"Hello?" I called as I walked in the door. The house was dark and quiet and at first I felt nothing but irritated. Why couldn't somebody else get dinner started for once? Just because Mamma had died shouldn't mean I had to do everything! My cousin, Jessica, was the only one who seemed to understand, and today I was feeling particularly annoyed as I found myself once again having to turn on lights, heat the oven, and get the dinner going in what felt like a very empty house. I wanted to be where my brothers probably still were, at our cousins' house. I took the meat and sauce out of the refrigerator and slammed them on the counter, then started digging in the cupboards for the spaghetti pot. Matt and Nathen were probably still gallavanting around the country side with Dan on their skateboards, or swimming in the pond. I wanted to be stretched on the porch swing talking to Jess, but instead today I had had to babysit. My father had called the school around noon to tell me that the Schwartzes desperately wanted to go out and would I babysit for Tanya, Katie and Jimmy. He told me he didn't like to deny a favor tofriends who had shown such kindness towards my brother.
Mr. Schwartz was a retired mechanic and his hobby was an antique car collection. After my mom had died six months ago, he had taken my younger brother on as an apprentice, seeing how strong an interest Matt had in the old cars. He had even hinted that Matt might have one of them when he turned 16, if in the mean time he could figure out how to make it run again. These days it was all about my stupid brothers, I thought grumpily. I mean I loved them and all, but lately they were getting away with everything and I was stuck having to be Miss Responsibility. I continued to slam around the kitchen, taking the pot to the sink and filling it with water and turning to put it on the stove. I turned too fast and tripped, spilling some water on the floor. Frustrated, I jerked the pot up to the stove and as I did so the edge of my sleeve caught the jar of sauce sitting on the counter. I tried to catch it as I turned from the pot, but it slipped from my grasp, hit the floor and shattered. I looked down, stunned. It was the last of Mamma's homemade sauce. I fell to my knees and put my hands over my face and then realized as I heard my dad's heavy tread that I was not alone afterall. I started to sob.
My dad entered the kitchen quietly, went to the sink and took up the wash cloth. He came and squatted down beside me, placing the cloth over the sloppy mess. I grabbed his hand. "No! Daddy! No! It was Mamma's!" His expression was more gentle than I had seen it since Mamma's death, understanding but determined.
"We can't save it Sam," he said quietly.
"But she never taught me how to make it," I sobbed.
"Oh, honey, it's all right, come here," he put the cloth down and raised me to my feet folding his arms around me. He pressed me to him and I buried my face in his chest. "You are so strong, do you know that?" He murmered, kissing the top of my head. I just continued to cry. "We have all depended on you so much, maybe too much."
"But I like taking care of you and Matt and Nathan," I choked.
"I know you do honey," he stroked my hair, pushing it away from my face as I continued to sob, "you have your mother's sweet nature. And incidentally your Aunt Sara has her spaghetti sauce recipe. She will teach you to make it, if you want, but sweetheart you are still my little girl. You should not have to carry the full weight of this burden we have all been under."
"I really don't mind, Daddy." My thoughts of ten minutes ago were forgotten.
"I know darlin', but I do. Your brothers and I have been very selfish, allowing you to take so much on yourself. I had a long talk with your aunt today, and well . . .I want to talk to you now. Knowing your soft heart, this will be hard for you to hear, but I think you should know the situation before your brothers return. I'm glad you got here first."
"Daddy, what's wrong?" I felt my heart beating faster. He squeezed me tight and then let me go. He glanced at the door, a little nervously I thought, and then looked back at me.
"Let's go into the living room sweetie, where we will most likely be uninterrupted even if your brothers come home." The knot in my stomach grew bigger as I followed my dad into our small, but cozy den. By the dim light coming from the window, I could see the deep impression still present in my dad's favorite arm chair. A full glass of bourbon stood on the table beside it. I took this in with agitation. My dad was a social drinker, and even tonight his drink seemed untouched, but something was wrong. My dad stood at the side of the fireplace with his hand on the mantle piece, gazing into a nonexistant fire. I waited for what felt like an eternity, my heart drumming against my rib cage, my palms beginning to sweat.
