My family is kind of complicated. It wasn't always that way. It used to be my Dad and Mom and me and my two brothers, Matt and Nathan. Everything was great then. I mean, we had our problems and everything, but we were happy. Then, a year ago my mom was killed in a car accident. Nathan was 17 at the time. I was 15 and Matt was 14.
Nothing was the same after that. My brothers both became moody and my dad developed a temper. None of us had ever been close with my father, but after my mom's death he became utterly unapproachable, while my brothers and I, if anything, grew closer. Getting adjusted to life without my mom was hard for us all, but especially for my dad and Matt. My younger brother had always had a special relationship with my mom and my dad had completely depended on her. Without her, they were both lost.
To make matters worse, my dad decided he could no longer live in our hometown of Gaithersburg, MD, where we had all grown up. There were too many memories he said. He had always wanted to live in New England, and even when we were little had tried to persuade my mom. From the way he talked, you'd think it was some picture perfect fantasy place where there were no real people and no real problems. So, what better place to go, right?Unfortunately, to my dad's dismay, it didn't work out quite like that.
To begin with, it was very hard for us, on top of Mom's death, to have to leave our friends too, and leaving our cousins was hardest of all. We had grown up with them, and just when we needed them most, it seemed like, my dad took us away. My younger brother was incensed. My cousin Jessica, who is Matt's age, is also one of the few people who really understands him. Matt and my dad had always butted heads, even when my mom was alive. My dad was always accusing my mom of spoiling and coddling my brother. After her death, though, and especially after my dad made his decision to move, their relationship really began to deteriorate.
Things did not improve when we got to Maine. We found the winters frigid compared to those in Southern Maryland. Everything seemed so isolated and the cabin fever was nearly unbearable. The summer wasn't much better either, though it was at least pretty. The warmest it ever got was eighty or eighty-five and there were few of those days to be had. Just when we thought things were as bad as they could get, Cynthia came into our lives. That was when the real trouble started.
My dad started to date her just a few months after we moved. She was a NY city dweller who came to Maine in the summer and on weekends. She was wealthy and as Nate said, she acted like it. Neither Nate or I was happy with this new state of affairs, but it was my younger brother who took it the hardest. He was openly hostile to the new woman in my father's life and defiant whenever my dad confronted him. Soon, exhausted with pleading and persuading, my dad threatened to use his belt.
The idea both startled and enraged my older brother and I, and we began to feel compelled by our own feelings which were just as strong, though not as readily expressed, to defend our younger brother. We knew our cousins were often exposed to that type of punishment, but my mother had vehemently opposed such methods, so my dad had hardly ever spanked us, even with his hand. On a few rare occasions, he had taken the strap to one or both of my brothers. In each case, the situation had been grave enough that my mom could not talk my dad out of the punishment he felt was necessary. On the last of these occasions, my dad had taken the strap to Nate for fighting with our cousin, Dan. I guess he had felt then that Nate should have his fair share of the punishment Dan was certain to receive, but the scene had been horrendous and my mother was so angry with him afterwards that he had never dared to punish any of us that way again, until right after my mom died. Even then, he had my aunt and uncle do his dirty work for him. He allowed them to punish my brothers for what had been, on their part, admittedly wild behavior. Matt and Nate had actually felt they deserved it that time, but I had known nothing about it until it was over and I vowed to never forgive my dad or my aunt and uncle for what I felt was an extremely unjust situation.
Now, as time went on the interference from me and Nate on Matt's behalf seemed to make my father more rather than less determined to pursue his new woman. Before we knew it, we were meeting Cynthia's children, Amy and Sean. That did not go well. All the same, not long after, my dad was engaged and three months after that he was remarried.
We were all devastated, as we sullenly cleaned out closets and rearranged furniture to make room for our new stepfamily. Nathan and I griped about having to share our rooms with Amy and Sean, and certainly made our overall unhappiness known, but Matt was absolutely beside himself. He shut himself in his room, coming out only for meals and responding to my father only when he had pushed the line as far as he could. He wouldn't talk to anyone, even me and Nate.
