Naturally, those refused to shut up.

No matter what I did, what I thought about, which way I turned I could not go back to sleep, so finally I gave up. Thought maybe I’d make myself some warm milk. Does anyone know if that shit really works? Anyway, I thought I’d try it so I pulled my boxers back on and made my way down to the kitchen. I went as far as warming the stuff up but then, looking at it, I decided I could go for a beer instead, so I helped myself and sat at the kitchen table to drink it. It was three am by then and that’s where Jamie found me two hours later. Technically, I was on my fifth beer, but I wasn’t really drinking it; I was just sitting there staring into space. At least those awful thoughts were gone, sort of.

“You all right?” I felt the beer being taken out of my hand and replaced with a lion size glass of water.

‘Damn! Did I look that drunk?’

“Did you know that was going to happen?” I tried to focus on my friend as he moved about the kitchen. I looked at the open robe and slippers that accompanied his boxers and couldn’t help smirking to myself. That had to be Rob’s influence. I sighed and put my head on the table. If only the room would stop spinning.

“Drink your water,” Jamie advised as he picked up my empty bottles and stowed them in the trash bag he was carrying.

“I don’t want to drink it!” I returned, trying again to look up at him. Bad idea! I put my head back down on my arms. “I want you to answer my question.”

“Be right back,” he said, and I heard him taking the bag now filled with all the evidence of my debauchery out the back door to the recycle bin. For a moment I was grateful cuz I really didn’t want to have to hear it from Rob or Zach and then I remembered why I was in this state to begin with. ‘It’s the least he can do,’ I groused to myself.

A moment later, Jamie returned and sat down in the chair next to me. “Drink your water, J,” he urged gently. “It will help, and here take these.” He set three ibuprofen tablets down on the table in front of me. I rolled my eyes, but then I sat up and took the pills, following them with a big swig of water which did feel pretty good goin’ down. I mean he was right; there was no sense in my being a prick about it when he was just trying to help me.

“Did you know?” I repeated my earlier question. I put my head down again, but this time I successfully kept my eyes on Jamie and he looked away uncomfortably.

“Yeah,” he admitted finally, still not meeting my eyes. “I thought there might be an issue tonight.”

“Does it happen often?” I asked quietly.

He shrugged. “I wouldn’t say often, but sometimes and this thing with the cell phone is something they’ve been talking about repeatedly . . . .”

“You’re ok with this?” I demanded indignantly.

“Listen, J, you have to understand something here. Jordan agreed to this; it’s an arrangement of sorts between him and Zach. He sticks to certain rules on certain issues or . . .,” Jamie paused and his face flushed as he finally met my eyes, “or there are consequences,” he finished quietly.

“What the fuck are you talking about? An arrangement?” I demanded heatedly. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Why would he agree to something so . . . so . . . degrading?”

“It’s not degrading, Justin. I know the idea takes some getting used to but it’s really . . . well it’s a good thing.”

“How the fuck would you know?” I challenged, but I bit my tongue before the sentence was half way out of my mouth. Jamie was crimson now and I felt my own cheeks growing hot once more. ‘Of course,’ I realized then, ‘he has the same ‘arrangement’ with Rob. “I’ve got to get out of here,” I got a little too quickly to my feet and lurched forward a bit as a sudden wave of dizziness overtook me. I grabbed my head to stop the room from spinning and when it cleared a moment later, I made my way (albeit somewhat unsteadily) towards the kitchen door.

“J!” Jamie called me back, but I didn’t stop. “Justin!” he called again. My hand was on the doorknob now.

“What?!” I looked back to where he was now standing in front of the table where we’d just been sitting. “Just let me be, Jamie! I need to go for a walk or something.”

“You’re going out there in just your underwear?” Jamie questioned and I looked down. ‘Oh yeah, good point.’ I switched directions and headed slowly for the stairs. “Justin, can’t we talk about this, Man?” Jamie questioned as I reached the bottom of the steps. I paused, leaning on the banister and putting my hand to my head.

“No, Jaim, I don’t think so, not right now. Right now, I just need to get out of here and clear my head. I’m going upstairs, putting on my clothes, and then I’m going for a nice long walk.” Jamie didn’t say anything more that I remember, and it took every ounce of concentration I had to make it up the steps. Of course what I really did was go upstairs and pass out on my bed for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon.