"Daddy?" I prompted timidly. He still didn't look at me, but finally he spoke.
"You have been such a God Send, Baby. Do you have any idea what a life saver you have been to all of us?"
"Daddy . . ."
"No, let me finish, sweetheart."
"We have all been under such a cloud of grief this last six months or so, and I know I have not been much of a father. But you," he held out his hand to stop me from interrupting, "you have been so strong, such a help to me and such a little mother to the boys. God only knows where they would be without you . . ." he broke down, but continued before I could think of something to say. "You are very like your mother, honey. You have her sweetness and her strength. If anything, you have become more responsible over the last several months, still getting good grades, fulfilling your own duties and picking up where your mother left off. You never seem to think of yourself, always putting everybody else's needs first. God knows how much I love you for it and how much we've all needed you, but honey from now on I want you to take some time for yourself. Go to your cousins' sometimes after school. Be with Jess and Dan and Alex. You need them now, espescially Jess. You two have always been so close, and I know you need your cousins as much as your brothers do and you need your aunt too . . . "
"Daddy, is this why you wanted to talk to me because . . ."
"Honey, that is only part of it, and I know the rest of this you are not going to like to hear, but I have to get it out . . . .Your brothers have gone a different way than you. In fact they've gone the opposite way. I've seen it, you've seen it and everyone else has too. They've been neglecting all their responsibilities in school, sometimes failing to go at all, mouthing off, getting in fights . . .Nate has been drinking and smoking . . . ." My heart leapt to my throat. I had been aware of all this, but I did not know my dad knew.
"How did you find out?" I asked softly.
"Oh honey please, all the parents know all you kids in this town. We all keep one another informed. We find out about everything sooner or later . . ." I felt the blood drain from my face.
"Daddy, they just miss Mommy so much . . ." I tried to defend my brothers. I could finally see where this conversation was going, or so I thought.
"I know that darlin' and that's why I have not found the heart to check them, but in the end it is no excuse. They are making everybody miserable and I know you miss Mom too, but you are not acting that way."
"But Daddy . . ."
"No sweetie. In truth, I have not been any better a father to them, letting them go on this way, than I have to you by asking you to take on so much responsibility. And from now on some things are going to change around here." I was silent, not sure what to say. "I had a long talk with your aunt this afternoon and she helped me see all this. I called her after I got a call from the school about Nate. He's been seen again smoking and drinking in the parking lot with some of his buddies, and your younger brother apparently made a scene on the football field this afternoon. Got in some poor little kid's face and called him an idiot because he was running the wrong way with the football, and then swore at the teacher who tried to correct him." I still didn't know what to say, as my dad finally looked at me and I swallowed hard to keep back my tears. "They're out of control, sweetie and it's time something was done."
"What are you going to do, Daddy?" I barely managed. He looked into the empty fireplace once more.
"This time, nothing, except give them a talking to," he paused and something in his tone warned me not to relax. "Your aunt offered to handle it along with Steven this afternoon."
"What are they going to do?" I mustered, feeling sick.
"Nothing I shouldn't have done a long time ago," my dad replied gently, looking back at me.
"No! You can't mean it!"" I exclaimed, horrified by his implications. I knew our cousins were often spanked for misbehavior, but my mother had not condoned such methods and had only backed down in the most serious of cases, often when our cousins were involved too and there was the pressure of knowing what their punishment would be. He looked at the fire again, seeing that I had gotten his point. I was too stunned to speak right away.
"Your brothers may need you to be a little extra loving and attentive for awhile, Sweetheart. They have always turned to you whenever situations like this arose. Even when your mother was alive, I saw how much they leaned on you, and I am about to get a whole lot tougher on them. I can't have your uncle clean up all my messes, or theirs. This is the last time any similar incidents will go unhandled by me."
"But Daddy!They're so hurt right now, already and the humiliation! Were our cousins there?" He was silent for a moment.
"Were they?!"
"Yes, honey! I imagine so. I imagine at least some of them were. I wanted to make it as easy on the boys as possible and as easy as I could on you as well, so I asked the Schwartzes to find a reason to go out tonight, but I couldn't contrive a way to get everyone away without raising the suspiscions of you all. Then there would have been a bigger scene . . .I'm sure Jessica went balistic as it was . . ."