Then when Cynthia, Sean and Amy finally moved in about a month after the wedding, Matt shut himself in his room and refused to come out. My father, had so far, not carried out his threats, but his patience was growing thin and this time my brother was really pushing it.
"Matthew Zachary Kane! You get out here right now! Cynthia and the kids will be here soon and you had better be prepared to make them feel at home! Do you hear me?!" Silence. "Matt I said get out here!" I came out of the kitchen to see what all the racket was about and then stood petrified at the foot of the stairs as my furious father rattled my brother's locked bedroom door. I heard Nate come running up from the game room, and his white face made my own fear more intense. He paused beside me and we waited, hoping our brother would give up and come out. "Matthew! I am going to get a hairpin from the bathroom, and if you make me open this door, you are going to wish you had never been born!" Silence. "Do you understand me, young man?!" More silence. My father rattled the door once more and then turned across the hall to the bathroom. Nathan bolted up the stairs as my father returned with the pin, placing himself between my father and the door. "Nate! Get out of my way!"
"Dad, please!" My father attempted to push my brother aside, but Nate stood his ground. "Will you please just listen?"
"Listen to what? Your brother has had this coming for a long time! His attitude is lousy! He's making life miserable for all of us and now it's going to stop!" My father tried to push past Nate again, but now my brother was angry too.
"You know Dad you haven't been a lot of fun lately, either!" My father paused, taken aback and I made my way up the stairs to stand by my older brother, terrified for him now, as well as Matt.
"Is that a fact?" My father barked, his hand lingering near his belt buckle. "And just what do you mean by that?"
"Well, can't you see how Matt's feeling? How we're all feeling? instead of yelling at him all the time, you might try to understand what he's going through." I moved in close to my brother, proud of him, but terrified of my father's reaction, knowing as I looked at his angry face, that he was beyond reason.
"I would be more sensitive to your brother's feelings," my father started, forcing his voice to be calm, "if he was more sensitive to mine. Now get out of the way, or you're going to get your share too!"
"NO Daddy!" I clung to my brother's arm, and my father unbuckled his belt, sliding it through the loops, as Nate refused to budge.
At that moment the door opened and my younger brother emerged, coming quietly up behind us. Instead of reaching for Nate, my father reached through us and dragged my younger brother forward by his arm. Matt squirmed and tried to pull away, but my dad held him fast, and glared at him. "You ever pull a stunt like that again and I will tan your hide clean off! Do you understand me?" At first Matt was silent, but my father squeezed his arm tighter making my brother twist again, trying to get away. "I said are we clear?!"
"Oww! Yes! Oww! ok!" my father loosened his grip, but did not let go.
"I hope so, young man, because this is your one and only warning! And that goes for you too!" my dad looked at Nate, and my brother's eyes grew dark with anger, but he kept silent. "All right. That's it for now, but you three had all better be downstairs with a smile on your face when Sean, Amy and Cynthia arrive. If we have to have this conversation again, we'll do more than talk! You understand me?" He looked especially hard at the boys and they both nodded. Then finally my dad let my younger brother go, and headed down the stairs.
I started to breathe again, not realizing until then, that I had stopped, and I looked at my brothers. Matt turned to us and tears welled in his eyes as he rubbed his arm. "I'm sorry guys," he said looking particularly at Nate. "I guess I pushed it a little far that time."
It was the first civil sentence that had crossed his lips in days, and I felt my heart swell. "OH Matt," both my brothers looked at me and I knew as I saw tears begin to streak my younger brother's cheeks that I had sounded remarkably like Jessica just then. It was the half laughing, half exasperated tone she always used with Matt whenever he was in trouble or being totally goofy. I took my brother in my arms and he buried his face against my shoulder, finally letting go.
"It's ok, Matty. Everything's going to be ok," my older brother placed his hand on Matt's shoulder and I met his worried eyes with what I hoped was a reassuring smile. He wasn't used to seeing Matt cry. Nate had a tougher skin than my younger brother and Matt did his best to be like him. To break down this way, in front of our older brother, he had to be absolutely miserable. Matt continued to cry as I held him and Nate became really agitated. I could see how angry he was with our father, and I felt my stomach flip flop nervously. "Come on, man," my brother tried again "he's being a pric. Just don't let it get to you."