The slight buzz of voices coming from downstairs finally entered my consciousness and I became all of a sudden aware of the whopping headache I now had. I rolled over and looked at the clock. ‘Jesus! 1pm!’ I covered my face with my arm. I lay still for another few moments and then with great determination pulled myself out of bed. Moving slowly, to be as kind as possible to my pounding head, I pulled on my jeans and t-shirt from the previous day. I grabbed my shades from the dresser, feeling thankful that the fall sun had prompted me to grab them before leaving campus yesterday.

Everyone was up now of course, and I could hear them all down in the living room and kitchen. The water was running and dishes clinking as everyone chattered away like nothing much had happened. The left over smells from brunch hung in the air and I couldn’t decide if they were making me hungry or nauseous. My main object right then was to get the hell out of that house, hopefully without having to look at or talk to anybody. Quietly, oh so quietly I tiptoed my way down the stairs. The door to the kitchen and adjoining living room was right next to the stairs, but so was the door leading into the hallway from outside. I leaned slowly around the kitchen door, peeking in, but doing my best to stay out of sight. Everyone’s back was to me. ‘If I could just make it to the door . . . . Go, Man! Now’s your time,’ I thought. Carefully, oh so carefully I stepped down off the last step. I put my hand on the doorknob, started to ease it open and CREEK! ‘God almighty didn’t these guys ever hear of WD-40?’

I closed my eyes and held my breath. Nothing happened so I opened the door a bit further. I had one leg actually out when I heard, “There you are! Thought you were going to sleep all day, Lazy Bones! Want some breakfast? Are you leaving?” The last part of the question was asked in a definite tone of surprise.

‘Heaven help me! It was Zach.’ Slowly I turned to face him as my face heated up for what seemed like the hundredth time this morning. My God the man was beautiful; I couldn’t help thinking as I accidentally met his penetrating blue eyes head on. Of course then I just stood there gawking at him, grateful once again for my shades. He had a dish towel in one hand and a plate in the other and he continued to dry it as he talked to me; he seemed thankfully oblivious to my embarrassment.

“Want some breakfast?” he asked again.

“Naa, I gotta get going,” I managed. “I’ve got exams to study for . . . .”

“But it’s Saturday,” Zach replied in bewilderment.

“Yeah well . . . .” I really didn’t know what to say to that. I never studied on Saturday. Such things went against the principles of a college student and Zach knew it.

“Everything ok, Bud?” he asked.

‘Yeah great.’ “Fine,” I said out loud, willing the blood in my face to go back down.

“You feeling ok?” He threw the towel over his shoulder, set the plate on the counter behind him, and stepped closer to me, his hand outstretched, showing his clear intention of feeling my forehead.

“No, I’m ok, Zach,” I started to back through the door. “Really, I just have a lot to do.”

“Ok, Bud,” Zach stopped and looked searchingly at me through his glasses. “Well at least let me drive you back,” he threw the towel onto the counter and turned to take his keys from the hook near the door. “Jordy,” he called before I could stop him, “I’m just going to run Justin back to campus. I don’t think he’s feeling too well.”

Jordan and Jamie both stopped what they were doing and looked up at me. ‘Fuck!’ Talk about wanting to crawl into a hole and die. “No, Zach, really, it’s a beautiful day (thankfully it was). Campus isn’t that far. I’d really rather just walk. I’ll see you all later.” And with that I made my escape, at last. I closed the door behind me and quickly made my way down the steps, afraid that even then Zach might come after me and try to get me to talk to him. When I was finally sure that wasn’t going to happen I slowed my pace, took a deep breath, and let my mind play once again over the events of the night before.

A long walk turned out to be just the thing to clear my head. I spent the whole of the rest of the afternoon outside, just letting my feet and my mind wander till I ended up back at the campus ball park where Jamie, Jordan and I play baseball. They of course are stars on the team, Jamie as pitcher and Jordan as a frequent homerun hitter; I just go along for the ride as usual. I mean I’m an ok shortstop, but I couldn’t hit for shit and well let’s just say the team always prays that games won’t come down to me at bat.