"Oh Daddy how could you???"
"This had to happen, Sam, and it's best for this time that it happened the way it did!"
"How could you??!!" I screamed again as I heard the kitchen door slam, "It's so unfair!!" I turned and ran from the room, tears flooding my eyes and spilling down my cheeks. I tore down the hallway, headed for the front door and the stairs, but I stopped short as I encountered my brothers. They still had their coats on and they both looked horrible. They were standing funny, and their eyes were as red and swollen as I had ever seen them. They shifted their weight uneasily and avoided my eyes. I could see that Matt was trying not to cry. "I'm sorry guys," I sobbed, "I didn't know! I would have said something, I really would!"
"Oh, Sam, we know that," Nate responded, "it's ok. We're ok!"
"Yeah," Matt interjected quietly "I guess we kind of had it coming."
"Well, I don't care!! I'll never forgive him for setting you up!! And I'll never forgive anybody else who knew either!!"
"I don't think anyone else knew," Matt returned gently as he started to unzip his jacket.
"Jess certainly didn't!" Nate's famous sarcastic tone forced it's way in as he too removed his coat. "She nearly brought down the house. I think it took every ounce of strength Dan had to keep her from interfering."
"Yeah," Matt teased as he hung both coats on the coat rack, "I guess, she felt like she had to do double duty for you both."
Before I could respond my dad called down the hallway from the living room, "Boys! Would you come in here for a minute, Please?" The look of terror that crossed both my brothers' faces pierced my heart.
"It's all right," I reassured gently as they looked at me, "he's just going to lecture." Nate sighed and Matt put his hand to his eyes. A couple of tears sneaked through my younger brother's fingers and I knew that they were both trying to act a lot braver than they felt.
"Come on, Bro. Let's get it over with . . ." Nate encouraged our younger brother. I touched Nate's arm, feeling helpless and he looked at me for a moment then folded me in his arms. "Oh Sam, what would we do without you?" His voice was choked and after a moment he let go and walked off down the hall. I was left now with my younger brother who was still trying to pull himself together before facing my father. I approached him slowly, and tentatively wrapped my arms around him. I pressed my face into his chest and finally I felt his arms come around me as he nestled into my shoulder, burying his face. I felt his tears dropping on my neck and I stroked his hair, holding him tight.
"Matthew! I'm waiting!" My dad called. He stood at the end of the hallway, now.
"I love you,"I whispered.
"I know," he whispered back, "I love you too." With that he pulled away, swiping quickly at his eyes and heading down the hall to face my father. I continued on up the stairs and into my room, shutting the door behind me. I couldn't bear the thought of hearing my brothers being yelled at, after all that they had already been through. I lay on my bed and grabbed my pillow, holding it close and pressing my face into it as hot teras stung my eyes. I was still lying there when the phone rang. I turned my head, looking dully at the caller ID on my nightstand, and picking it up, out of habit more than anything.
"Hello?" I croaked.
It was Dan, sounding very worried, "Sam? Jesus! You sound terrible! Are they ok?"
"Yeah,"I returned shortly.
"Man, I'm so sorry!!" He really sounded it. "We didn't know Sam! I swear!"
"They're ok . . . I mean it's ok . . .Dan, I have to go." I hung up the phone with a fresh burst of sobs that only strengthened as my father's voice carried through the house and followed my younger brother as he stormed up the stairs into his room and slammed the door.
"I will not have it, Matthew!!! Do you hear me? I WILL NOT HAVE IT!!" My brother's room was on the other side of the wall from mine, in fact mine was in the middle of my two brothers, and I could hear his sobs even over my own. A couple minutes later my older brother came up too and I could hear that he was crying as well, though his sobs were not as tempestuous, and no loud shouts followed him. We all remained in our rooms alone, listening to one another's sobs as they slowly quieted, for about an hour or so, and then finally things were completely still. I was still clutching my pillow and beginning to contemplate what to do, when my dilemma was solved by a soft knock on the door.