"I know," Matt continued to sob. "It's just so hard. Everything is shit!! I hate it here. I miss mom and I hate that stupid ass woman that dad just married! She's a total bitch! And her kids aren't any better. I just want to go home." Matt seemed to be getting more worked up instead of less, and I looked nervously around for my father.
"Let's go in here," I suggested softly, pulling my younger brother back into his bedroom. Nate followed us and closed the door.
When this had gone on for still another couple of minutes Nate spoke again. "Matt, I know it's hard, bud, but you're going to have to try and pull it together or you're just going to get in more trouble." I knew my older brother's frustration was with my father, but it was communicated in his tone to my little brother and didn't help matters at all.
"Well, I'm sorry I can't be tough like you, all the time!" Matt choked.
"Matt, that's not what I meant!" Just then we heard the sound of gravel crunching on the driveway as a car slowly approached. I felt Matt tense and I looked worridly at my older brother. "Look," he continued. "Dad just said we had to be on hand to greet them. He didn't say we had to stick around aftwards, right? So let's just get through this as best we can, and then we'll beat it to the pond for awhile, ok? I'll go down first to give you guys some time. Matty," he adressed our brother who was still crying against my shoulder, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you feel worse, ok? None of this is your fault." He waited for a moment, but Matt was crying too hard to answer and so finally, with a sigh, he opened the door and headed down the stairs.
"Oh, Matt, it's ok," I brushed his hair away from his hot, wet face and continued to hold him. "Try to calm down, sweetie . . ." Finally my brother started to grow calmer. "It's going to be ok," I said again.
Finally he stopped crying and a moment later my father was calling up, "Jessica, Matthew, Cynthia is here, Come on down and say hi!" There was a warning tone in the false cheerfulness and I knew we better hurry.
"That's wonderful, Dad! We'll be down in just a minute," I called. I turned back to my brother, "You ready?" I aked him. "Remember what Nate said. We'll just stay to greet them and then we'll slip out to the pond for awhile. Maybe we'll write Jessica a letter," I suggested hopefully. Matt nodded. Then my brother went to wash his face, I grabbed my paper and pen, and we headed downstairs to greet the new arrivals.
Nate placed himself between us and my father who scowled at us as we joined the group standing awkwardly around Cynthia's car. It was Cynthia who spoke first, "Jessica, Matthew, how lovely to see you again. You remember Amy and Sean." She indicated her children who stood on either side of her and Matt and I nodded at them. My dad's scowl deepened.
"It's very nice to see you too," I added quickly. Nate put his hand on Matt's shoulder as my dad turned his glare on my younger brother and Matt shuffled his feet. His red-rimmed eyes showed his unhappiness despite his best efforts to clean himself up and I could tell that my dad was furious.
"Yeah, good to see you," my brother finally managed, and finally my dad turned to Cynthia smiling as he did.
"Well, you all must be exhausted after your long trip, let's get you inside and I'll show you the plan we've made for accomodating everyone." Cynthia smiled back.
"That sounds lovely," she returned. "Perhaps the children could help us with some of our things."
"I'm sure they'd be delighted," my dad responded, glaring in our direction as Cynthia turned her back.
"Yeah, delighted," Nate muttered, and I smothered a giggle. We finished unloading all of the things Cynthia and her brood had brought with them. Sean was the only one who gave us any help at all. We dumped it all in the front hallway, and then, while my dad was showing Amy and Cynthia the bedrooms, I grabbed my paper and pen from the hall table where I had set them, and we ducked out, headed for the pond. We were close to the end of the driveway when we heard my dad call from the house.
"Hey, where do you three think you're going?"
"Don't turn around," my older brother cautioned us under his breath. "Just keep walking. Don't answer and don't turn around."
"Hey! I'm talking to you!"
It was then that I heard the only really sympathetic words I have ever heard Cynthia speak "Let them go, Robert," her voice was almost gentle. "This has to be difficult for them." I didn't see or hear what happened next. My brothers and I just kept walking and a short while later we reached the banks of South Pond, a mile into South Road. We all loved it there, particularly Matt, and he always went there to be alone.