It was late in the day, the sun was starting to go down, and I was sitting on the bleachers drawing in the dirt with a stick I’d picked up on my travels when I heard them coming. ‘Shit! Why couldn’t they just drop it?’ I listened as they approached for any abnormalities in their exchange, any awkwardness, any uncomfortable silences, but they were clowning around like always. Well, they were until they got closer to me, anyway. As they came up beside me, they grew serious, and I could sense them trading glances over my head. ‘Great! I was a big giant egg shell now that nobody wanted to step on.’ Finally, Jamie moved in closer to me and sat down. He seemed to expect that I might move away, and when I didn’t he relaxed a little.

“How you doin’, J?” he asked tentatively at last. “You still mad?”

“No!” I returned defensively. “I’m not mad. I never was mad. I mean, what you guys do is your own business.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Jordan asked quietly. He was leaning on the side of the bleachers, and I could feel his eyes on me.

‘Shit! What the hell was I supposed to say to that?’ I shrugged feeling the affects once again of what I was sure would probably be a permanent blush from here on in. “I don’t know,” I returned softly without looking at him. “I guess I just don’t understand it. I feel humiliated for you. I mean, don’t you? Feel humiliated?”

“No,” he replied softly. “I feel loved.” The earnest admission took me off guard and I finally risked a small sideways glance at him. I was surprised to see absolutely no trace of discomfort or embarrassment. He looked like the same old Jordan, the friend I knew, had known inside out for four years, and though his eyes were sober, I suspected that the concern I saw reflected there was not for himself. In fact, other than a marked preference for standing, there was nothing to distinguish today’s Jordan from yesterdays. I don’t know why I expected there would be. I mean obviously this had been going on for a while.

“This isn’t hurting us any, J,” Jamie spoke again softly as I looked back at the ground. “It’s helping us. You know how hard school is for both of us. How hard it’s been.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not exactly easy for me either,” I returned still a little edgily.

“But, Justin,” Jordan replied, “you have the natural intelligence, Man, to skate by even if you don’t put in the time. That wasn’t working for us, Bro. Jamie and I were gonna fail. Our status on the team is the only thing that’s been keeping us here until now . . . .”

“And you’re saying this helps!?” I questioned incredulously, finally looking up and meeting his eyes.

“Yeah,” he returned quietly. “It does.” I was gratified though to see that I had finally managed to bring a faint blush to his cheeks. At least I wasn’t the only one feeling uncomfortable anymore.

“Well that’s great!” I responded sardonically as a random streak of jealousy brought tears to my eyes and I once again had occasion to be grateful for my shades. “Don’t you feel like a child, though, Jordan?” I demanded, feeling smug as his blush deepened. Ok, so I admit now, that was not one of my finer moments, but I mean they wanted to know how I was feeling and what I was thinking.

“It’s not really that simple, Justin,” Jamie came to Jordan’s rescue, and I turned to look at him, but he didn’t meet my eyes. He was looking down and fidgeting with the class ring Rob had given him. He never took the thing off and sometimes I wondered if he could get it off now even if he wanted to.

“What do you mean?” I persisted a little spitefully. “It seems simple to me. Isn’t that what parents do? They set rules for their children and if they don’t follow those rules, the children get punished? Isn’t that how it works?”

“This is different though . . . .” Jamie stammered. He was beet red now too as he continued to twist and turn his ring.

“Oh yeah? How? How is this different?” Actually by then, I really wasn’t trying to be an asshole. I just wanted to understand.