"Come in." The door opened and my younger brother entered the room. He looked so lost and unsure of himself. I sat up quickly and held out my arms to him. He sank to the floor and put his face in my lap. I placed my hands gently in his hair, brushing strands away from his face as he cried, not holding anything back now. "It was so humiliating Sam!!" he sobbed. "Just the way they did it. I mean I wouldn't have minded so much. Like I said, Nate and I kind of knew we had it coming, but . . .the whole fucking house knew what was going on! Not before it happened," he said quickly as he looked up and read my expression, "I'm still sure none of them knew beforehand, but they were all there, except Alex. Alex I gather was at a friend's house. Thank God! Why did there have to be such an uproar?" His sobs became stronger again, "In some ways it would have been better if they had known, I think. Then they wouldn't have been so horrified. There wouldn't have been such a scene!!"
"But you know, if Dan and Jess had known, they would have tipped us all off, anyway and then you just would have been in more trouble with Dad," I was finally reading the situation rationally. "It was here or there according to him."
"Well, why didn't he fucking handle it then?!" Matt sobbed. "It's his fucking job!!!"
"I know," my tears started to flow again as I saw how much pain my brother was in. "I guess he didn't feel up to it. Ever since mom died he's been looking the other way concerning you guys. I think he was breaking his heart over the thought of what he had to do, Matt. But it doesn't change how wrong he was, sweetie! And as I said I will never forgive him for acting as he has!" My brother just clung to me, sobbing, unable to respond. "Oh Matt, I wish I could do something!" He just continued to cry.
It was a few minutes later and my brother had calmed a little once more when the phone rang again. I ignored it and it rang three times before it stopped. A moment later my dad called up "Sam, it's Jess! Will you pick up the phone please and reassure her that your brothers are still among the living and that as far as we know the world has not yet come to an end." I sighed heavily. My cousin was Matt's age and just as passionate. They were very close and Dan and Nate were always razzing them about their relationship, making jokes about the law preventing cousins from marrying etc. I could just imagine what the scene today had done to Jess. She was my best friend in the world as well as my cousin, and with all I had had to do recently, I hadn't seen her much. I hated to be talking to her for the first time in two weeks under these kinds of circumstances.
"Hey, Jess," I picked up the phone resignedly. I couldn't even recognize the hoarse whisper that answered me.
"OH SAM! Are they ok!? Oh my god!! We didn't know! We didn't know!! Please believe me!! I didn't know, my brothers didn't know! Sam, we would never have let them walk into that kind of trap! My god!!" She was hysterical.
"Jess, it's ok! It's ok! I know that and they know that! Nobody even suspected you! Not for a minute!! And if they hadn't gotten it there, they would have here, please don't blame yourself! It's not your fault!"
"But Sam, the whole scene!! The humiliation they went through!! It was hateful!! I will never forgive my parents for putting them through that!!"
"I know, me either, or my dad, but don't blame yourselves, ok?" I choked as my cousin continued to sob out her apology. "I know I was a little short with Dan earlier, but it was only because my brothers had just gotten home and it was very hard to talk. I didn't want to break down completely with him, Jess. Please apologize to him for me. I didn't mean to hang up on him."
"Oh Sam, he doesn't care! He thought he deserved it! He feels as badly as I do that we didn't see it coming . . ." she was crying too hard to talk now.
"Don't blame yourselves!!Jess, hang on a moment for me, ok?" I covered the phone with my hand and looked at my brother who had calmed considerably and moved up to sit gingerly beside me on the bed as I was talking. "She's a wreck, Matt. She and Dan are totally thinking it's their fault. Do you want to talk to her?" Matt put his head in his hands for a moment, but then nodded. "Jess, there's somebody else here who wants to talk to you, ok? Hold on." I handed my brother the phone.