Matt and I flopped down on the bank, while our brother looked for flat stones to practice skipping with, and I started to compose my letter to Jessica. At first I asked my younger brother for his input. " How about ‘Dear Jess, New England Sucks. Everything here is shit! Turns out, our dad's an asshole, his new wife's a prissy bitch and her daughter's even worse. Miss you and love you. Wish you were here, Us.'" After a couple more attempts and receiving equally sarcastic and bitter responses, I finally bit my lip and wrote my letter in silence. Matt lay next to me, chewing on a blade of grass and looking thoughtful, and Nate kept slinging rocks across the water. It was the last relatively peaceful moment the three of us were to know for what seemed like a very long time.
As the weeks went on, I felt myself slowly warming to Sean and felt, before I really knew her, that I could possibly tolerate Amy. I even made up my mind to try and accept my father's new wife. My brothers, however, had a harder time. Things didn't improve much between my father and Matt, and consequently relations between my father and Nathan steadily became worse. Both my brothers made just enough effort to stay clear of punishment.and matters were not helped any by the true dislike they both harbored for Amy. She was, as I soon came to see, just as spoiled and prissy as her mother, and more calculating and devious. She zoned in on all of Matt's sore buttons right away and spent as much time as she could pushing them.
We had all been living in the same house for about a month when the big problems started. Sean and Amy were inside with their mom, helping with dinner. My dad was outside finishing up some yard work. Matt, Nathan and I were in the barn. Nate and I were fooling around with Whiskers and Snoopy, our horses, and Matt was talking to us. Matt never had shared our love of horses, but he didn't like to be left out either, so he often came into the barn to talk to us while we were doing our chores.
We were in the midst of grooming them when our new stepmother entered the barn unnoticed by any of us. She waited for a lull in the conversation and then said sharply, "It's time for dinner." Only then did we look up to see her staring disdainfully at the horses.
All right, we'll be in in a minute," I replied.
"It's going to get cold," she said. "Hurry up and put those filthy beasts away and be sure to wash your hands before coming inside." She turned to go and then said over her shoulder, "There's no reason for you to be out here, Matthew. Come on inside now."
"That's all right," Matt replied sourly, "I'll wait for Sam and Nathan."
"I wasn't asking you. I was telling you. Now, come along." Nate and I glanced knowingly at one another as Matt's eyebrows crinkled in frustration. He didn't take kindly to being ordered around.
"I'll wait," he said again, with conviction.
"You do as you're told or you and I are going to have a big problem."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw my dad come quietly into the barn. I was about to sign a warning, but I was too late to keep my indignant brothers from speaking. Nate stepped to the other side of his horse to face our stepmother. His eyes flashed protectively. "Lay off! Who are you to come in here and order us around like you were our mother. He said he'd wait. Now leave us alone!"
"You stay out of this! And get that animal in its pen, so you can have dinner with the rest of civilization before it gets cold. Matthew, you get your butt inside right now!"
"YOU can't tell ME what to do!" Matt challenged. "You're not my mother! You're only Dad's whore!" Nathan and I recoiled along with Cynthia and I quickly looked at my dad.
"That will be quite enough, Matthew!" The anger drained from Matt's face, and he looked away as my dad glared at him. "Nathan, Samantha, put Snoopy and Whiskers away now." We did as we were told. We quickly made them comfortable and then bolted the doors to their stalls, standing resolutely outside and waiting. "Cynthia, I will take care of this. Just go back to the house. Everything will be ok. Samantha, you go with her." This order surprised me and made me uncomfortable, particularly as I looked into my father's eyes. I had seen that look only a few times when my mother was alive. I had never seen it since then, until now.
"I want to wait."
"I said go with Cindy."
"Dad, I don't want to."
"I don't care what you want, Sam. I want to discuss some things with Matthew and Nathan, privately. Don't make trouble." I looked at my brothers, resignedly. There would be no arguing with my dad. I quietly followed Cynthia out of the barn, but I was not ready to drop what she had started.
"My dad hasn't whipped my brothers in a very long time," I said accusingly.
"He's not going to whip them, dear, just talk to them."
"No," I said, "he never sends anyone away because of a lecture, and he never looks like that before he lectures. They are going to blame you, you know."