“Well . . . I mean . . . I don’t know . . . I guess it just is.” Jamie bit his lip and looked away from me. “I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“He’s right,” Jordan rejoined softly at that point, “it’s different. The agreements that Jamie and I have with Zach and Rob are very complex, Justin. It’s not like Rob and Zach make all the rules, and Jordan and I follow them, or we get punished. We each have our own agreement with our own partner, and some of the stuff Zach is helping me with isn’t even the same as what Rob and Jamie are working on. If I know anything about Jamie’s stuff, it’s only cuz he tells me, and vice versa. Each of our agreements starts with a set of goals, and these goals were not set for us, though I guess it would be fair to say Zach and Rob gave us a lot of help, but in the end we set these goals for ourselves. The rules are just a way to help us meet the goals we’ve established. Everything is very private, and Zach and Rob are great about respecting that. I don’t know if they even talk to each other about it, cuz they are so intent on protecting Jamie and me. For instance, they both know you heard what happened last night. That, in fact, is the only reason Zach even let me out of the house today, but you saw how he was with you, like nothing had happened. They would never talk about it, Justin. Not to you, or anyone else. They leave it up to us to decide when, where, and what we will share. Zach and I talk regularly about things that are or are not working. We make changes as we go, and I’m a total part of that.” Jordan paused, and I glanced at Jamie. He met my eyes briefly and nodded before looking away once more. “Zach and Rob only have control because we give it to them, Man,” Jordan added softly and there was another long moment of silence until finally he spoke again. “It’s not easy, J. I’m not trying to say that. And, sometimes, to answer your question, for me anyway, I don’t know about Jaimster there, but sometimes, for me, in the moment, yes, sometimes I do feel like a child. The important thing is, though, that Zach does not see me that way. Does that make sense?”

I shrugged and avoided his eyes. ‘Yeah! A lot of fucking sense! Just as much sense as any of this made.’

“Zach is very attentive, Justin, after . . . well, you know, after a punishment. He usually keeps me right by his side, even for days sometimes afterwards, until he is sure that I’m ok, and he never ever makes me feel like I am less than him. I mean there are times I question what the hell I’m doing of course.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw his hand stray almost absently to his butt as he said this. “But, I know I need it,” he continued. “And even the worst punishment I’ve had so far isn’t nearly as bad as the fights we used to have before we started this. Then, there was so much left unsaid, so many bad feelings just hanging in the air before and after. Now, expectations are clear. I know just exactly what to expect when I break one of our rules. We deal with it, and then it’s over and Zach’s not a big grouch for the next week and a half. Cuz that’s his promise to me, see; that once we deal with something it’s over and the slate is clean. He doesn’t harp on it or hold it over my head. We both get to let it go.”

There was another sort of uncomfortable silence, and then Jamie who hadn’t said a word this entire time, finally chimed in again. “Not only is Rob not mad after a . . . punishment . . .,” he glanced uncomfortably at me as his face turned bright red once more. “Not only is he not mad, he is actually more loving and understanding at those times than at almost any other time. Don’t get me wrong. I hate the . . . punishments . . . . They hurt like hell and they are always hard to go through for both me and Rob, but, J, the aftermath is so worth it. Even as sore as I am the next day or so, I feel so safe, so protected, and like Jordan said, so loved. I never feel more loved than I do in those moments, Just. Does that make me weird?”

“No!” I stated emphatically. “Of course not, Jaim.” Whatever my issues were with this, I wasn’t going to have my best friends questioning themselves or their relationships because of me. “You’re definitely not weird.” I could feel both my friends watching me now in that quiet, reflective way they both had as I continued to stir the dirt at my feet. Damn this fucking roller coaster I was on! How could I be feeling so many things at once?

“What’s the matter, Just?’ Jordan asked finally.

“Nothing,” my voice cracked against my will and silently I cursed it. “Oh, hell I don’t know. You guys know me. I just have issues.” I got up and walked away from them, tossing my stick to the side. How could I tell them what I was thinking, now? What I was feeling? How could I tell them when I didn’t even know myself?

“Hey, J, wait! Wait . . . !” Jordan came after me and placed his hand on my arm. Reluctantly I stopped and looked at him. “This isn’t going to change anything, Man,” he looked earnestly into my eyes and I did my very best to swallow the lump in my throat as Jamie came up behind him. “Is it?” I shook my head and both he and Jamie seemed to relax a little. “We’re always gonna be the three ‘J’s’,” Jordan asserted confidently, putting an arm around each of us. “Nothing’s ever gonna mess with that.”

Personally, at the time, I wasn’t so sure, and, quiet as they were as we made our way back to campus, I was pretty certain Jamie and Jordan had their doubts as well. As it turns out, though, Jordan was right. Oh, there were plenty of changes ahead for sure, but there was nothing we couldn’t handle. In fact, those changes in the end would only make our friendship stronger. Through thick and thin we have always remained the three ‘J’s’, and I’m confident now that, as Jordan said, “Nothing is ever gonna mess with that.”