"Hey Baby Girl," his voice was weak, but soothing. "Now you listen to me! This is not your fault at all! So stop beating yourself up!! I guess Nate and I were both asking for it, more or less." Pause. "No. Now stop it. There's nothing you could have done. No. Don't feel badly for us. Sam is taking good care of us," his voice cracked and he reached for my hand, and squeezed it. "I know that! Now, listen to me! I know that and Nate knows that and Sam knows that. If they wanted to pull this off successfully my dad and your parents knew better than to let you and Dan in on it. Don't you think we know that? Well that fool of a brother of yours had better stop blaming himself too. The two of you made more noise than Nate and I did. I was just waiting for the house to come crashing down around us all. Yes, I know. Ok, Well . . ." just then there was another soft knock on the door and my older brother entered without waiting for a response. He stopped when he saw Matt on the phone and raised his eyebrows.
"Who is it?" he mouthed at me, pointing at the phone.
"Jess," I mouthed back. The confusion cleared and he held his hand out for the phone.
"Hang on Jess, Nate wants to say something," Matt handed the phone to our brother.
"Now I know what you're doing!! Matt and Sam don't even have to tell me!! You and Dan are sitting around over there blaming yourselves! Well Jess, to mirror my father's words, ‘I won't have it! Do you hear me?' So, stop it right now!! You can feel damn sorry for us if you want to. I'll take sympathy from any place I can get it right now, but I will not have you blaming yourselves. No! There's nothing you could have done! Oh, how were you going to see it coming? Face it, Baby Girl, we all got blind sided and to tell the truth Matt and I both deserved it to some extent. Well, we can argue the point all day, just stop blaming yourselves, ok?" His voice cracked for the first time. "Promise? Ok, here's Matty." He handed the phone back to Matt.
"You see, we're doing ok. I don't know what we'd do without Sam, but she's keeping us together," his voice was broken, "we all just want to be sure that you and Dan are at least as ok as Nate and I are. I mean it should be our perogative to be the ones feeling worst," he teased. "Ok, MMMHMMM . . . .all right . . . love you too," Nate rolled his eyes, "here's Sam."
"Hey Jess are you doing better?"
"Yeah," her voice was very weak, but she was no longer crying. "Take care of them, Sam. Ok? And kiss them both for me."
"I will. And they both send a big hug your way. Get some rest ok? And Dan too. I'm sure we'll all talk to you guys tomorrow."
"Ok. Love you Sam. Take care."
"Love you too, bye, bye."
"Bye." I hung up the phone and turned to face my two brothers. Nate's presence, as it so often did, had a calming affect on both me and Matt and suddenly exhausted, I lay back on my pillows, my eyes still on my brothers. Matt strectched out on his side, next to me and Nate turned from where he was pretending to look at my wall hangings, to glance at me.
"So is Jess, ok?"he asked.
"Yeah, she's better," I replied.
"So, are you guys going to tell me what actually happened?"
"There's not nuch to tell, really," Nate returned finally wandering over and sitting on the bed next to me. Matt and I scooted back to make room for him and he propped himself against the wall, sitting gingerly and leaning back carefully. Both my brothers were still mightily sore. That much was clear to me.
"Yeah," Matt interjected bitterly, "Aunt Sara pretty much paddled the living shit out of both of us this afternoon. That was for both of our attitudes in general she said, the swearing the fighting, the talking back, the miserable way we've been treating all the people in our lives who love us, most inparticularly you . . .," Matt squeezed my leg and looked at me. He attempted a weak smile, but tears were brimming in his eyes again.
"What?!" I exclaimed indignantly. "She shouldn't have said that! What does she know? She never got that from me."
"Of course she didn't! We know that!" My older brother spoke up, "But she's right, nevertheless." I looked incredulously at him as his voice broke and he closed his eyes, attempting to keep back tears.
"So," rejoined my younger brother, "that just about took care of our most basic, attitude related sins, and then Uncle Steve came home and took Nate out to the barn. Gave him a pretty fair dose of the strap, I guess!" I had been looking at my younger brother, but now I turned my eyes on Nate again, inquiringly.
He shrugged, still attempting to blink back tears and not necessarily winning the battle "Drinking, Smoking, Don't do it! More or less covers that."
"So what do you mean, ‘she was right?'" I demanded, returning to the topic that most concerned me. "She doesn't know what the hell she's talking about!!"