She stopped as we got to the house, "He's not going to whip them!" Then she looked at me, "Do you blame me?" I stared her straight in the eye and didn't answer. She turned on her heel, and I followed her into the house. Sean and Amy followed us into the kitchen. "Why can't you three cut me a break?"she demanded irritably.
"Give you a break!? We lost our mother a year ago! Then he moved us out of the only place we had ever felt at home, and we came to this God Forsaken arctic wasteland! We had to leave our cousins behind and our friends! And now, you come along and try to fill our mother's shoes," I sobbed. "But you want us to cut you a break?! Why don't you cut us one?!"
"Oh God! You are such a baby!" Amy interjected. "Just get over it! I don't know whose worse you or Matt."
"Shut Up!" Sean hissed at her. Cynthia and I both ignored them.
"I'm trying," she yelled, "but you are not making it very easy for me."
"You call that trying? That's bullshit!" I screamed. Sean and Amy continued standing awkwardly to the side, and Amy made no further attempts to butt in. This was largely due, I think, to her brother's influence. "Couldn't you try to be more accepting of my relationship with Nathan and Matt? Can't you understand that we're close? Do you have to challenge that? Can't you just leave us alone?"
"I'm sorry," she said icily, "but it's ridiculous for you to cling to . . ." At that moment the screen door slammed shut, putting an abrupt end to Cynthia's tirade, and Nathan entered the kitchen. He walked by all of us, seeming not to notice that we were there. I tried to see his face, but he seemed to be purposely hiding it from me. He walked to the refrigerator and opened it, taking out a soda.
"Nate," I asked tentatively, "did Dad lick you?"
Nathan paused for a moment, his hand on the door, which was still open. "No," he said, but he didn't turn around. Something in his voice told me not to relax. I eyed him as he softly closed the door.
"But he whipped Matt, didn't he?" I fairly choked. It was more a statement than a question. Nathan stood uncomfortably, not wanting to look at me. He fidgeted with the soda in his hand. "He did, didn't he, Nate?" I asked again. My fight with Cynthia was forgotten now. I forgot there was anyone else in the room as my brother turned to face me. The pain on his face confirmed my statement even before the slight nod of his head.
A flood of anger washed over me, and I shifted my eyes from Nathan to glare at Cynthia. Then without a word I turned and walked out. I was on my way out the door as my dad came in.
"Where are you going, Samantha?"
"For a walk."
"It's dinner time."
"I'm not hungry."
"Come and sit at the table then."
"I don't want to."
"Don't start with me, Sam. Get your butt inside!"
"Let her go." Cynthia's voice carried outside the house. "It's all right, I don't mind. It's probably cold, anyway. Let's not have another scene."
"I don't like the way you three are acting," he said. I didn't answer, just stared blankly ahead. "All right, go on." I walked down the porch steps and headed for the barn. I wanted to check on Whiskers and I needed a few minutes to myself. I knew where to find my brother, but it was too soon yet. I didn't want him to see me crying.
I spent some time making my horse more comfortable for the night and pulling myself together as best as I could, and then I left the barn and headed down the driveway and across the road.
I found my brother sprawled on his back in the grass, his hands under his head, his face tear-streaked, looking pensive. I sat down beside him. "You ok?"
"Yeah," he said softly.
"Still sting?"
He shrugged. "My butt don't hurt anymore, if that's what you mean."
I was quiet for a minute, then I said "Come on, sit up and I'll give you a back rub." I had said the magic words. There was nothing more comforting to either of my two goofy brothers than a back rub. It was a rare pleasure that they usually had to con out of me. Free offers were few and far between. Consequently, Matt raised himself without further invitation and let me go to work on his shoulders. He did not, however, perk up as I had hoped he would.
We sat in silence for a long time. As it got dark, we both looked at the sky, watching the stars as they slowly appeared. Once Matt turned his face toward me "I want Mom back," he said wistfully.
"We all do, Matt" I replied quietly. He looked away again. We sat there for another little while, and then I put my arms around him, kissed the top of his head and got up. Silently, I crept away, leaving him once more to his solitude. That night, I wrote another letter to Jessica, and made sure to put it in the mail the first thing the next morning.
It was a few days later that the next incident occurred. Things had been better for a couple of days, but I had not expected it to last. It didn't. It was Saturday, and the three of us were working outside. Nathan and I were stacking wood by the woodshed and Matt was chopping it a little ways away. We were half way through when we saw our father approaching.
I knew immediately that there was something wrong. Nathan and I stopped stacking and stood side by side watching him. He walked past us, headed toward Matt. Our eyes followed him, but we could not hear the conversation as Matt stopped chopping to talk to him. We only saw our brother shake his head and glance at us.
Our father then turned and walked back toward Nathan and me. He stood directly in front of us and eyed us sternly. "I have something to ask the two of you and I want to know the truth."
"Yes, Dad," we replied.
"Did either of you do anything to Cynthia's car last night?" I swallowed, not daring to look at my brother. I knew he had sworn revenge on my father's wife. I also knew he wouldn't lie if he had done it. My father had figured out long ago how to tell when we were lying, so we had just stopped doing it. My hand brushed Nate's and he caught it, clutching it tightly in his own.
"No,why?" I managed.
My father kept his angry eyes fixed on Nathan as he answered. "Somebody let the air out of her tires, and used egg yoke to paint 'Go Home Bitch' on the body of the car. Did you do it, Nathan?" I still didn't look at my brother, but I knew the answer as my father seized his upper arm and he released my hand. My body was wracked with sobs as my father escorted my brother around the side of the building and into the woodshed. I put my hands over my face, and felt my knees buckle. Matt's arms caught me as I sank to the ground, and he dropped beside me and gathered me into his lap. Holding me tightly in his arms and pressing his cheek against the top of my head, he tried to drown out the dreadful whistle and crack that came from the shed. At that moment, even with my brother's arms around me, I felt that my whole world was crashing down around me. Neither Matt or I realized that Amy and Sean had silently witnessed the whole scene.
The last incident was the most horrid of all, but we should have seen it coming, I suppose. Up till now, the conflict had remained between Cynthia and us. We had ignored Amy and Sean, for the most part, and they had also disregarded us. As a result, we had not noticed what affect the events had had on them. I suppose, in all fairness, it was as hard for them as for us, but at the time it didn't seem that way.
One day all five of us were out in the yard. Nate was mowing the grass and Matt and I were trying to talk to him above the roar of the motor. It was proving to be rather pointless, but we didn't stop trying anyway. After awhile Amy and Sean came over and sat silently watching us.
A few minutes later Nathan turned off the motor and came over to where Matt and I were sitting and where the water jug was. He picked up the jug and took a long drink. Then Sean caught us all off guard by speaking. "You don't like us very much, do you?" he asked like he knew the answer.
"Don't ask for trouble, Sean," I replied. "We're doing the best we can."
"Yeah, right. You're not even giving us a chance."
"Yeah," Amy chimed in, "You think this is our idea of fun? You're all so caught up with your own little problems, that you can't see what this whole thing has been like for us." Nathan and Matt screwed up their faces and clenched their fists in an effort to control themselves. They both really hated Amy, and she seemed intent on aggravating them whenever possible.
"I don't think we want to get into this, right now," said Nathan, heading for the mower and the blissful roar of its motor.
"Why not?" Sean challenged. "It's because of our mom, isn't it? You hate her."
"That's right," said Matt as a matter of factly. He had taken Sean off guard.
"Oh, yeah. I'll bet she's ten times better than your mom ever was." Boy was that the wrong button to push with Matt.
"Fuck you, Sean!" I yelled as my my brother lunged at him, and sent him staggering back with a well aimed fist.
"Don't you ever repeat anything of that nature, or I'll rearrange your face for you!" Matt threatened. Sean made a rush for him, but Nathan interceded. He collared him and held him up.
"If you ever touch my brother or my sister, you will have me to answer to! Is that clear?" Sean nodded, and Nate set him down and let go of him. There was already a bruise forming on Sean's face where Matt had decked him. Amy had disappeared, but none of us gave her absence much thought.
The air was filled by an awkward silence. My brothers decided to vacate the area, to cool down. I decided to stay and settle things with Sean. I didn't think he was such a bad guy. I knew it was hard for him too. Maybe he was right. Maybe we hadn't given them a chance.