Both my brothers took a minute to try and master their emotions before answering me, but they both failed miserably. Nate's answer came out in a sob, "Well, I'm glad you feel that way, Sam, but I think she's right . . .," Matt put his hand over his eyes and began to cry again too. I was speechless as my older brother continued, "It's amazing what you can learn about yourself when you're 17 . . .or 14," he added softly, looking briefly at my now sobbing younger brother, " . . .and you think you're the shit and nothing can touch you . . . and then you find yourself ass bared for the world to see, over your aunt's knee, waiting to be spanked like a little three year old or something. And your cousins are crying and screaming and carrying on in the background and all you can think about, at first, is the humiliation, and then the spanking starts and the lecturing, and at first it doesn't seem so bad, but a slow fire is burning in your ass and it keeps building and building until the sting is nearly unbearable and by the time the paddle hits for the first time, all you can think about is the excruciating pain and how the hell you are going to make it through the rest of the punishment at all, let alone with any shred of dignity in tact, and you don't know that you're hearing anything your aunt is saying, but you are because she constantly repeats herself, using the paddle to reinforce every word, and later as you're wishing for a tub of ice to sit in those words come back and you realize she was right and that her being right about anything is the very worst part. It's one-hundred million times worse than the licking itself or the excruciating burn you still feel afterwards. That her being right about one thing, inparticular is unbearable, about how miserable you've been to the best sister anyone could ever have when all she's done is bend over backwards repeatedly for you . . .when she's spent all her time thinking about your needs and you have spent no time thinking about hers . . .Sam that realization, made me feel like the dirtiest dog on the planet, and there is no question in my mind that she was right, at least about that." Nate's tearful confession ended in a garbled sentence that I had no hope of understanding, and he put his face in his hands, trying to regain control. I felt stunned.
"Matt," I ventured gently, "surely you don't . . ."
"Yes, I do," he sobbed "I agree with every word. We've been so insensistive, Sam. You loved Mom too, but we've left you on your own to deal with everything. You've cooked and cleaned and done our laundry. You've done it so cheerfully that we never even thought about how you must be feeling on the inside. We never even thought about it at all. Not even to say thanks."
"Well that's how Mom would have wanted it!!" I sobbed, my brothers' extreme distress finally getting to me.
"NO IT'S NOT!"Nate returned. "Her good, sweet natured daughter, a slave to her two ungrateful, insensitive sons?! She would have worn our asses out long before this as Aunt Sara was all too happy to point out over and over again."
"Well, fuck her!" I screamed. "Fuck her for saying that! DID HER MOTHER DIE when she was our age? No! In fact she's still living! So, just fuck her!!" Matt and Nate looked at me shocked, their crying slowed by the vehemence of my assertion and the bitterness of my tone. I went on more quietly but in the same way. "She had no fucking right to say that!" I said again. "Maybe, I like things the way they are! Maybe trying to be like her is how I feel close to her! Obviously Aunt Sara didn't know mom as well as she thought she did. Mom wouldn't be mad at you guys, and she certainly would not have licked you! You both know how she felt about that . . . ."
"Yes, but she also was very adamant that we all do our part and respect one another . . ." Nate sobbed.
"Well, I don't feel disrespected, " I returned. "Mom would be heartbroken to see that any of us were having to go through this. We are all just dealing with it in our own ways, and she understood us all so well. If I thought either of you were treating me badly, or if I thought Mom would have thought that, I'd tell you! I know Aunt Sara is wrong!"
"Well, Matty and I both think she's right," Nate choked, "and we just came in to let you know how very much we love and appreciate you."
"And I want you to know, that I have always known that. You both show it in so many unspoken ways that our aunt may not recognize, but that Jess, for instance would be very quick to point out if she knew we were having this conversation. And I love that you both depend on me. It makes me feel good." Matt and Nate could think of nothing else to say, and I drew Matt's head down to my lap again as he continued to cry. Then I put my other arm around the shoulders of my older brother. He lay his head down on my shoulder, continuing to cry as well. I sighed and nestled closer to him, as my hand trailed lightly through Matt's hair. An hour later, my brothers had cried themselves to sleep and I began to feel drowsy as well. My last thoughts were of Aunt Sara and how unfair and unkind she had been to make my brothers feel so badly.