I watched quietly as Nate retrieved his shirt from the edge of the lawn where he had thrown it, and quickened his steps to catch up with Matt, who was already halfway down the driveway. I figured they would head for the pond.
It was then that I saw Amy returning with my father and her mother. Sean saw them too, but my brothers had their backs to them. My eyes widened as I saw that my father was carrying "Stinger." "Stinger" was the nickname my brothers had long ago given my father's most severe belt. I had never gotten the belt from my dad, but my brothers both claimed there was a difference. "Stinger," was to be avoided at all costs.
"Hey! Hey, Matthew, Nathan, where do you think you're going?" My brothers turned around to face him, genuinely surprised.
"For a walk," said Matt, glancing at Nate. Nathan nodded.
"Get back here. There's something we've got to take care of first." I cringed. It was then that my brothers' eyes happened to light on "Stinger," and they came wearily and dejectedly up the walk to stand side by side facing my father.
"Yes, Dad?" inquired Nathan.
Did you boys bully Amy and Sean?"
"No!" they replied emphatically. I couldn't believe my dad would even think that.
My father grew angry then, "I thought I taught you never to lie to me!"
"We're not lying, Dad," protested Nathan.
"Oh yeah, then what's this?" My father pointed to the bruise on Sean's face.
"Matty hit him, but he deserved it!" Nathan defended our younger brother.
"Amy told me that Matt hit Sean and you threatened him and bullied her. Is that true?!"
"Not really. I mean . . ."
"We didn't . . ."
"Yes or no will do, "my father snapped. "Matt, did you hit Sean?"
"Yes, but . . ."
"Nathan, did you threaten him and tell him that if he ever went near Matt or Sam, he would have to answer to you?"
"Well, yeah, if he TOUCHED Sam or Matt, but . . .."
"No buts! That's all there is! I don't want to hear excuses. There is no excuse for that! I believe you owe Amy and Sean an apology."
"Dad! It wasn't . . ." I protested.
"Sam! Stay out of it!" My father looked back at the boys."Let's Go! I want you to tell them you're sorry!"
"Sean, Amy . . .I ugh. . . I apologize for bullying you. Sean, I'm sorry I hit you," Matt muttered through clenched teeth.
"Yeah,sorry," Nate mumbled less gracefully. Sean and Amy nodded. They seemed so smug I wanted to smack them, especially Amy. I was going to get even with that prissy little bitch if it killed me.
"All right. Now we've got some business to take care of," he indicated the direction of the woodshed, but the boys just stared disbelievingly at him. Oh God! I was so humiliated for them! "Go On!" ordered my dad. Nathan threw down his shirt angrily and they started for the shed followed by my father. They were going to have to pass me. My face was wet, and I forced myself to look up at them as they went by.
They were both crying. Even Nate was crying. My blood began to boil. My older brother almost never cried in front of me. I turned and walked to the edge of the lawn and picked up Nathan's shirt. I pressed my face into it. Then I turned to see Sean, Amy and Cynthia standing as a group a little ways from me, and something snapped inside me.
"This is all your fault!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. My father and brothers stopped and turned around, shocked. "I hate you all! Just go back where you came from and quit making trouble for us! I hate you all so much! This is all because of you!" With tears flowing freely down my face, I took off down the driveway.
"Sam!" Matt screamed in a choked up, terrified sob.
"Don't you go anywhere!" my father snapped at one of my brothers, probably Matt, but I couldn't be sure. I dashed across the road. I heard the squeal of brakes and I heard my brothers scream, and then I was safe on the bank of the pond, clutching Nathan's shirt, sobbing and shaking. I thought of my brothers and what they were enduring and I cried harder.
I don't know how long I was there. I must have fallen asleep for a little while after discussing my problems with Wishes, the neighbors' cat. It seemed like ages before I finally heard Matt's soothing voice. "You know, it sounds cheesy and very selfish, but I don't think I could have endured that without knowing you were out here, crying. It spares me a little of my dignity." He sat down and put his arm around me. I cuddled up against him. He stroked my cheek and said seriously, "You sure scared us today. We almost lost you. Neither me or Nate had our minds fully on what was going on after that. I don't think Dad was even concentrating completely on what he was doing. Maybe that, in itself, was good for us, but I would rather have gotten whipped twice as hard than seen you almost hit by a car."
"I'm sorry," I looked guiltily at him. "Sometimes, it hurts to love you guys so much." I looked away and my words caught in my throat. "When . . ..you were standing there this afternoon . . .facing Dad . . .apologizing . . .and then crying. . . I don't know . . .. something just snapped." He hugged me tightly as I cried on his shoulder.
"Sh . . .don't get so worked up . . .Come on, take a deep breath, " he gently played with my hair as he talked softly to me. I finally stopped crying and after a minute he looked down and asked tentatively, "Do you think I could get another back rub?" I smiled slightly and nodded. I could tell by looking at him, that he was stiff and sore. I took the opportunity to look at his face and his eyes. Of course, he'd cleaned up, but the edges of his eyes were still swollen and red. He'd been crying hard.
"How are you doing?" I asked.
"Aaa . . .all right," he replied. I moved around him and went to work on his shoulder muscles. He relaxed like putty in my arms. I wanted to keep him right there, where I could keep him safe. I'd been working on Matt's back for about five minutes when my other brother made an appearance.
"Aw, no fair, I was gonna ask for a backrub." I couldn't keep from smiling. Nathan looked down at his shirt laying beside me. He had put a clean one on, "Oh, that's where that went." He smiled, dropped to his knees beside us and pecked me on the cheek. I glanced at him. That same swolleness was around his eyes. Dad had really been hard on them. I didn't say anything. I knew they wanted to forget about it. I wish I could have. "I guess Matty probably already fed you the 'you scared us' line huh? Well, you did. This really was almost the worst day of my life. When I think of what could have happened, everything else seems mild by comparison."
"That's sweet, Nate," I grinned.
"I mean it," he said seriously.
"I know," I replied softly. I finished with Matt and went on to my older brother. Matt lay with his head in my lap. It didn't take long before he was asleep. I worked on Nathan for awhile. We talked a little, but for the most part, we were content with our own thoughts. Eventually we had all dozed off, draped over one another so you could hardly tell who was who. I felt very safe that way.
A rustling sound woke us all up and a light appeared. Then my father stepped into the clearing by the pond. We looked up at him. Nathan sat up. Matt and I were still cuddled up in a ball. "Are you going to whip us again?" Nathan asked resignedly, expecting the answer to be yes, and seeming not to care anymore.
"Is Sam in trouble, this time?" asked Matt. "How long before you start taking things out on her too?" He couldn't keep the resentful edge from his voice, and I grabbed his hand to stay any further comments.
"I was worried about you," my father said softly. "I was petrified when I saw that car this afternoon. Then when it got dark and none of you were back, I thought you might have run off. I guess I couldn't have blamed you. I know this last month has been hard. It has been a change for all of us." He looked at the boys. "I want to apologize to you two. Sean told me the whole story. He felt really bad about everything. I know that doesn't make up for what happened, but I want you to know I'm sorry anyway. I know you guys all miss mom a lot. I miss her too, and I want you to know that Cindy will never take her place, but I need someone to fill part of that void in my life. I don't expect you to think of Cynthia as your mother, or of Sean and Amy as your brother and sister. I do, however, demand that you respect them and that you obey Cindy the way you obey me because you've seen what happens when you don't. It's going to take time, but we're going to adjust and get through this." We were silent. "I love you all very much. I hope you know that." My brothers and I glanced at one another.
"I love you too, Dad," I said finally. My brothers were both quiet for another moment.
Then finally Matt spoke, "Of course I love you,dad, but I'm still hurting like hell." Tears welled in his eyes and as they spilled onto his cheeks, I gently wiped them away. "Frankly, I don't know if I can ever forgive you. You trusted another kid that you don't know that well over me and Nathan. That's what really hurts." Dad looked at Nate. He nodded his agreement.
"I think you better go now," my older brother whispered softly.
Our father turned and stole silently back into the night, knowing that he had widened an already large gap between himself and us, and knowing there was nothing he could do about it.